h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

UK motorways, whilst being fairly true to the Highway Code at off peak times, change dramatically between the hours of 08:00 to 10:00 and 17:00 to 19:00.

Lane discipline:-

The left hand lane is reserved for the "Anti-Destination League" (ADL) who potter along at 55mph, and the "Great British Mobile Junction Blocking Brigade" (haulage trucks and "shed draggers"*). The middle lane should be kept clear for "Truckers" that have been slip-sreaming their "buddies" for the last 50 miles and have just built enough momentum to spend the next 75 miles in a death defying overtaking manoeuvre. This leaves the right hand lane for everyone else.

The middle lane can sometimes be used to "undertake" (a deliciously prescient word) yo-yoing drivers in the right hand lane, though you are taking some liberties with previous estimates of your life expectancy.

NB: "White Van Man" and "Volvo Man" are exempt from all rules of the road and can do whatever they like in whichever lane they choose.

* "shed dragger" = someone towing a caravan (probably to Skegness)

"National Speed Limit Applies" :-

Quite tricky, this. Most of the time, you will be required to drive in a long convoy in the right-most lane (off peak this is known as the "fast lane") at speeds that vary sinusoidally between 60mph and a stand still. If you should pass a major junction that siphons off much of the traffic, thereby clearing some space in the RH lane, your speed is limited only by the local distribution of GATSO cameras, the Police and your car's engine. You might occasionally encounter a Volvo driver who's drugs are wearing off and hasn't noticed the empty lanes to the left - feel free to blast them with horn and lights and scare the shit out of them. They deserve it.

I don't know what it is about Volvos and people's driving skills.

I have seen perfectly sane people (and good drivers) turn into total dickhead drivers as soon as they've got in a Volvo.

Maybe it's the feeling that since Volvos are supposed to be crashproof, it doesn't matter what they do, since they are guaranteed to survive...?


AndyF

Synchronicity - see my almost simultaneous post on Overtaking. As a cyclist, walker, driver and motorcyclist, I can absolutely confirm your observation on Volvos. It used to be the case that Volvo drivers were merely guilty of the sins of inattention, arising from the dynamics and mindset inherent to being at the rudder of something with the handling characteristics and visibility of a Mississippi barge. We now have an additional problem to cope with - the High Performance Volvo, namely any Volvo with a Tx in its title. What we have here are barge captains who think they're Michael Schumacher, with often similar results (ref. British GP on several occasions). Best thing is to encourage them to race out of a corner/roundabout, at which point they disappear sideways while their tyres go up in smoke as front wheel drive fails to cope with available torque...

I think the Volvo phenomenom is due to the 'feeling safe syndrome' - nothing can hurt me I'm in a safe car.

Nuns are also scary - I'm not sure if they feel indestructable because God is on their side or if they're just in a hurry to meet the boss face to face for the 1st time.


Of course, nuns in a Volvo should be an immediate indicator to clear the roads & call the ambulances.


;^)#

I've always thought it's a chicken-and-egg thing with Volvos. Do crap drivers buy them because they will be protected in the likely event of a crash, or are Volvo realise that their cars are bought by the sickeningly incompetent and therefore make the necessary safety adjustments? As someone who does actually have legal immunity from the Road Traffic Act under certain circumstances, I would like to share the wisdom of the advanced driver with you all:
Beware of men wearing caps and smoking pipes who drive green cars. Or put another way, "Beware of the t**t in the hat".

When the motorways are clear (early Sunday morning) why is it an inevitability that you will be doing 85 (ish) in the "slow" lane and you encounter the "middle lane moron" doing 60mph, probably an aged/old fart, illegal immigrant or solitary 17-35 year old woman.

They dont take the passing within a micron of their rear bumper hint as you drive across 3 lanes (so you don't break the law again); they sure as shit don't take the driving within a fag papers breadth of the front bumper and gesticulating wildly.

There is a solution!
buy a cheap flat bed truck, put the largest scaffold bull bars on the front armed with a few dozen well placed spotlights (at varying heights for a different vehicles) 1 naval search light, a generator and a big f.o. airhorn will complete the ensemble. when passing the git hang back and flash them with the normal driving lamps; should this have no effect try the spot lights, this should at least get their attention and tuts. they will resolutely stay exactly where they are, now it is time for the big guns.
Drive behind them, the closer the better simultaneously turning on the searchlight and blaring the horn. If you haven't started the generator you will slow down. Anyway, they will either have moved aside or alternatively melted, either way you win

WyrdUp

A Swedush friend of mine told me (& she may have been joking) that the reason that Volvo's are so safe (for the occupants at least) is that they used to drive right hand drive cars on the right hand side of the road (sensibly enough). However, this caused problems with the rest of Europe driving on the left so Sweden decided to change to driving on the left as well. However, they kept making right hand drive cars for sale in Sweden.

These right hand drive cars in a left hand drive country needed to be strong for when Sven & Bjorn, Bjenny & Bjelke decided to pull out just a little to see if anything was coming the other way.

This story sounds too good to be true - but then it is Volvos we're talking about.
;^)#

I confess...

A few years ago I travelled to Heathrow on business from my home in Canada. After a day of travelling, jet lag and in-flight entertainment, my next task after clearing customs was to rent a car.

My options were to rent a Volvo.. or a Volvo. M25 or no M25.

But I wear no hat!

Bruce's driving story makes as much sense as anything else. Volvo reality immunity is obviously something specific to London; I haven't noticed it in Vancouver, where outrageously expensive sports cars (usually driven my young men, or those wishing to be young men) act as though they're immune to courtesy or speed limits. For some reason, the possession of a cell/car phone reduces the amount of responsibility for action that a motorist possesses.

Fruitbat

Ah so that's the problem with Volvo drivers - their just foreigners who don't understand the way we drive in England!!
Explains it all really.

Had an American friend who couldn't believe that most people in the UK constantly drive 10mph+ over the speed limit - possibly to do with the fact that to an American, anything over 55mph is fast!!


AndyF

I don't understand the speed-limits in Canada or the States... take a look at a map of Alberta, for example; a 100km stretch of dead-straight road, few apparent junctions, and they want you to do <100 km/h. The highest speed-limit I saw was 110kmh which I think is about 66mp/h?
BORING.
OK... running into a big m.f. black / brown bear or moose does seem to be a slightly worse proposition than say, one of our native rabbits or hedgehogs but COME ON!

Incidentally... if hedge-hogs hog hedges, how comes there are so many on the roads?

Nij

Neither do I. Most/Many people here drive over the limit (a bit). Then there are those that choose to drive at 90Kmh in the fast lane. This creating a speed difference that makes it dangerous. If we are lucky the Ontario limit may be a more realistic 120 (like 70mph in the UK) soon - hopefully encouraging the Volvo-man to step on it a bit. We do have a highway minimum - but it is 60Kmh!

I'm sorry, but you are mistaken if you think that Volvo drivers will drive any faster if the speed limit is increased - it is a trait of these people that they will always drive as slowly as possible, in the most awkward place possible, and still act as though they own the road.

Still, 60kph? I could _walk_ faster than that!!


AndyF

Even worse, your bigger Volvo, like anything from 740 size through to the 950 with leather upholstery, cigar holder and waiter service is likely (legally or otherwise) to occupy an area of road which is neither one lane nor another. Whichever way you try to go round them, there won't be quite enough room, especially not when you take the wing mirrors into account. Of course, you'd be forgiven for thinking that these were for show on a Volvo, but if you look closely you will see that they are angled such that the coiffured individual inside the car can admire his Ronnie Corbett inspired bouffant which ever way he turns his gaze. Even more so if he has a caravan on the back with those extra-sticky-out mirrors which can only be sold to people on production of their pension book...

I'm game - let's park my old Volvo next to your car and see whose rusts first. Mine's 9 years old, so you have a head start. Only don't try racing me home to begin the contest - unless your car has more than 170bhp on tap.

Hmmm. You remember the slogan "the car in front is a Toyota?" Well, it usually is. Being driven at 35mph in a 60 limit, by an Old Fart In A Hat (OFIAH). There is no law stating that these types must buy Volvos, but they tend to be the most numerous simply by a process of attrition - the Allegros all rusted away years ago and left them buying a wide range of other cars one by one until they get a Volvo 740 or 940, which is pretty well impervious to rust until well into its dotage.

I have to say, though, that as I hack around the country at speed in one of my two (green, yes) Volvo estates, with the aforementioned leather, aircon, cruise, auto, waiter service etc., I keep forgetting that the dickheads holding me up are supposed to be seething behind due to the badge on my car. I just keep forgetting that I am supposed to do 65 in the middle lane - I find myself doing - ahem - motorway speeds, leaving other cars behind at lights and junctions and generally not behaving according to stereotype. It might be the large multivalve engines, the lovely song of the engine at 6,000 rpm, perhaps it's the way that putting decent shocks on means that even a 940 corners better than a Vectra (as indeed does a blancmange).

In any case, I reject your theory that it's the car which makes the difference.

Okay, go ahead, take the comic-steam out of this forum; I don't hold with cliche's either but I got a good laugh out of some of the entries.

The majority of my complains with motorists are those who appear genuinely impervious to any piece of reality than invades their ideas of what's on: the people of are more important than the busses, and demonstrate that by stopping in a bus-zone and taking their time about whatever they're up to even when a bus is right behind them honking at them.
Those that're greatly inconvenience by my actually stopping at a stop-sign when they expect me to rolling-stop as they do.
Etc.

Fruitbat

Ah, well, to inject a further unwonted note of seriousness I think that each and every parking offence on a public road should attract one license point. Some people can get away with claiming back parking tickets, but not many can get the company to pay for a driver when they are banned under 'totting-up.'

I have to say that I feel compelled to defend the honour of Volvos because my Volvos have been faithful friends and servants. One of them would still do 0-60 in a shade over 9 seconds even when 14 years old with 135,000 miles on the clock. I miss that one - it was a cracker!

I do think, though, that London's traffic congestion problems could probably be solved overnight by removing the bumpers of all Volvos, thus shortening them by an average of about a foot.

We came upon a similar solution when we attempted (successfully, as it turned out) to circumnavigate the British mainland in an aged bus with uncertain brakes. The solid metal bumpers projecting fore and aft proved extremely useful in many tight situations, but we enhanced the effect by painting "!WON CINAP" in exciting fluorescent letters on the bonnet.

I will concede this point: Volvos are very good cars and very nice to drive. Whether you fall into the stereotype or not, they do seem to attract a certain type of person...

I don't own one but have done plenty of mileage in an 850, just to uphold my credentials...oh, and when that youthful 9 year old specimen outlasts my 19 year old (dented but beloved) Vauxhall, I'll start believing you!