h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...and Rod Stewart, Steps, Piper, Spears, Sash!, Vengaboys, ATB, Faithless and a host of others too numerous to mention. The principle is all the same - some winsome sappy lyrics and a big tune that somehow lacks melody with lots of suspended chords and drawn-out M6ths to create a sense of import in the empty words for the "proper" singers and a simple lack of anything for the dancey crap. I plan to build a 200ft mechanical Eddie Vedder to wreak havoc upon the island of ibiza before it shuts for the autumn, leaving a few weeks to get back to London in time to crush the people who shortlisted the mercury nominations this year. A simple poisoned pie will see off James Dean Bradfield whilst a bottle of black hair dye will forever maim Rod Stewart.

Thou shalt not mock Faithless, nor place him in the company of the infernal one, Celine Dion.

What do you mean, him? It's Them. "Stone the crows, we were E'd to the gunwhales at the last gig we played guv strike a light" and so forth. Most modern synths and keyboards come with more than one sound installed, some of which aren't annoying.

This must be a different Faithless. The one I'm thinking of hasn't used the word "guv" in any of his songs as far as I know.

In the interviews, or don't you read them? I was merely attempting to illustrate the combined effect of jibbering about drugs and speaking in a London accent when combined with bad music on the impression a person or group of persons creates.

I avoid interviews. They destroy my fragile delusions. Anyway, Faithless is not bad music per se, it simply has pauses in unusual places, a la William Shatner, but without the silly toupee and with more style.

Some faithless tracks are bloody brilliant - such as "This is my church"

Unfortunatley theres quite a lot of shite on their albums too. Oh well. There are no perfect albums though. Apart from Morcheba that is...

I am forced to agree with your assessment. However, it works that way with most bands, now doesn't it?

If you're going to try and describe Faithless as "bloody brilliant" with any success you ought to pick a track that won't have been shoved down our ears on the radio or as the background music to a programme taster trailer. If you'd said "there's actually some decent stuff on their album you know" I would be unable to comment as the chances of me listening to their albums are small now that I don't share a flat with the Amazing Dichotomous Boy who seriously attempted to convince us that with the same ears and brain he enjoyed listening to both The Police and Goldie. Even by ignoring the person, the 'music' of the latter is unpalatable. Anyway, "God is a DJ" is not brilliant. It's just as irritating as "Insomnia" and even has the same irritating voice muttering shit between the same irritating noises at the same irritating tempo. Grrr.

You are entitled to your opinion. I simply don't share it.

Okay. I got someone to admit the other day that yes, they could find no reason at all for explaining their possession of an Ocean Colour Scene album. It'll do for now. I have learnt of someone that apparently loves the Lightning Seeds shamelessly. For now, that will suffice.


It is, however, an incontrovertible fact that the noises are alike.

I assume we all still agree though that Celine Dion music is utter shite, and that she should be removed from this planet as soon as possible.

Ms Dion - what a voice. Words cannot describe... that sound, those lyrics... visionary!


However, I am assured that the insanity will stop when I finish taking the tablets!

'sus

That's a side effect? Remind me not to take whatever it is you're taking.

Had you going for a moment tho'!

'sus

I wondered what someone who likes Celine Dion was doing here.

So why are you here? (Go on, confess. I promise I won't tell...

more than 20000 people!)

'sus

What a deeply philosophical question. Why are any of us here? Is it some grand ineffable plan, or merely random chance? But I expect you want a less deep answer. To put it briefly, Celine Dion scares me. Or did you mean here on h2g2?

The thing that scares me about Celine Dion is the fact that she doesn't write all those songs of filthy shite, and yet somehow people -like- listening to her voice and allow her to sing the nonsense she likes! And it sells! Why?!

Because they weren't exposed to proper music at an early age and are thus unable to recognise it. Maybe I should go into neuroscience to try and investigate the parts of the brain responsible for discerning melody, pitch, rhythm and so forth in the auditory cortex. It would be interesting but would mean that I have to re-learn all the different shapes of the various neurone types in the different layers of the neocortex. Maybe the behavioral aspect would be easier. Seeing as people with tone-deafness don't even know themselves that they're way off the mark there must be a part of the brain that hasn't had its wiring reinforced during a formative critical period by exposure to a decent tune. The same as the eyes need to be calibrated to focus on things stereoscopically the ears must have to work in tune with the accessory muscles and the auditory cortex to align perceived pitch with what the larynx is doing. Hmmm.