h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A lil comedy relief I recieved in an e-mail this morning... I wanted to share.

President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China."
-- Jay Leno




"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot."
--Jay Leno



"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters: "Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?"
-- Jay Leno



"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different, his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."
-- Jay Leno



"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush."
--David Letterman



"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."
-- Jay Leno



"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
-- Jay Leno



"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there."
-- Craig Kilborn



"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a President, then he prefers judges."


--Jay Leno



"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
--Jay Leno



"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots."
-- David Letterman



"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'"
-- Jay Leno




"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."
-- Conan O'Brien




"Bush admitted that his prewar intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!"
--Jay Leno



"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was."
--Craig Kilborn



"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words."
-- Jay Leno




"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again."
-- David Letterman




The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close down the border between Spain and the U.S.
-- Jay Leno



"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative firefighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said... "Yes.'"
-- Conan O'Brien




"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said: He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up."
-- JayLeno



"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies."
-- Jay Leno



"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
-- Craig Kilborn



Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true!"
--James Carville

Oh! MV!!

Please put a link to this in the George Bush - Moron or Hero thread!!!

It would lighten it up immensely!

Ok, shall have a look for it..glad you liked it

*alternates laughter and tears*

Too funny! The late night boys are at their best during elections.

Perfect, Just perfect, thanks MV!

I just read all these to Moonglum and we fell about, its a sobering though to remember that these are real people and they governing a country that a lot of you guys live in. That kinda ruined the fun for me.

Could someone point me to the Bush thread mentioned above?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/brunel/F7182?thread=424475&post=5773408#p5773408 There ya go Kaz!

I love it MV!

they are brilliant

These are brilliant, MV! I'm glad not all the American media are Bush sycophants!

I needed that! Although there is the problem that it just seems to show that Bush really is a moron. I loved the one about closing borders with Spain. Made me think of Reagan calling Hawaii our best ally in the Pacific. At least he had the excuse of being old.

Your welcome..

<>

If it wasn't in the orrigional post, theres also a Bush line where he says he'll talk to President Fox about increasing Mexican oil imports to the US so that we won't be dependent on foreign oil. But then I think Bush would like to annex Mexico. So much cheap labor. So many Christian voters.

(Off topic again - as usual)

Of course, the US is reliant on cheap Mexican labour. But it's definitely an economic advantage to keep them illegal. This delivers greater 'mobility' in the market (translation: you don't have to pay 'em minimum wage) and takes them out of the social security system. Of course, neither do you get tax revenue, but they're below the tax threshold anyway. Also...I read a great article by Gary Younge in the Grauniad recently saying that ID cards were a waste of time. The US econonomy is also, by extension, reliant on the trade in forged IDs, and hence they are easy to get.

(This is not anti-americanism: the same applies in the UK also. The slight differerence is that some of our low wage labour has recently been 'legalised' following EU succession.)

Thats lil old me, have bookmarked it and will read it later.

Living in El Mexicano ghetto, I know this to be true.

Most of the Mexicans and Peurto Ricans I know, have at least one part time legally paid job and about 3 others on the side. Very hard working people!

Forged Id's yeh, buy one get one free

Thanks for posting that MV. I used to watch late night shows for all my news. Where did you get those, anyway?

Hubbie e-mailed them from work, prolly got them off someone else

I've quite taken to watching Jon Steward late at night