h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It seems that I was wrong. Well, not wrong, perhaps just not as right as I could have been. It would appear that my research was not quite as thorough and my list not as comprehensive as I had hoped. I am referring of course to the overwhelming amount of mail (e- and snail) I have received concerning an article I posted some months ago entitled ‘Fence-posts’. The aim for that article, as those of you who have read it (a hearty thank-you to all four of you) will know, was to produce a (near as dammit) definitive list of possible fence-post uses. It is a recycling age we are living in now, nothing is sacrosanct. In this respect it would appear that I have failed as I have received literally dozens of suggestions that somehow slipped through my net the first time. So, for all of you that have written to me, and especially for all those that meant to, but haven’t got round to it yet, I present part two of the definitive fence-post uses list. Read, learn, and enjoy.

No.7. A clock. Yes that’s right. With nothing more than a fence-post and some ground (available right outside your door, right now) you can create a primitive but still effective clock. Just insert the pointed end of your fence-post into the ground with the shaft aiming upwards and watch the time drift by. Not only does your fence-post clock keep a reasonably accurate tally of the hours in daytime (as long as your expectations weren’t high) but it will also tell you when it is night time as well (that’s when you can’t find your clock). Don’t get worried if you can’t hear it tick, remember your clock is only a stick.

A big thank you to Mr. G. Eves from Worcestershire for that suggestion. I especially liked the scented envelope. Sour cream and chives was it not?

No.8. A tiny maypole. Is it May already? Are you uncommonly small? Can’t get a pole for love nor money? Fear not my vertically challenged friend, just grab yourself a fence-post and scare up some coloured ribbon (an old kite or a multi-hued doorway-hung fly confounder is good for this) and within minutes, or hours if you need to get a ladder, you have a fully functional and adequately undersized maypole ready and raring for action. Get the lads round, get the beers in and let’s dance!

Eric Moore of Cambridge, and R. Nee of Essex both got wise to that one. Thanks for the heads up lads.

No.9. An arbitrary device for measurement of distances and heights. Should you ever be fortunate enough to delve deep into the lush jungles of Borneo or the Amazon there is always the chance of discovering some lost tribe of natives who (besides needing directions) will not be aware of our civilised weights and measures system (though hopefully will at least speak passable English). It is no use explaining to these people that London is 8000 miles away. For one thing you’d be wrong, but more importantly they wouldn’t have a clue what you were talking about. No, what you need is some more easily demonstrable way of showing distance. Enter the fence-post, stage left. “I am two fence-posts away from you, and Hopscachewuchewan is four fence-posts from that crocodile…two…one…toothpick?” Measurement and scale combined in one easy to carry multi-purpose tool, how far will your fence-post take you?

Thanks go out there to Messrs R. O’Neib and R. Kerr of Wiltshire for that, even if they did have the nerve to ask to be paid as researchers! And while we’re on the subject of money, Ronald E. Corr bet me five pounds I wouldn’t put his name down. That’s a fiver you owe me Ron!

No.10. A very bad joke. Not the kind of thing I normally indulge in but it gave me a surreptitious chuckle and it came with a very nice letter so I thought I really had to include it. It’s very specialised and really only attains any semblance of relevance if used when introducing relatives. You’re guiding your new boy/girlfriend around one of those tedious family gatherings to which we’re all subjected when you finally reach your mother’s least favourite sister, the one who drinks too much and smokes like a kipper, and who happens to be standing next to the drinks cabinet (there’s a surprise), which is fortuitously where you placed your fence-post earlier: “this is my cousin, this is my uncle, this is my auntie, and this is my…” No, I’m sorry, I couldn’t finish it, there are some puns that really shouldn’t see the cold harsh light of day. I’m sure we agree that this is one, yes?

Despite my wimping out I am extraordinarily grateful to Mrs. V. Crieves and Miss. B. Obmore, old timers from my part of the world who obviously know how to have fun. Thanks girls.

Well, that’s it for this time, though I really should apologise to all those whose suggestions I couldn’t put forward. Rest assured I do research all of your ideas and test them thoroughly for accuracy and possibility. At this point I must make mention of a certain M. P. Ithor. Not for monetary reasons this time though. I accept that your suggestion is possible Mr. Ithor, but for other reasons I can’t include it in this article, and anyway, what about splinters? Ouch!

Anyway, thank you for all your ideas, and should there be any other fence enthusiasts out there who spot something I have missed then please, keep me posted.

Hi, apologies. Pretend I'm not here. I don't have any suggestions - I'm posting to get a link reference for this thread for the UG version of your Fence-posts entry. Apparently there isn't one until the journals had a reply. Learn something new every day.

loved the fence post article Petey_Zee! i was just trying to think of another use for a fence post and i remembered how useful wooden implements are in the playing of sports like hockey, cricket, rowing and extreme ironing (i think. you may have to check that one.)

once again, a wonderful article!

Great article. I'm afraid I can think of no further uses for a fence post, but I shall bear yours in mind...

David

Hmm, yes... You make a good point.

Though without some additions the fence-post is not really suited to such sports as hockey or ironing the point is valid.

It is more than likely that there have been many times that you have been out and about with a friend or two (preferably your own, they may get uncomfortable otherwise) and you have suddenly felt the urge for a round or two of that second most popular of British pub games: darts. But wait, oh no, no-one's brought any darts (who does?), what are we to do?

I think you know what comes next. Though I warn you, it's not good for the board and your publican may not speak to you anymore.


Also baseball, rounders, softball and the like, though I question whether the contact would be so sweet with the squarer fence-post shape. Needs must though when the devil vomits into your kettle (misquote? Perhaps, but I'm sure Edmund wouldn't mind).

Thanks for the suggestion.