h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is it true you can tell a lot about a man's genital size by examining the type of car he drives?
I came across this list one day and I was wondering if anyone could confirm its contents:
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars
Acura NSX - I am impotent
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic - I have just graduated college and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 (968) - I have an extremely small penis
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping on LSD right now
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

I like the one about the Oldsmobile particularly - imagining a make of car that purely exists and circulates through theft. (After being built they're just parked outside the factory with the keys in the ignition)

A couple of questions for anyone, seeing as it's obviously an American list:
1) What would the British equivalents be?
First ones that come to mind:
Morris Minor: I'm very fond of my flat cap
BMW 3 Series: I'm a playa, honest
BMW 5 Series: Highway code? What highway code?
BMW 7 Series: I'd drive faster but my Rolex keeps blinding me
Rover 800: I'm attending a photocopier sales presentation
Vauxhall Cavalier: I'm giving a photocopier sales presentation

2) Where are the SUVs?
When I was last in America I started a personal vendetta against the things... see:
http://www.h2g2.com/A90343

-- Yoz

I refuse to acknowledge the existance of those death machines (SUVs)! I also don't believe in "minivans" and the tooth fairy, though I'm willing to bend on the tooth fairy issue...

Old Minis - Likes to spend their weekends throwing their car onto a mattress for vital repairs
Mini Cooper - Cool, sophisticated, doesn't care what people think. Goes like the clappers (ME!)

Of course we must also consider what it means to choose no car at all. There are places such as New York City where owning a car can be a drawback - there are no parking spaces, everyone drives as though they had never touched a car before, and so on. There are also environmental concerns. Lastly, there are people who would rather not own a car precisely because of what is says about them!

Some more Thoughts from Car Drivers:

Citroen BX: I like to keep the RAC busy
Citroen XM: Individuality is worth the running costs. Just.
Ford Escort (Early): I don't give a monkey's
Ford Escort (Late): Every time I drive past a Ford dealer it costs me a monkey!
Ford Scorpio (early): I am a minicab driver
Ford Scorpio (late): At least sitting inside I don't have to look at the thing.
Mercedes C180: I can just about afford a Mercedes, and I always park nose-out on the drive so the beighbours can't see the engine badge
Mercedes C Class: I want to drive an S class, but at least I am exempt from all parking legislation
Mercedes S Class: Get out of the way, I own this road
Saab 9000/CD: I want you to think I'm richer than I am
Vauxhall Vectra: I have backache and I drive like a nutter
Volvo V70: I wish I had the Turbo

And some more...

Vauxhall Nova (early) - owned my spotty youths with a difficulty understanding the concept of speed limits
Vauxhall Nova (late) - owned my young mothers with a difficulty understanding the concept of driving in general!
Jaguar XJ6 ( early ) - I want you to think Im rich!
Jaguar XJ6 (late) - Its not my car so I don't care what your list says!!
Toyota MR2 - I liked playing with toy cars when I was a child!
Mazda MX5 - Now, in my day... this was the only way to travel!!
Ford Escort XR3i - I couldn't afford one of these when they were cool, so Im making up for it now!

Ford Fiesta?

Utrecht in the Netherlands is another place where it's not worth owning a car (just to park outside my own house costs NLG30 = £10 a night). And also, renting them here is very cheap if you have to move a sofa or something. And moreover, I'd rather ride my motorbike. That probably says something about me, too!

Any brand of Minivan: I am married and have at least 3 kids, a dog, and am running errands. please move.
Any (normal) brand of SUV: same as above, but my SO is a Yuppie, so I can afford to be trendy.
Chevy Suburban: same also, but I'm arrogant, so move. NOW.

transit van?

I ride a byke to work instead of my old Metro. What does that say about me?

I have this niggling doubt in my mind about Ford. I mean, they keep telling us how they spend millions coming up with catch names for their cars, then they give us the Crappy, Fiasco, Scrote, Mundane, Pube and so on. Is Wayne Kerr really in charge of model names at Ford?

Anyway:

Fiesta (old): I wanted a car but couldn't afford one so I got this, which gets lower excise duty than a massively cleaner 1.3 Polo, hahahahahahah!

Fiesta (newer): I wanted cheap, reliable, stylish transport. One out of three ain't bad.

Fiesta (newest): I am the living proof that however ugly Ford make a car, peoiple will keep buying it. But will someone please introduce the man who designs front ends to the guys who do passenger compartments and tail ends some time, before the car looks any more ridiculous?

Transit Van (White, New): Speed limts are for wimps!

Transit Van (Rusty Doors): I'm on the way to a car boot sale - want to buy a video recorder, only 50 quid, got it from me old mother as passed away last week....

Transit Van (Rusty Everywhere): Well, luv, I've fixed the blocked gutter but you need some slipped tiles replaced and the pointing on the front wall is breaking down, and the soffits need replacing - I can do it all for you, it'll only cost you fifteen grand, but that's cash, mind...

Mini Cooper-Hunchback beggar

Why? Why would driving one of the five best cars ever designed make you a hunchback beggar? I'm 6'1" tall and drove a Mini no problem, yet I can't get in let alone drive many new cars which are significantly bigger (e.g. Vauxhall Astra, any Ford smaller than the Scorpio, which is so pig-ugly I woudldn't drive one anyway, absolutely any Japanese car except the biggest Lexus and so on).

Right on. The most fun car I've been in was a mini, and that was full of six of us, Three of us being over 6 ft tall, hacking down the A3 from Milford to Guildford.

Our record was 19 air cadets in one Mini - but it was a Mini van.

I drive a 4 year old Mini Cooper, and I love it to bits!!!!!