h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

See, this is what happens to me whan I have nothing to do and am all on my own. I make up rubbish lies to keep myself occupied.

I, actually (I'm going to stop using the word "actually" from now on, after all, all it's really for is to have a telphone conversation that goes along the line of:

"Is Mr Merton in, please?
Actually, he's not.
Might you tell me a good time to try back?
Actually, he's on a plane to Philadelphia.
Good for him, perhaps I'll try him the middle of next week.
Actually, he's coming back tonight.
Oh good, I'll try him tommorow then.
Actually, he's not coming in tommorow.
Actually, could you put me on hold while I drive over there with some pepper spray and a dog muzzle?
Actually, I'm going home in five minutes.
Oh, I see. Ok tomorrow for sure then. Promise?")

And the strange thing is, the only person I've heard of, who's called Mr Merton, is Paul Merton. And I've never had a telephone call with him. Or have I?

I teach with a Mr Merton.

Not simultaneously, of course.

B

And Merton isn't even his real name.

What about Mrs. Merton?

RF

Or Merton College, Oxford.

B

I used to know someone called Brent. but that isnt' the same. But I never knew his surname, a coincidence? most probably.

Ah yes, I know a Mrs Merton as well. But she's not really called Mrs Merton either. Plus, I've never had an "Actually" conversation with her.

Well actually, you should, actually.

RF

I didn't eat an earwig, anyway. I only had a small packet of ginger cookies sprinkled with sugar coated heinz beans. Though I don't eat the sugar coated beans, I gave them to my set of tea trays, who were patiently waiting in the lobby of my car. Where an egg cup with the words "the white rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet" laid waiting for me to boil an egg in the Petrol station.

All of that was lies too. It was all concocted for the sole purpose of me typing a message in order to correct the subject line of this thread.

Apart from the egg cup with the "Three blasts..." words on it. I've got one of those.

Actually, you kno, that actuall ay a few years back I actually got told off actually by one of my actual friends for actually useuing actually atually too much in Emails I was sending him. Actually come to think of it, thats the last time I bothered writing to saddam, the ungrateful bastard, he's still got my origional copy of Guitar on 12" vinyl....

Actuallt, this thread wasn;t meant to be about the word "actually".

Though I can't remember what it was meant to be about.

I got lost in the murray of it all.

Perhaps it was an atempt, to actually move away from the pervesive nature of the actually happening occuring events and to digress by means of a diverssion to that which you wished it to be about?

Actually, if you ever watch that TV chef, what's his name, spikey hair an all that, he actually uses the words "actual" and "actually" a lot. I've actually heard him say things like "put the sugar into the actual meringue"... it's quite bizarre, actually.

RF

Actually, I think that was it

"Actual meringue" as oppised to "pretend meringue"?

I've got a pretend meringue in the daddy long leg cupboard, actually.

I've actually gotten myself to such a state of totally and utterly actually total confusion that I've flown out of the window whilst I've been filing my nails. I didn't notice till I bumped in to the man readin g the Guardian on top of the neighbours telegrpah pole. odd that actually, maybe I don't know. Actually my mind does atual weird things someitimes, saves a fortune on drugs actually. oh look, the lobsters are home again, strange how they always fly south this time of year.

Actually, I live in Merton

I live in a small yelllow badgerine.

I think I might just have swallowed a small yellow badgerine, actually - some sort of ine anyway

A man reading the Guardian bumped into a Telegraph Pole?

Firstly, how could you tell he was a Pole?

Secondly, I bet they had an argument, opposite ends of the political spectrum an' all...

RF

I woke up this morning,
my badger were gone,
I said I woke up this morning, my badger was gone,
So I went a outside to find him, got run over by a truck, forty-two ton,
waited for teh abelence, dr dribeby sho shouting did I hear,
I watied for a ambelence, drive by shouting did I hear,
then up walked my badger, and handed me a beer.