h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In the UK at least, people are simply not taught to overtake. Combine that with the naturally anally self-righteous nature of the British driver and poor levels of vehicle control and observe some simple empirical rules for overtaking and being overtaken:

On being overtaken.

Stare fixedly ahead. Do not, under any circumstances to acknowledge the fact that someone wishes to get past you. Wait until they're alongside you. Clench teeth on pipe. Now accelerate. Hard.

Motorway variant: make sure you're in the outside lane. Slow down to 68mph. Adjust flat cap. Wait twenty minutes. Tut loudly when passed on the inside.

Overtaking.

Approach to within one (1) paint layer of the vehicle in front. Weave around the road a bit in futile attempt to see past. Wait. Weave. Wait a bit longer. Wait for the blind bend to come up. Now overtake. Indicate (optional).

Spanish variant: as above, but at moment of passing, take both hands off steering wheel and clasp over your head in triumph, preferably as apex of mountain hairpin approaches (personal observation).

Motorway variant: there's someone (usually in a Volvo) travelling at 68 mph in the outside lane, wearing a flat cap and smoking a pipe. The inner two or three lanes are, of course, empty of all traffic. Approach as above, but drop back and accelerate at them a few times, flashing lights. This is for form's sake only - there will be no response. Wait a short while. Check carefully for marked police cars and other cars with suspicious aerials/cameras. Swerve left (UK road rules, remember). Accelerate up inside, with nose pressed to side window, making ironic gestures to other driver.

Overtaking bicycles: Several options here, of which two are:

The Theoretical Physicist: Treat the bicyle as a widthless two-dimensional object of effectively zero velocity and zero mass. Therefore make no change to your trajectory when passing. If you wish to turn left immediately after passing this is not a problem, given the assigned parameters. Any subsequent swearing and crunching noises are an artefact of the cyclist's failure to understand your frame of reference.

The Helpful Swerve. See bicycle when it's 10m away. Wait. Swerve out at last minute, missing cyclist by millimetres (extra points for just clipping their pannier/elbow/mirror). Continue trajectory until you are 5metres out when 50 metres past the cyclist. Swerve back to avoid lorry you've just seen coming the other way.

Overtaking on a bicycle: Of course when the bastards (see above) get caught in traffic, it's your turn:

The Tension Builder: Cycle alongside. Pause, with hand resting gently on their mirror/aerial/toupé for balance. Smile sweetly. Casually swing 2kg shackle lock around a few times, whilst whistling a happy tune. Peer at driver. Frown. Think. Cycle off.

The Genghis Khan: Reach in through window. If window closed, consider the Arnie option. Remove ignition keys. Move away several metres, quickly. Inform driver that he/she/it can pick them up from Police station later, on full explanation of behaviour. Cycle past local police station (time of your choosing). Drop keys into lost property with expression of helpful innocence. If driver objects, post keys a) to police station lost property in Auchtermuchty (if in Auchtermuchty, post to Torquay) or b) down nearest drain.

Please note that both the above are for exception conditions only and not to be deployed on a daily basis (or if there's the slightest chance of their catching up).

Special rules: motorcycles may combine any of the above, at rider's discretion. If however you see a Volvo being driven by someone in flat cap and smoking a pipe, pull over immediately. Have a cup of coffee. Head off in opposite direction.

Richard

As far as motorcycles are concerned, the correct approach would be at around 100 mph making sure that the headlight is on full - make sure there is someone coming the other way - that way you get a chance to scare two people with one overtaking - once you are directly in line with your victim - rev the engine and drop a cog, now pull in and make sure you leave a good foot (30cm) of space for the following car. You should now be able to hear fair hooting noises over the sound of your engine as you accelerate away!

Seems entirely reasonable - thanks for the addition. You did forget to mention the extra impact of doing the whole thing on the back wheel only (which makes the headlight part slightly redundant, except for scaring pigeons). Termignoni exhausts on a Ducati help as well...

Excellent, excellent stuff. I did note on the way back from Cornwall that I was able to practice a couple of alternatives

1. This roads wide enough for three of us - In this terrifying (for passengers and all others concerned) you take the dorset lane view of main roads that you can indeed fit a bus throuhg the centre gap between two lines of traffic, so just get out there and get on with it. Laughing insanely while belting down the road between two lanes of traffic only supports the confidence your passengers have in you.

2. There is an extra lane between the ouside lane and the armco - very useful for getting past those people who insist on moving into the inside lane 1 mile from a lane closure.

3. Roundabout...What roundabout(Not I hasten to add done by myself) - get past at least four cars by going over rather than round roundabouts.

Thanks, Richard, that was lovely; first occasion I've found here that lists appropriate cyclist responses to being overtaken. I'm a driver/cyclist and trained motorcyclist.
I've found that the long "u-lock" as it's known here is extremely good for semi-idle threats (as well as locking the bike up). Another technique I've used is to pound my fist on the panels of the vehicle as it goes by, which usually results in righteous indignation from the driver (who cannot believe that motoring rules apply to cyclists and motorists are often ignorant of them, thus the cyclist is out of his mind for challenging a car....especially a Volvo).

Fruitbat

I like that.

Fun with overtaking - or any sort of driving - is best in a left had drive car. Get your dog/child/blow-up-friend in the other front seat and have one of those kiddy steering wheels in front of them.

Watch the faces of the drivers of the oncoming cars.

NB Wear incontinence trousers.

I have the ideal solution for lane hogging Volvo drivers, White vans and Nova Boys - A rotary assault cannon!

Available from all good black marketeers, and can be fitted behind most front grilles.

Heat seeking missiles are great, too.

Yes, only the amount of thermal-cladding needed to mount one or two to the side of a bicycle or motorcycle to aovid 3rd degree burns makes them a little too much for casual use. I'm sorely tempted, though: I've been observing motorists more frequently, lately. I feel that Vancouver's stop-signs should be moved into the first lane of traffic at an intersection as this is where most vehicles stop first - unless there's someone actually standing in front of them DEMANDING that they stop.

Many's time time I'd've cut loose with an air-to-air missile if I'd had one...

Fruitbat