h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yeouchhhhh!

CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -- the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

1.Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalise on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.

2.Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeved flack jacket. Sometimes ear plugs will be required.

3.Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flack jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

4.Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him over to his supper dish. Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. As a rule, they have little or no interest in fashion. But if he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for Target

5.Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Be aware that, on occasion, you will need another person to assist you. This is only necessary when the subject cat is exceedingly strong. The second person need only hold the shower doors shut. If the cat is a jumper, even this will not work. Usually this person does not need protective gear unless the subject cat is particularly hostile.

6.Cats have no handles.

7.Add the fact that your cat now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. The national record is (for cats) three latherings, so don't expect too much.

8.Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg. After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine, or he will sit on the top of high furniture and take a slash at your head every time you pass by. Always wear a pith helmet or hard hat until this phase passes

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case except in the case mentioned above. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

/

"Cats have no handles."


Not quite true. If you're lucky, your cat has exactly one handle, right above the shoulder blades. If you're really lucky the suspended mode button is still functional.

*wipes tears from eyes* - you could have warned us before that cat in the shower story. Especially as I am at work!

I meant B4 in Post 19! Sorry Santra - yours was good, too, though.

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.120390524638280.20103.100000019990716&l=59f985310c

its easy when you know how...

In the days when I used to wash my cat (a smug little bitch of a Birman we called "madam" because she was such a cow) I found the way to do it was to hold the shower head right against her body as it gently pumped out warm water. It was never actually fun for anyone, but she didn't think we were trying to drown her and she didn't actually realise the warm thing held against her was also wet until it was Too Late.

Pretty cool. Liked the 'madam' one!

Our Marvin (yes, named after that Marvin could actually be brushed with a standard hair brush. Whereas Diva, our female never was pickupable. She could lie in her lap if it was on her own initiative but grabbing hold of her involved smarts, protective clothing or both.

Trillian, with any of my writings there ~will~ be humour. You are now Officially Cautioned for any subsequent reading...

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