h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The sun is a tireless source of light,
A source of wonder and a source of heat.
The Sun loving worshipers marvel at the sight.
They whisper to each other when in secret they meet,

"We must have This as our God, let no other man,
Lie in His light without getting a tan.
We offer to the Sun our children's skin.
Let it redden, let it burn, may You never go in.

You may hide behind a cloud yet we know You will be there
You will shine another time if we send You this prayer
Lord of the sky Thou art greater than the moon
Though You burn us to a crisp we will be with Thee soon."

Soup of the evening, beautiful soup,
Give me your soup Paul, gloop, gloop, gloop
Such a pottage could sustain a military troop
Who will march on lentil when they eat Paul's Soup!

Our old gym mistress was tall and fit
And she went by the name of Gossage.
She was as strong as she was long, and proud of it
She put it down to lentils and sausage.

In Semblebore the battledoor is always open wide.
So when the river Rother runs the eels allowed to ride,
Are told to go inside, and then to barricade the bride.
And when the sand eels run they always run against the tide.

Double down to Dusseldorf and wheeze among the Weeze.
Double doors and battledoors will always try to please.
Prey don't take the trouble now to double to your knees.
Single out a singleton and lie there under trees.

nice one Paul

Iee Iee adeeoh
Who's your Daddioh?
Iffeeyollers Ledimgoh
Iee Iee adeeoh

I clap my hands then hold my breath:
I've killed a moth; his powdery wings
No more will beat; he met his death;
And for my sins my finger stings.

My hat

I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
For what I have upon my head
Is dread for all to see.

I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
My hair has gone its own sweet way
A bad hair day times three.

I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
Mad hatters make your way at once
To my small hostelry

I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
Bring forth your wares for my bad hair
I beg on bended knee

I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
It's only fair to those that stare -
Save them from misery!


I need a hat immediately
It's an emergency
It should be huge, it should be vast
To show the less of me.

The best six months I ever had,
Were those six months when I was mad.
A daisy can only be a daisy,
But a man has the option of going crazy.
That's the one good thing about humanity,
Its infinite capacity for real insanity.
You serious fellows are a bunch of old plonkers
Come on you chaps! let's all go bonkers!

I once met a clever young milliner
Who brilliantly displayed the great skill in her
By fashioning a hat
From a live ginger cat
It was obvious her cruelty was thrilling her.

Today the clouds are so sad that they cry.
Buckets of tears descend from the sky.
The temperature's down, and where is that sun?
Indoors on my own, and it isn't much fun.
Sunday's the day for a lark and a caper,
Not for sitting inside simply reading the paper.
So cheer up you clouds now and don't be so sad.
You are dampening my spirits and driving me mad.
Joy has deserted me, love's out of reach.
The children are waiting to go on the beach.
I've no wine in my cupboard, no beer in my fridge.
Now I've been bitten by a frustrated midge.
You horrible insect for picking on me!
Oh dear now I think I've been stung by a bee!
Things must get better, they couldn't get worse.
Good job that it's only in my nonsense verse.

I wandered through a field so proud
The grass was high and I felt ill
Then all at once I coughed out loud
And realized I'd caught a chill
That made me shake and start to sneeze
Spluttering and falling to my knees.

Reaching out with open arms the animals you meet on farms
Trust that we will go away and will not eat them anyway
Better they were never born if on a plate and sliced to form
A meal for you a meal for me, a juicy piece of meat for tea.

The interest soon must flourish in this forum.
Very soon we'll have enough to make a quorum.
More strange ideas would make me quite ecstatic
But we'll need more than four it it's to be democratic.

Be good young man! Crime does not pay.
You should go into Politics anyway.
There's an opportunity to feather your nest.
With your wicked inclinations it would suit you best.
A cabinet job is very well paid.
If you rise to he top you are sure to get laid.
You could be Prime Minister and send our boys to war.
You could interfere with people from a distant shore.
You could lock up all the criminals, people like you.
Then take a seat in The Lords, with not a lot to do.
You could be more important than your mother or your gran.
With several big houses, you wicked little man!

very apropos F&S

Or you could go to University to learn about life,
Where they drink a lot of beer and are in debt to the wife,
Who has better qualifications but has children in her care,
So she pays a poorer woman, who straightens her hair,
Has jewels in her belly and is covered with tattoos
While her uneducated partner spends all the money on booze
But she'll mind your kids while you go out to work.
You say you have to do it and the duties that you shirk,
Are none of your business, there's a mortgage to be covered
And what does it matter how the children are mothered?
Then theirs private education, superior schools'
Not 40 in a classroom like all the other fools
For you precious little darling, whom you hardly know.
It will cost a small fortune, can you afford to go,
To go so far, to go to such extremes,
To gain all that advantage and to follow your dreams?

Oh dear, I put on my serious hat
I will take it off now, that is quite enough of that!

He is upwardly mobile and doesn't have piles
The crow on my rooftop that pecks at the tiles.
Now the raven is craven and found in a book,
The sparrow is narrow, not like a rook.
A tit will go twit, and a lark will not bark,
Like a dog, and a starling, the darling, is dark,
Yet he shines with such colours when he's in the sun.
The blackbird is noisy but has lots of fun,
Eating crumbs that I scatter, watch out for the cat,
Who does not love an owl, or anything like that.
He catches birds and does not go to sea,
In a pea green boat, that was only me.