h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Now THIS is what I call a Guide Entry! Storming job, there, Mr Wumbeevil, sir! Informative, entertaining and sure to come in handy should I ever be fortunate enough to find myself in Dalmarnock! Scotland Forever, woohoo (or, wae hae)!

Thank you for saying nice things about my page, that's fair dandy of you Ms Pegleen. I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner, but I have to re-register evry time I want to reply or change anything, and it becomes a bit like parking your car around here.
If you're interested in Scotland, do a search for Jimmy McNulty's Bonnie Scotland site (it's on Geocities somewhere). This site is an outstanding example of Glaswegian eloquence and should be required reading for anyone wanting to learn the Queen's English. It was passed on to me by a deranged resident of Calabasas, who has probably trodden on the same stars as you, laughed at the same tourists, and shares the same worries about the Y2K preparedness of the Hyperion Sewage Plant.
Cheers

Hi Wumbeevil! Your little historical references have earned this Entry a link in the h2g2 Historical Society.

http://www.h2g2.com/A240058

Many strange things have happened in dalmarnock; not counting the
horrible end that Derek Campbell met at the hands of his mother,
-people have opened their doors in the Multi-storeys and found door to door 'Coffin salesmen'-their wares conveniently nicked from Taylor Bros. funeral parlour, Dalmarnock Road. The 'Sanmex' factory on the other side of the Dalmarnock Bridge is another great source for 'Merchandise'. The place itself sits south-west of a loop in the clyde, known officially as the cunningar loop, but everyone who lives, or has lived there, know it as 'the valleys'. It has a Primary School -Springfield Primary, but no longer has a Secondary School. This, Riverside Secondary, was closed around the mid-eighties as it was subsiding. not surprising really, as it was built right on the outside of the loop, where the water is deepest and fastest. The School is probably not the fondest memory of one 'Captain Clean' who, turned up one day near the end of the seventies. He arrived in a bin truck (called a midgy-motor by locals)-which was painted yellow and silver to match his 'Superhero' costume (silver cape & pants!) he was trying to do the 'green-cross-man' bit, but he didnt quite have Dave Prowse's look (or height, for that matter!) no-one listened to his 'wise-words' -all he got for his trouble was a fusilade of Irn-bru bottles & cans, glue bags, faeces and half-bricks. Poor Guy.

I have a theory about that Campbell boy. It happened at the end of October and I think his mother, not being able to afford a costume, sent him out from the 14th floor as a pizza.

However, there was also the Rollo boy, a 2YO c. 1990, who was put in a skip by someone. The skip was then set alight, thus saving the state a fortune in social services, trials and imprisonment costs. I believe this incident may have sparked(?) the Glaswegian craze for deep fried Mars Bars. Have you ever tasted melted Rollos?

Yes, the door to door coffin salesmen still do good business here, if you see a house with it's door open, it's just the local sign language for "Come on in Mr Coffin Salesman, I've just hung myself". Such community spirit. How often do you get people not wanting to cover up the traditional smell of dogshit in the corridors with the odour of their putrefying flesh?

Last week, to celebrate the Cup Final victory of Rangers, some of the locals held a party in the grounds of the chapel. The celebratory bonfire was intended to be the priest's house judging by the amount of combustible material placed against its walls, but unfortunately for the priest, he must still live here as his house failed to ignite.

Yes, I'm sure Captain Clean would still get a (literal) warm welcome in Dalmarnock and he'd still recognise the place, but he'll have to be quick. The council are proposing to knock down two of the multis, including the Wumbeevil residence, because of social problems and the fact that car owners don't want to move to the area (yes really!!).

This is the same council who spent a fortune upgrading the flats and then proceeded to fill them with every junkie, piss artist, ex-inmate and care in the community punter they could find. You know an area's in trouble when they can't even get students to live here!

Still at least they're offering over £2000 for Wumbeevil to move out of the area . . .hold on, I must have got that the wrong way round. Damn!

Yeah; my da' told me the flats were doomed -didn't know it was just two of them tho... lived in the shithole known as 'block 40' for TWENTY YEARS....we were some of the first ones in. Don't forget the wee guy that got mashed in the winding machinery of the 'even lift' -also 'block 40'- this was around late eighties if mem serves....
syntexis news article on aforementioned due soon. -Cheers weevil.

er...sorry, meant wumbeevil.

Which two?

Must've just missed the lift mashinery as we got incarcerated here in early '88.

The two that are having their residents inflicted on other parts of Glasgow are 40 & 50 Millerfield Road plus a lot of the tenements across from them. Still that'll mean a bigger car park for the Parkhead punters who insist on not drinking on match days (and less of a walk for the remaining carscrewers).

Get this for a well organized council - two weeks ago an entire team spent the whole of Sunday resurfacing Millerfield Road, I kid you not!

Being new to this Guide, I was wandering through looking for things to look at, and was somewhat surprised to see that Dalmarnock got a mention. Well, I suppose, for a laugh, I will try to send the page to my brother, who used to live in a multi-storey in (I think) 40 Millerfield Road. Now I'm off to find out whether other entries are equally accuracte.

Being new to this Guide, I was wandering through looking for things to look at, and was somewhat surprised to see that Dalmarnock got a mention. Well, I suppose, for a laugh, I will try to send the page to my brother, who used to live in a multi-storey in (I think) 40 Millerfield Road. Now I'm off to find out whether other entries are equally accurate.

Well hopefully I'm about to join the ranks of ex-inmates of Stalag Lift 40, unless the council are taking the pish again (offering people houses with four locks on the front door doesn't inspire confidence).

It's been quite quiet here recently, only one stolen car screeching round last weekend, but there are only about half a dozen occupied houses on the front side of the building and only five in the whole block of tenements across the road, so I guess the opportunities are slightly more limited than they used to be. I suppose I'd better put another lock on the bike in the spare room just in case it's approaching the top of someone's nickable vehicles list.

I think the powers that be at H2G2 have stopped accepting entries like the Dalmarnock one, declaring them to be non-factual.

You'll find some pics at http://www.crosswinds.net/~slarty/dalmarnock.htm if you're interested. I still can't understand why the Scottish Tourist Board knocked me back as their webmaster.