h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I shall begin by sharing this one with you. I had just started going out with my current girlfriend who moved in a completely different circle of intimidating friends. The first night I spent with them, they were all being nice and friendly and I was warming to the evening when one guy, Shaun, said to me "ask Dave about his Grandad's piano lessons. He's got a really good story - he loves to tell it - go on, ask him". Eager for conversation with my new friends, I asked Dave this question when he came back in the room only to be greeted by a fuming look before he swore, turned around and legged it out the again. Shaun looked both horrified and amused as he explained that he didn't think I'd ask, and that Dave's Grandad had lost a hand in an industrial accident a couple of days before. They revealed later that it wasn't true but they had all enjoyed the look on my face.

Beat that one for nastiness.

I once called my wife at work and told her that, in answering a knock at the door (we had just moved into a new apartment) I had found an ice chest on the porch, and no one nearby. She, of course, asked "Well, what was in it?" I told her not to get upset, but in the ice at the bottom I found a human toe. A big toe, to be exact. She became quite frightened as I went into detail, calmly answering every question she put to me about the ice chest, the toe, the knock at the door, who could have done such a thing, and everything else she could think of.

Finally, she asked if I had called the police. I said "No, this isn't their field." FBI? No. CIA? Nope. "Well, then who did you call?"

"The toe truck".

"WHAT??"

"Toe truck".

Silence. More silence. (I was dying from internal laughter).

"YOU &@$#*&()@*!!!!" (And finally, laughter).

She still hates April Fool's Day, and is so suspicious that I rarely have to actually go through the trouble of playing a joke. But I know quite a few more...

Tell! Tell! That was funny.

There was one that might be a bit offensive to those of an offendable nature... but, in thinking about it, those types are offended by the wind changing direction...

I once had a large group at the bar I frequented convinced that there was a serious health risk locally. I explained that a area fisherman had caught a catfish that was covered with seeping sores and lesions, and that he had become so concerned that he had taken the fish to the wildlife department. There, several tests were run, and the horrible conclusion came to light:

The catfish had AIDS.

My audience's skeptisicm slowly dissolved as I explained the seriousness of the situation, with plenty of technical details regarding the ability of viruses to mutate, transmission factors, and the incredible danger that can arise when a disease jumps species. I carefully avoided one question until the end, when their doubt had faded. One person finally asked me "So how did the catfish get it?"

(Choke back smile, poker face now, grit teeth)

Well, he got hit by a ferry boat upstream....

You must be a real hit with your mates for that one. Talking of outbreaks, we had one of Legionnaires disease at a local hotel recently. Pretty odd that.

I bet you know a few chuckles stemming along the lines of work experience students being sent off for "long weights", "stripy paint" and such like.

I've heard a few, here and there. But I also enjoy the good old fashioned "jump up and boo" tricks, especially around late October. (My birthday happens to be on Halloween, and my daughter's is 3 days before). I work on something new each year, haven't got a plan for this go-round yet.

Do you have any other practical jokes?

Yeah, this one was quite amusing. It was instigated over a month ago and is still confusing the victim.
We sent him a photo in the post of a girl from a magazine with some writing made from newspaper print. I can't quite remember what it said but it went something along the lines of "phone me - you've seen my tatoo". He was pretty freaked out, and still is.
Another good one I heard from a friends dad was when he persuaded his wife when going on holiday that the movement of the plane through the air at high speed caused a large build up of static and there was a risk that you would receive a shock when stepping from the steps onto the ground at the end of the journey unless you jumped from the bottom step. She did. Ha Ha.

Anyhoo, it looks like its just you and me Neverbob - why not persuade some more to join us?

I'm pretty new here myself, just getting the swing of the place. But if you build it, they will come...

Hello everyone! My father and I have a continuous battle to outdo each other in the practical joke stakes, though most of them have been of the 'jumping out saying boo' type... I did score well recently though with an imaginative one... Using a chair, a small footstool, a pillow, an inflatable globe of the world, and a large hat, I managed to construct something that in the dark would look vaguely the size and height of SOMEONE just standing looking at you. I placed the construction just inside my father's bedroom, just outside the arc made by swinging the bedroom door open. As it happened, when he arrived home at ~11pm, he didn't bother to turn on the light in the passage or the bedroom light before encountering his silent visitor. The frenzied, strangled shouts could be heard from the other end of the house and were of great satisfaction... We had a large hairy plastic tarantula for a while as well, but there's only so many times that finding it in your bed or corn flakes is a shock...
Am always working on new ideas, good to see some on show here! Keep them coming.

Reg.

Welcome! And what a smashing contribution, Reg, to the hilarious and fun world of practical joking! I'm definately going to recreate the silent visitor one, although already have done in a way with the stand up John-Smiths man in the pub I work in. I got someone with a plastic Cockroach once- it were corkin'.
Have you ever tried persuading someone that they need a radio licence? Send them down the post-office to get a form, just for the giggles.

Ahh, the plastic bug tricks. I enjoyed putting them above the sun visor in the car, as they drop quite threateningly when the visor is turned down. Just have to hope that a somewhat calm person is behind the wheel...

One of my quick "large group" favorites is the hot coffee spill. When one of the guests desires a good hot java, you make a big show of walking into the room with a cup so scalding you can barely touch it ("Hey, careful, hot stuff coming through!" adds a few smiles to the occasion.) Just when you reach the victim, you trip and "spill" the cup toward them. Of course, the cup is either empty or full of confetti. Their vertical leap should be measured, as the group taunts them for the rest of the evening.

As they should, of course... who drinks coffee at a party?

That's a top joke in itself! All you do at a party is say "Anyone for a coffee?", and if anyone says yes, you all laugh at them until they cry.

Ah, but they could always respond to the laughter with "Oh, I thought you meant an IRISH coffee..."

OK then, same line of questioning but replace "coffee" with "Sunny D". Then if anyone responds you can justifiably kick them out the house AND laugh at them until they cry AND throw sharp objects as they run away down the street.

UNLESS, of course, they say "Oh, I thought you meant Sunni Delite, that buxom blonde porn star..."

....The kids will love it...AND its good for them!

Beats that unknown "purple stuff" that they are always mentioning.

Its taken me three weeks to reply to this one, and at the end of it all, I still don't know what you mean by "purple stuff". Put me out of my misery.

Hehehe.

The "Purple Stuff" is always mentioned in the Sunny Delite commercials. The kids go to the fridge, say, "Well there's soda, purple stuff, Sunny-D!"

The announcer also finds it important (as does the mother) to mention that Sunny D is MUCH better then the mysterious purple stuff. At to its exact composition, no one really knows....

I obviously haven't been paying enough attention between programs, as every good boy should.
I wonder if they're referring to "Zero Gravity". Have you tried that particularly ill-conceived excuse for a soft drink?