h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My friend sent me this:


Idiot Olympic questions
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site. Answers supplied where appropriate

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question. Suit yourself really, but the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: Yes but you may get dizzy and feel sick.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: No, we don’t like South Africans

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you sned me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: No, watering-can off.

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
A: In the water probably.

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
A: None.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas. How about you?

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, although most people normally go by boat.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Yes except in January during national Kraut shooting week.

Q: Please sned a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia, so you'll have to bring your own.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Usually north but we will check up and get back to you.

Q: Can you sned me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: Paddington?

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Well, there are a lot of people in Sydney.

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes. What was her name? I'll go and have a look straight away.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


Cheers,
Cat

some of those are very good

thanks cat! that was great!!!

and quite a wonderful distraction from the essay i'm writing

Traveller in Time standing on his head
"I love the translation bit: can you sned me a translation? "

Grr! I got that t'other day from my English Language class, I was just about to send it to you and Dani

Yeah, actually, I did get it from an English guy...

Ooh. Maybe it was my English Language teacher

I'll ask him...

That's comical, I thought the world only makes fun of the Americans.

Nope! You obviously have not heard the latest Pommie jokes( English types), still you are correct Americans are not the only cultural(stereotypes?)types who have fun poked at them The next time I hear a joke about convicts or Kangaroos, or even Koalas, won't be the first time I have heard them, but there is always the expectation of a new slant on tired jokes....scuse me.. calls!...Actually one comes to mind..but when I thought about it, I realised that Cat would be the only one who would understand it!...cheers

Oh go on, tell us

OK then...Two old cow cockies from the back of Bourke are sitting at the Bar at their local pub on a friday evening. One says to the other.."Thought I might go down to Sydney for a few days." the first cockie says.

"which route you taking?" Says the other cockie.

"Aww, I thought I might take the Missus!" He says.

The Pommie behind the Bar said.."By Route I presume that you mean which road you will travel by?

At which the whole Bar dissolved into laughter.Geddit it?

*laughs* Coolies.

*stares*

*stares*

*still doesn't get it*

*rereads Cat's list*

Actually, mine were slightly different, I'll dig them out later and post them. Stuff like, the answer to the hippo racing one was something along the lines of "HIPPOS live in AFRICA, which is that big triangular continent just SOUTH of... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in King's Cross. Come naked."

And the Vienna Boys' Choir one: "AUSTRIA is that small country in... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir sing every Tuesday night in King's Cross, right after the hippo racing. Come naked."

For people to understand the joke, I think they need to know that in Australia "root" means "f***".

...which makes sense of the joke, and also makes sense of some song title I vaguely remember hearing some time ago, perhaps from Danielle Which would also make sense.

Yes, I got it. And Dani (manson_rocks) is Australian too.

It's even more funny watching Joe completely fail to get it...



Cat

Try and watch an australian keep a straight face ,if an american says..." Hey i,m Rooting for yuh ok?" I actually saw a news report on some kid who was having this operation in New York, he had been flown in from France (from memory)and things were touch and go for awhile. On the report the spokesperson for the Hospital in question(A rather scrumptious looking lady) said ..."We are all rooting for him(the lad),me in particular as i have a baby the same age!" We of course kept looking in the background for the lucky bloke in question

*dies of laughter*


Yeah, Joe, I'm assuming that you're talking about the TISM song I Rooted A Girl Who Rooter A Guy Who Who Rooted A Girl Who Rooted A Guy Who Rooted A Girl Who Rooted Shane Crawford. Good song.

That's the one I wouldn't have remembered that anyway