h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cairnpapple Hill lies close to Bathgate, West lothian, Scotland. It is a Henge-cairn surrounded by an ovoid 'vee' ditch. closest center of habitation is the village of Torphichen. Legend tells of an ancient giant who is thought to have made his home there. More information is availiable at [Broken link removed by Moderator]

This is a definite spoof, what is this 'sun' thingy that thousands gather to welcome? I've heard tales of it's existence, but only in far-flung corners of the globe, never in Scotland where the summer solstice is traditionally welcomed by millions of people standing in the rain/sleet/snow.

It is NOT a spoof -it's true -all true-maybe. Ended up with hypothermia on one solstice trip -cycled uphill -rain -no waterproofs-steam-loss of heat -BAD. guess i'll be extremely stupid & do it all again tho.....

Well, I can see you're a genuine son of Robert the Bruce, if at first you don't succeed (in impersonating Scott of the Cairnpapple), try, try, try again.

Hmmm, hypothermia, now that definitely sounds like Scotland.

Personally, when I'm on the bike, I try and avoid hills and will make a detour to avoid cycling inside giant's fridges. Didn't you realise where you were when you crashed into that 100Kg block of mouldy cheddar?

I was driving around the Virtual h2g2 President's sites the other day when I misplaced my car. I was told to check out this delightful hovel.

Posts reward notice to drooping ant-invested thistle plant.

This hovel is my home Sir/madam, and that burnt out wreck is your car.

*points to charred remains down at the Clyde*

Are you interested in buying some insurance by any chance?

You must be joking. My family has been trying to claim for my great-grandfathers luggage which was lost overboard in 1857. This happened when he sailed from Bogside, Glasgow, for sunny New Zealand.

Scottish Mercantile was the insurance company. Do you own shares in this firm sir/madam?

The car was insured with NZ Insurance, recently taken over by a Scottish bank. Sob.

I don't own shares in Scottish Mercantile, but I work for the as a freelance claims denier. In fact I was closely involved with your great-grandfather's case (no pun intended as I am a very serious and dull old git). Yes, I remember it well, the Sheep Clipper Cutty Wool was not only overloaded, the captain was a drunken armadillo called Roger and the boat alarm hadn't been serviced in weeks. I remember being particularly proud of the last reason for denying the the claim. Ahead of my time I was with that one.

Fear not about the car, we have here a particularly fine selection of burnt out vehicles for you to pick a replacement from.

I would ask which Scottish bank, but as you haven't a hope in hell with any of them, there seems little point.

The Royal Bank of Scotland. Even the name sounds dodgy.

I would ask sir to consider very carefully, my offer of a dead seal.
'wee sammy' as he was known, was booted to death by one of our local lads.
His body can be viewed -at any time- by visiting our fantastic new showroom
at the Cunningar loop, Dalmarnock.
(little sandy patch, facing 'rivy' and just across the water from the famous "poof's lane".)

*** Disclaimer ***

Syntexis wishes it to be known, that they are in no way affiliated to the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Oh I hope this isn't Whaley, my pet Mink, that no one believes exists. He was in the habit of dressing up in other creatures clothing, but I didn't realise he had stooped so low as to try and mate with a local's boots.

I'm afraid Whaley ( for surely it is he) can't be viewed at any time, as I've just stuck my head out of the kitchen window (memo:open it next time) and all I got was a nice view of black. However, during the day I can see the sandy patch so I shall look in the morning after a sleepless night (nothing new in that tho, what with the guy below's 100DB sound system, his femme's fascination for Lionel Richie, and of course the screeching of tyres[by far the nicest sound I hear]).

I can't keep this to myself any longer My bro in law... my bro in law works for ... RBS. Kill me now, without Whaley life isn't worth living anyway.

Is the bank owned by the Scottish Royal family? And do the Poms know?

For sale. Cheap! NZ fur seals.

Scottish Royal Family? I thought we were a non-workers cooperative (I can't spell narco-syndicist collective).

Err, are the seals clubbed, shot or booted to death?

... and if they're baby seals are they bootteed to death?

Usually they are a side-catch from fishing trawlers. As are the dolphins, whales, penguins and albatrosses.

And then you have the ones resting on beaches which are mutilated by the Scottish immigrants.

I think you will find that the 'official' term is YBF Cull

LOL! Nice one.

The Young Baltic Fleet have reached the shores of New Zealand? Hmmm, maybe it wasn't the French who sank the Rainbow Warrior after all. I wonder if the investigators spotted the telltale 'YBF' spraypainted on the boat about 100 times.

Tell me more about this mutiliation by Scottish immigrants. Are baby seals burnt in skips, mashed in lift machinery or thrown from the 14th floor? If so I think we're onto a secretly renewed deportation campaign to Australasia by Her Majesty's Government.

Hey Syntexis, did I mention we had a bit of culture in Dalmarnock last year, graffiti in Latin. Haven't a clue what it meant, but it was probably by the YBF Veterans Asssociation. Needless to say, the authorities got worried that someone had been educating the locals, and painted over it.

Excellent!You know,you're well placed to cover the great 'knock-down'when it happens -oops I guess you'll have moved by then. do you have any photos from your verandah? if not, do you fancy taking some? The view you have will never be seen again (hopefully!) will set up a site to cover the 'event'. Follow the 'papple man' to the 'gallery' and if you look out for wasps -the yellow & black kind,- you will find me...hopefully. You know, being a Dalmarnock correspondant does not pay well -zero actually- but think of the prestige!!!!!!
I did a beautiful example of 'fire-escape' graffiti early one morning -about '78-79 -took my water colours with me -spray is so much more permanent!

NZ culture? Remember, NZ is Xena's homeland.

Dark Knight, a $20 million, 13-episode medieval series, based on Walter Scott's classic novel, Ivanhoe has been given the go ahead here in New Zealand.

A glimpse of what to expect: some bloke in chainmail lies on a studio floor, and pleads, "Ivan! I beg you! Spare me!" And there are mischievous elves, and terrible demons, and about 100 people employed fulltime an the joint NZ-UK series, filmed at Wellington's Avalon Studios - and in Dry Creek, the next hill over from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings. There is a nice castle, anchored by 24 hidden ship's containers, in the grounds of Avalon. "And this is a medieval English hut," claims producer Phil Wallbank, as he continues his guided tour. Inside, the hut floor is made homely by two New Zealand sheepskin rugs.

Few mortals can pitch a TV series like an Australian. Wallbank: "It's about Ivanhoe and Rebecca, who have this Scully-Mulder thing, this 'I love you and I want to rip the pants off you, but the job's more important.'And Ivanhoe's had the crap belted out of him after the Crusades, and comes back and meets her, and all he wants is to raise the money to free King Richard, and Rebeeca stands by his side." So he doesn't want a root? (sex) "I'm sure that's in the back of his mind," considers the 50-year-old Wallbank. "I mean, he's had some flings in the past, like with Rowena, his father's ward, and she's a smart-looking blonde.

Production began in September last year, filming ended on May 6, and post-production continued until the end of June; the 13 episodes, including the pilot, have a confirmed 6.00pm slot on Channel 5 in England, probably starting in October. TVNZ expects to hear back this week whether the censor's office here will give it a desirable G rating, or a difficult PGR. "New Zealand differs from the rest of the world," notes head of content Andrew Shaw, "in that we have a very sensitive attitude towards gothic-type violence."

Yeah Dalmarnockus, or as Emperor Charles Biggus Earus wouldn't describe it, "A festering carbuncle on the face of a dear err . . bigger festering carbuncle".

Photos from my verandah? Loads of 'em. It's not safe to take a camera anywhere else around here, lest you be mistaken for a spy from the social or a tourist from Burnside. Walking about Dalmarnock with a camera is also a bit like wearing sandwich boards proclaiming, "Come screw my house, you'll get more than the water tank". Sunday morning, 8am, is about the only time I risk taking pics at ground zero.

I can sense (no I can't, but just for the sake of opening a new paragraph we'll ignore this) that you're fighting off that foul creature, Deathwishium nostalgicus, which is trying to draw (no pun) you back to your roots, with false memories of an idyllic area. In a bid to help you resist this suicidal tendency, I can only offer you a page I put up to impress upon an American couple the importance of sticking to the tourist track and going to Edinburgh: http://glesga.freeyellow.com/dalmarnock.htm
Give it time as it's heavy on pics (the email's dead as Excite decided to change everyone's addy).

Thanks to Wummenbeevil forcing me to watch Sherlock Holmes, Poirot and Agatha Christie, I found the loop of death and despair. Can't say I've spotted any remnants of your distinctive graffiti tho, and as the council haven't spent the entire Dalmarnock social improvement budget (£2.64) building a gallery, they obviously haven't either. Thanks, you've solved a puzzle for me. I always wondered about those signs around here saying "Sanctuary" (underneath 15 layers of "YBF") and pointing east. Now I know where they lead, and I shall follow...

*walks into the Clyde*