h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Excellent website. Great pictures.

For some cultural icons Scottish emmigrants have exported to NZ, check out http://bofh.ntk.net/Bloke.html

The Bloke's Page
Welcome to Bloke-Haven

It's not fashionable any more, and ain't politically correct, but who gives a six-pack of JK-Light, Welcome to the Kiwi-Blokes page, a page to celebrate the good things about owning a rusty ute, a slab of Lion Red, and your own set of clippers.

REAL Kiwi Blokes are being marginalised left right and centre these days, and it's time that this part of Kiwi culture was saved, or at least preserved, for future generations to look back on (and think how bloody good it used to be, before the greasy SNAGs came along.)

More at http://bofh.ntk.net/Bloke.html

Ernest Rutherford, Edmund Hillary, Kiri te Kanawa, John Walker and now Xena wobbles in their noble footsteps.

It's a good job Ivanhoe didn't have a fling with Rowenta, the Iron Maiden, she's a bit too hot to handle.

Yep, it certainly sounds like the sorta thing Channel 5 would show.

Aha, but do New Zealanders have a very sensitive attitude to animal-oriented gothic-type violence? I sense the answer must be yes, as Scottish immigrants are left to mutilate the beached sheep and seals, whilst that whingeing Aussie, the Crocodile Hunter, sheds his Crocodile tears as he tries to force yet another beached sheep back into the water, little realising that the poor creature has just swam 30 miles to safety from a sinking sheep transporter.

Germaine Greer (or you may know her as Grmn Grr) says there is an acute shortage of vowels in New Zealand, but you don't seem to have any problems with them. Have you cornered the market or something?

This is what happens when I go for a bath in the middle of writing a reply to you! Anarchy in the postings thread. SNAFU probably best describes it.

Will check out the site later as it's now time to go to work.

Go on, laugh, you know you want to.

As an, unfortunately now dead, NZ Prime Minister once said: "People leaving NZ and moving to Australia raise the IQ of both countries".

As for vowels, I believe they add colour and flavour to the language. If you are looking for vowel-killers you y'all need to check out everyones favorite, colorless, overweight, loudly-dressed (the tourists scare our sheep) whipping boys, the Septic Tanks.

NZ's fith largest city is Dunedin. Gaelic for Edinburgh. This is where my forementioned Scot great-grandfather jumped ship (sans luggage). At the time Dunedin was an important base for extracting blubber from seals amd whales. The Scots who lived there took to this trade with glee.

There was a rather interesting little spectacle in the NZ Parliament recently. A Government MP (Labour) accused the male members of the Opposition (Tories) of doing unmentionable things with sheep.

And the All Blacks will beat Australia in the rugby Test match tomorrow. Germaine can take that and stick it up her jumper. It is the only thing she will have up there. I bet nowadays she wishes she wore a bra in the 60s...

One 'fondly' remembers the fire-escape-shiter. He or she bombed the F.E. with impunity a few years back. Every time I went downstairs, there was always a 'fresh' turd lying there -crying for flies.

Infamous too was 'the lift corner pisher' -this was a he, who took great delight in urinating in the corner where the lift-doors retract into. This 'famous' Dalmarnock resident, was also present at the first ever 'pish-yer-breeks' contest -held sometime around the mid seventies -at the corner of riverside secondary and 'Poof's Lane'.
The winner -by common consensus, scooped a handful of the 'brown-stuff' and 'wrote' his initials D.A. on the school wall, which remained for many years. Another excellent piece of graffiti -common around dalmarnock- is the name ETTA. This unfortunate chap was so weak willed, he would do anything to be part of the crowd. Someone requested, and he etta spunk bag. -particularly common at the time around the road side of block 50 -facing the 'Ferrafelt'. Do the Kiwi's have pish-yir-breeks contests?

One of the most important sights in Dalmarnock is indeed the very hub of the place; The Corner, as it is affectionately known, describes the crossroads where Springfield Road meets Millerfield Road and Sunnybank Street. The junction of Millerfield and Sunnybank was once a wee corner shop called 'Mrs Wrights'. Mrs wright was a nice wee wumman -really- but the fly in the ointment was her wheelchair-bound son called Gordon. Gordon did not take too kindly to being a cripple. One only had to enter the shop looking for a packet of Salt 'n Shake, and cast a cheery "hello" to Gordon, to be met with;-
"Whit dae you waaaant!!!!" I never once saw him smile or have any kind of happy demeanour. Some people get stronger under adversity, but gordon had a grade one chip on his Shoulder, -in fact he had the whole mccain factory. speaking of chips brings us to Mario.
Anyone who has ever entered Mario's shop (fish restaurant) would be greeted by a VERY cheery -in marked contrast to Gordon-


"Howa you doin?"

"oh ah feel terrible Mario, My family has just been wiped out by a roving band of psycho-gyppos"

"Thatsa good!"

Mario's Fish Restaurant is in Sunnybank Street and adjoins what was Wright's Dairy

The Corner is the life and soul of Dalmarnock. Although -strictly speaking- there are four corners, There is only one Corner.
This, located at Sunnybank & Springfield, has to my knowledge, been guarded constantly since at least 1965 when my family moved in. There is always at least one sentry on duty -come rain, snow or shine. I can remember going to my work one morning at 05:30 -in a blizzard, and as The Corner came into view, I saw a shadow.
There, leaning against what was the old 'Galbraith-Cochranes' shop was Teddy-B. -Standing in a five foot snowdrift, his can of Kestrel frozen to his hand. He had obviously been there all night; -That's devotion to duty for you.

In honour of the big rugby match today, and seeing how the All Blacks are motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their Test matches, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.

The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.

Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las-In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.

Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will corral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".

Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.

The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.

The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).


The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.

Australia had a fluky, last-minute, dodgy, win in the Rugby. (NZ v Aus - 25-24). No doubt the Aussies are finding it hard to be humble.

Excellent pictures shown on NZ TV of the ref being showered with plastic bottles full of beer. Thrown, no doubt, by some of the more demented Scottish immigrants who are now firm Kiwi supporters.

Why waste beer?

Thanks to that well known American, the Dirty Digger, I saw the last three minutes of your humbling before I left to go on ye traditional pub-football-pub pilgrimage, so you can blame me for your defeat.

I doubt very much if you would find that a Scot would throw beer away unless it had first been thru the kidneys, unless it was XXXX which we have good reason for believing has already been thru them.

Right now I'm only slightly more wobblier than Xena,I'm off to see what you blokes get up to in NZ.

Isn't accusing opposition MPs of being lanolin lovers, a bit counter-productive, in that they're almost guaranteed the 'bloke' vote as they won't be after their Sheilas? Unless of course, their Sheila is a sheep . . .

Rugby Update from Germaine Greer. "I'm laughing my tits off"

Rugby update from half the Irish team, "Who locked that $%@*ing dressing room?"

Is it a criminal offence in NZ, not to have the slightest interest in cars or egg-chasers?

OK Syntexis, the turd on the stairs has gone, but we have two acceptable substitutes, needles on the stairs (there must be a lot of diabetics around here), and dog turds on the landings. The lift pisher is still alive and well tho, as are the shite bombers. I believe Pampers have only encouraged them, and have a theory that the Campbell boy may have made the unfortunate mistake of dressing up for Halloween as a used nappy.

Poofs lane is still there, but now seems to be the haven of drinkers on matchdays anyway, as they're officially not allowed to consume alcohol on the streets. Indeed I have been witness to a stray member of the constabulary, seizing a can of Tennent's Super from a mystified pissartist on 'The Corner'. However, this would appear to have been a once in a lifetime experience, as I have never seen a PC in Dalmarnock since.

There are now two corners, as the one at Mario's (who I recognised immediately from your description) is populated by trainee spotty pissartists before they gain promotion to THE Corner. During inclement weather, the trainees sometimes seek refuge in Mario's to continue their training, and also avail themselves of the facility to have their bevvy stored behind the counter when they feel the need to go and screw a shop.

Ye don't fancy gettin a foaty o' the 'Fish Restaurant' sign dae ye?

Damn! I went out at 6am on Sunday and took a few pics, one of The Corner (deserted! but I spotted the two sentries down at the next coner - Summerhill St.[?]), and two of Poof's Lane, but neither are great. I know the sign was still there a few weeks ago, but Mario's corner has since been painted red to cover up the graffiti. I can't see them painting over his sign, but you never know. Can you bear the tension?!

Anywhere else you want?

Not object oriented Fish-supper preperation.

Ta very much, where do I start.....

-A pic of the pointless glassfibre elephants behind Block 40 would be nice.
Did the planners really think that these elephants would somehow jazz the scheme up?

-The cobbled 'chute' into the clyde just behind Block 50.
-The chapel club.
-Giant Hogweed.
-McKenna's shop -between post-office and chippy#2 If mem serves.
-under Dalmarnock bridge +++ BUZZER ALERT +++
-Odd lift in Block 40.
-The roof.
-The Fire-escape.
-The 'Swing-park' next to Block 50

I'll recompense you for film.

Yir 'panorama' is excellent.


I think the Street you are referring to is Summerfield St.

This corner (Sunnybank and Summerfield) is or was, home to the wonderful M.Din Supermarket.

M. Din had a panache for selling beans. assisted in the shop by 'alec' -the ladies man, and 'Boaby'
-who invented the catchphrase:- "Bringa-mora-money, -getta mora sweet"

Object oriented Fish-supper preperation? Microsoft Visual Batter?

THANK YOU! That's a big thank you. I went out last Monday morning and got a couple of classic pics of urban decay. The swings were the best, between the rubbish dumped at them and the broken windows in the background. I'm never near that bit, so hadn't recognised the 'beauty' of it before. Got two suspiciously wet spots on the fire stairs, but will try again next week, this time with a wide angle lens, tho a pish eye would be better. No, I don't know what you did to deserve that either.

My photography is so bad, that a digital camera is a must. So I'll dump the lot onto a CD for you if you want, and don't worry about money, I think even my funds can stretch to 90p. I'll email you next week some time. I'm off on holiday now, so should be able to get out of bed by 5am and accomplish my mission. If you've thought of any others just say, as 'the mornins are fair drawin' oot' and this'll probably be my last week of being able to film before the locals awake and suspect me of working for the social.

OK, sit down, I've got some bad news. Mario's sign has been painted over and can only be faintly made out when the light is right. However, judging by the rate this paint is peeling from the corner, it should reappear in all its glory in a few months.

The cobbled chute is a puzzle to me. I remember it was there when I moved in, but I can't find it now. Shall don the explorer kit on my next expedition and borrow a machete from a local to investigate further, as I think it must be covered in vegetation.

McKennas is now part of the Post Office as it was threatened with closure unless they upgraded the premises from the traditional concrete floor, bare walls and one 40 watt bulb.

The roof is firmly out of bounds now as we have a lovely mobile phone transmitter to add yet another bit of character to the area.

There's gonna be a lot you don't recognise as the entrances have totally changed, tho I did rediscover the old caretakers office sign last week. You're not gonna believe what one of the shops is now, so I'm gonna have to get photographic evidence of the tanning centre. Yes, I did say 'tanning centre', and we're not talking tanning bottles of buckie here.

'Summerhill Street'? I don't even watch The Bill, so I don't know where I got that from.

Captured one of those 'once in a lifetime scenes' on camera yesterday - a drunk asleep in a wheelbarrow! I suppose it's a good job for him that it was in Garscadden and not here, or someone would have been off with his barrow.

As I recall, The route to the cobbled chute is:-

along Millerfield Road, Pass 40 & 50, heading straight for the Clyde.

pass lockups that (were?) arranged in an arc, directly behind 50.

Decend staircase in front.

At the bottom of the stairs, look to 2 o'clock.

This bit of railing will be beside the cobbles.

+++ COMING SOON:- How to get to The Corner from Dalmarnock Train Station +++



LOST DALMARNOCK #1

There wasn't just lockups behind Block 50, the ones behind Block 40 blew away one windy day. Three-quarters of the roof went first. It peeled back, lifted up and crashed down onto the old Calder-Millerfield site. There followed a lull, in which there was just enough time for a couple of looting dudes to get a 'bit of access' before the last bit whipped up and across -nearly decapitating one of them. The walls were demolished soon after, followed by 'landscaping' of 'The Cagy' which formed the 'savannah' for the fibreglass elephants.

Is this where the locals learn to 'tan shoaps' ?

At the back of Block 40, there was 'The Cagy'.
-an area of tarmac bounded on one side by the rear of the lockups, and by diamond mesh fencing on the other three. The destruction of the lockups by the 'Millerfield Vortex' forced the council into replacing an area perfect for playing football,
-with fibreglass elephants.

And there you have it. The local lads, deprived of their right to have a 'kick-aboot', fell into the pit of depression. With nothing to occupy their time, They became despondant, and hooked on drugs.

All because some ignorant git in the planning department decided that fibreglass elephants were a more important social amenity, than a bit of space to kick a ball in. sleep well Git, -you and your bretheren have destroyed the lives of thousands of people, -have contributed greatly to Glasgow's drug problem, and to it's collective misery.

Sorry about the delay, I knew btinternet didn't like Mac users, but I didn't think they prevented them uploading pages. There are some pics at http://glesga.freeyellow.com/dalmarnock2.htm

...and if you want a laugh go to http://www.eastend.org.uk

Will be in touch once I sober up from my all day session - honest