A Conversation for I Want One of Those
Alternative Writing Workshop: A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Icy North Started conversation Jul 14, 2009
Entry: I Want One of Those - A54435990
Author: Icy North - U225620
I think this is the first time in the AWW for me.
This is inspired by the latest Stretcher challenge. I hope someone enjoys it.
Icy
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
lil ~ Auntie Giggles with added login ~ returned Posted Jul 14, 2009
Exciting: I was really rushing to get to the end 
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
J Posted Jul 14, 2009
I like it. Very hootoo. You might be describing h2g2, really. 
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Jul 14, 2009
Great story. The description is...yummy.
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
aka Bel - A87832164 Posted Jul 14, 2009
Wonderful description of a mysterious item. 
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Tibley Bobley Posted Jul 14, 2009
Where'd you get them? I want one too
It sounds almost entirely unlike the V Doonican's Marvellous Toy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tT_YO16lbU
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor Posted Jul 14, 2009
Nice video. Love those Daleks. Now, I do NOT want one of those in my living room...
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
minorvogonpoet Posted Jul 14, 2009
This is a great description!
You had me wondering if the thing was modern or ancient. And the fact that it's empty seems somehow profound.
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Icy North Posted Jul 15, 2009
Thanks all,
Now, as this is a workshop, can anyone suggest improvements? I don't normally do 'creative'.
Icy
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
pailaway - (an utterly gratuitous link in the evolutionary chain) Posted Jul 15, 2009
Nice one! 
I'd suggest (since you ask) that you draw the ending out by separating the sentences instead of running them together, viz:
So let's take a peep at what's inside.
Yes, that's perfect.
Absolutely nothing.
That and the use of "Boy" occurs twice which is noticeable, you might see if you can find another exclamation in place of one of the instances.
This reminds me of that scenario where two people look inside a revered thing and are asked later what they saw - one says, "nothing" and the other says "everything"
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
LL Waz Posted Jul 17, 2009
Neat 
. Perfectly empty!
It has a nice, easy style.
If you want further suggestions - I'd try drawing out the ending even more. It still felt a bit of a quick finish.
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Icy North Posted Jul 19, 2009
Thanks LLWaz.
Yes, I'll see what I can do to stretch it out a little more.
A54435990 - I Want One of Those
Icy North Posted Jul 31, 2009
Now this has been published in the h2g2 Post, I've removed it from the AWW.
Thanks for all your comments.
Icy
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Alternative Writing Workshop: A54435990 - I Want One of Those
- 1: Icy North (Jul 14, 2009)
- 2: lil ~ Auntie Giggles with added login ~ returned (Jul 14, 2009)
- 3: J (Jul 14, 2009)
- 4: Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor (Jul 14, 2009)
- 5: aka Bel - A87832164 (Jul 14, 2009)
- 6: Tibley Bobley (Jul 14, 2009)
- 7: Dmitri Gheorgheni, Post Editor (Jul 14, 2009)
- 8: minorvogonpoet (Jul 14, 2009)
- 9: Icy North (Jul 15, 2009)
- 10: pailaway - (an utterly gratuitous link in the evolutionary chain) (Jul 15, 2009)
- 11: Icy North (Jul 15, 2009)
- 12: LL Waz (Jul 17, 2009)
- 13: Icy North (Jul 19, 2009)
- 14: Icy North (Jul 31, 2009)
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