h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Foldy is a golden oldie
Some hold he is going mouldy
When he bites a Garibaldi
Windows shatter in Kirkcaldy.

Oh tickle your tale, your incredible tale
Reminds me of the time that I wrestled a snail
I was gored
I was lost
By his horns I was tossed
Over the floor, and into next door
"That will teach you to throw!"
I said,"How did you know?"
But he put me in a half nelson,
So I'll never know.
He slipped quietly away
Leaving a trail
And a badly chewed lettuce.
Ain't that just like a snail?

Frank said I should come here to try
Nonsense verse, but I'mnot sure I should.
Cos I really just do not know why
But me brain it is made out of wood

So let's find some genre we're into
Like historical verse - Huh, that's a laugh
I'll scratch my head - beware of a splinter!
No, I won't try it, you'll think that I'm daft.

Oh, alright then, I suppose that I might
Try a nonsense verse. What's it about?
A jelly that wobbled all night?
Yes, and in the morning, it awoke with a shout!

The Jellybump, that dreadful bump
Came slithering down my chest
And settled there like an engine sump
It made me feel like a bloated chump
Gloop gloop gloop went the ghastly lump
I'm not feeling at my best
And it wants milk tray
Make it go away
In my room it is my ellythump
And now I've got a big fat rump!
Open the window and let me jump!
Now I'm stuck, and I can't get away!
The Jellybump has decided I must stay!

(apologies to Shenandoah)

Oh Jelly Lump - I long to taste you -
Away you wobbling pudding.
Oh Jelly Lump - I long to lick you -
Go away, away from here, the whole evening unending.


Oh Sugar Cube - you tasty morsel -
With your white no nonsense flavour
Oh Sugar Cube - you pleasure sweetener
Go away, away from me, and do my teeth an awful favour.

Oh Fairy Cake - what made me bake you -
With your top of butter icing
Oh Fairy Cake - I long to bite you
Run away, away from here, you are far, far too enticing.

I think "Shenandoah" should apologise to you!

All the world's nonsense was lost one time.
'Twas a terrible, terrible thing!
You would pay high prices for a two-line rhyme,
And twice that if one had to sing!

Today I offer "The Ballad of What To Do", part 1.
I invite any of you to write parts 2, 3 and 4 at your leisure:-

The men of Allbeat
In a bar they did meet
Not just a pub
It was more like a club
They came to discuss
What to do about us.

Three Sunday School teachers
Delightful young creatures
Think girls should be felt
In our Bible belt
And that silver ring
Is a silly old thing.

One silly young perve
Tried to get up the nerve
"Stop looking, young pup!
We must cover them up!"
And a Mormon called small
Said he'd marry us all.

The men of Dundown.
Also lived in that town
They gathered in twos
And they had to choose
Which of them would face death
Who would take their last breath.

"Their skin is so pale
They should all wear the veil
Their souls we must save
I want one as a slave
We must not let them roam
We must keep them at home!"

They drew up a plan
Man after man
All men of their word
Would take up the sword
On us they depended
We must be defended

Those who sang in the choir
Didn't dare to conspire
Those who worked down the pit
Were dismissive of it
But the soldiers imperious
They were all deadly serious.

That Allbeat gang
How they swore, how they sang
Of their total desire
How they would light a fire
Given a chance
They would make maidens dance.

"Sall we buy them some jewels?
They will think we are fools
Men want to get laid
There is money to be made
They seem so out of reach
We should all have one each.

With our hands in our laps
We just dreamed about chaps
We straightened our hair
And we didn't care
Spring Summer or Fall
We were having a ball.

Ladies of leisure
Enjoying the pleasure
Of choosing a mate
Yet making them wait
For a kiss or a feel
It was such a good deal.



It gets much more exciting in chapter 2

Cantilever colliwobble
Can't I leave a dolly cobble?
Can't 'ee see I am in trouble?
Look again, do you see double?
Help a miser in distress
Organise a wedding dress
Sticky mucky telly welly
Sicky ducky telly belly
Horror horror terror terror
Borrow borrow never never
Hey I gotta penny over
Watta lotta money bother
Better get a runaway
Marry her another day.

My advice to her: sit tight.
You could marry another knight.

So you think there are no more owls and such;
No more pussy my pussy my love;
No more dragons to slay; no more double dutch;
At the end of the borogrove.
Did you imagine that slithy toves
No longer slither and slithe?
Well in every child's imagination
Such creatures are surely alive.
When the little grey cells stop connecting
You can carry me off in a box.
But you'd better watch out next Saturday;
The day of the silver fox;
The year of the pig; the month of the dragon;
The hour of sheer delight.
Tis the time for the Nurdles and Splingebuckets all
To have their annual fight.
Most of us love the taste of blood
And will bite you if you look away.
If it doesn't rain, and there isn't a flood,
Be there on Saturday!

"Be There": Algernon Splingebucket.

On an island far away,
In the middle of the sea,
Is the land of missing socks
That belong to you and me.

There are many that have holes,
So, let's face it, no one cares
If they ever are returned.
Still, to hope one always dares!

There is a phantom sock eater
Who lives in the washing machine
So though you may put a pair of socks in
Only one of them comes out clean

The other has gone forever
I suppose I'll ever know where
It's gone where all the odd socks go
But, frankly, I do I really care?

Except that now and then it's a sock
That means a lot to me
Like that pair I was given for Christmas
As a gift on the Christmas tree.

A really striking pair they were
In a dangerous shade of blue
With polka dots in yellow and white
And a scarlet kangaroo

Oh I try to stop the washing machine
From eating my favourite socks
By pegging them together
And inside, putting some rocks

But even that won't deter the thing
That gobbles them one by one
So I now have decided to just give in
And leave it to its fun

If you were a sock it would be such a shock
To forever to lose your twin
Even worse for a glove to have lost its true love
As for slippers, where can I begin?
If you come in pairs then nobody stares
Until you are left on your own
You can't get a divorce from a shoe of course
It's not RIGHT to be LEFT alone

I am not very clever today.
Punctuation and spelling have withered away.
I'm getting mixed up 'cause my sister's not well;
Which is making me sad, and I love her; still,
She has had a good life, now she's fading away.
Makes me think of our childhood, what more can I say?

In a marketplace in southern Spain
I went last month, never again!
We tried to buy a pretty pair of shoes;
Red slippers to wish on, who could refuse.
We found the very thing, just the right size;
A left footed slipper, there before our eyes.
The woman scowled and muttered under her breath.
No right foot slipper could be found, another left
One she presented, with a peal of Spanish laughter.
Said some one else had bought the slipper we were after.

This evening just a little more of:

The Ballad of What to Do" Part 2.:-

Our fathers so stern
Lots of money did earn
We had no need to worry
We were not in a hurry
To lose anything,yet
There was pleasure to get.

Though still at school
Young Madge was no fool
She came up with a plan
To capture a man
Not be left on the shelf
To have one for herself.

Now there's Benny Allbeat
And he's very sweet
Plays guitar, sings a song
Has lashes so long
Maybe Benny she'll catch
And make it a match.

But then, Danny Dundoon
Would make any girl swoon
They all say he is strong
And exceedingly long
Well, I'm asking you
What should a girl do?

My name is Fanny
Got that from my Granny
Who had imagination
And high expectation
Granddad, in bed
Did just what Granny said.

She was a witch
Her fingers would itch
After making a spell
After that she knew well
How her herbs and her potions
Would give a man notions.

The last of the three
Was too shy to be
Involved in their schemes
Yet she too had dreams
She'd fallen for Tony
Who'd bought her a pony.

Her name was Bess
She knew how to dress
When she undid a button
Young Tony wasn't mutton
But like a lamb to the slaughter
Was beguiled by this daughter.

These girls formed a coven
They swore they would govern
The boys they desired
Their hormones were fired
They longed to be kissed
No lad could resist.

They gathered at night
A fire they did light
They danced all around
Trampling the ground
These virgins three
Were emerging, you see.

Come the dawn came the news
That one of their shoes
Had come off while they danced
While they wantonly pranced
Among the ashes was found
A singed shoe on the ground.

The young shepherd boy
Had thought it was a toy
His mother said no
Into town you must go
To the town hall
You must tell all.

So the good men were sad
"Have our Daughters gone mad?
Now we must lock them up
So that no randy pup
Should fall for their charms
We must all take up arms!"

I made a soup the other day, of sausage and of lentil,
And all my friends assumed it was a statement transcendental..
I tried to say it was just soup; I'd not much in my coffers,
But they insisted I was one of the great philosophers.