h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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How to drive in Oregon without being splattered into oblivion:
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Well, er...nevermind this section. Avoiding the inevitable splattering of your body parts into oblivion is quite frankly not possible when driving on Oregon streets. Go ahead and skip down to the next section. Sorry.


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All about SDILD (Sun Deprivation-Induced Lethargy Disorder):
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Most Oregonians suffer from a very serious disease, called (for short) SDILD. This disease brings about changes in the brain that have been shown to increase overall stupidity in Oregon drivers to phenomenal levels. Symptoms of SDILD include:

Lane-changing lethargy: When attempting to change lanes, Oregon drivers *never* signal. Furthermore, they move from lane to lane at a speed roughly equivalent to that of a snail with a hernia pulling a Volkswagen.

Merging idiocy: When faced with a yellow warning sign bearing the phrase "Right lane ends," Oregon drivers invariably zip into the right lane and stand on the accelerator. This results in large blurs of speeding metal zooming past the out-of-state drivers who have smartly gotten into the left lane and generally also causes large fits of yelling and obscene gesturing.

Yellow-light pedestrian splattering: Remember the little yellow light that pops up between the green and red lights to let you know that it's time to stop? Well, in Oregon, the yellow traffic light unleashes deep primal urges inside the minds of native drivers, causing them to stomp violently on their accelerators and immediately zoom through the intersection while attempting to send flying as many road-crossing pedestrians as possible.

Highway exit madness: All highways in Oregon were designed by mentally-inhibited apes making paint splatters on canvas. As a result, many highways twist and turn and have oddly-placed divisions in the middle that split one highway into two which then go totally opposite directions. There is never any warning of these divisions, and by law you must always be in the lane furthest from the one you need to be in. As a result, it is customary for drivers to speed toward the concrete barrier signifying the end of the exit while trying to force other drivers to let them in. The other drivers never do, so the exiting driver always ends up smashing violently into the concrete barrier or slamming on their brakes and leaning on their horn in a vain attempt to convince the barrier to move.

Highway entrance madness: Oregon drivers enter the highway at a maximum speed of 40 miles per hour, and expect the highway traffic to suddenly open up and let them in. They never speed up, and they just keep coming over no matter how big the oncoming truck is. 'Nuff said.


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In closing:
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Only a suicidal maniac would ever even consider trying to drive in Oregon in anything other than a heavily-armoured tank (or a Volvo).

There are a couple other points about driving in Oregon that I noted while I was living out there. One is that whoever puts up the traffic signs in Oregon uses them not to announce what is coming, but to describe the scenery. It's not uncommon to go over a bump or a dip in the road and then see a sign reading "Bump" or "Dip."

Secondly, unlike virtually every other modern city in the US, Portland, OR, does not believe in announcing the right-of-way at 4-way stops. As you approach an intersection in a residential neighborhood, lay heavily on your horn if you're not planning on slowing down. My own preference was to slow down, since Oregonians themselves seem neither to slow down nor to lay on their horns.

I must say that this message is right on target. I would like to add a few more points for those who would drive in Portland, Oregon.

First, this city in the western half of the state has more then its share of SDILD infected drivers. It rains from approximately July to June (no joke) in our fair City of Roses. With all this rain one would think that the drivers would be used to such slippery conditions. But alas no. Whenever the city remains rain free for more then three days 98% of Portland drivers forget that driving in rain is slightly different from driving when it is dry.

When the clouds do decide to drop their heavy load on the roads after such an extended period of dryness all hell breaks loose. People must relearn that when rain makes contact with pavement that it most likely will be slick. Traffic grinds to a halt as hapless drivers find themselves in multi car pile ups that clog our freeways for hours.

It is truly a sad sight, but one must get used to such conditions when one lives in a temperate rain forest.

Two notes.
In the unlikely event you, the reader, are actually consulting this article/forum for information vice entertainment purposes, you should know that:
1) Unlike most of the other (if not all?) 49 states in the Union, (yes folks that includes Dixie; the war is over; get over it: neither you or I were alive then anyhow)... where was I ... oh yes, there is NO self-service at gas (a.k.a. petrol) stations in Oregon. You may not pump your own gas. It's the law. Go figure.
2) The unfriendly driving habits described in this forum regarding Oregonians are indeed true for most of WESTERN Oregon, that is, the area west of the Cascade range, but not for Eastern Oregon. They're actually quite friendly out there. Of course, I'm not sure why you'd visit Eastern Oregon because there isn't much to see (that part of the beautiful Columbia Gorge being the only notable exception). My theory is that in Western Oregon -- being both scenic and economically prosperous -- the natural friendliness long associated with native Oregonians has been heavily diluted by the "me-first" attitudes held by many among the huge wake of newcomers the people of that part of the state have endured over the past ten to fifteen years.