h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I spent an hour yesterday stuck in a boring meeting with IT managers. Each was giving an update on all the issues in their area of responsibility. No only were they trying to outdo each other, but they were trying to impress the boss.

As a result, I heard a lot of Officespeak metaphors. I decided to write some of it down.

I won't list it all here, but I was interested to see that many of the sayings could be categorised into a number of themes. One was 'food':

"We need visibility of what's in the pot!"
"This is a political potato!"
"He's really got his teeth into it!"
"It could be his choke point!"

(maybe 'automotive', that last one)

And so, 15 years into the new millennium, I reckon it's time for another survey of officespeak. If you can bear it, I invite you to record and post today's cringeworthy metaphors. What themes can you see among them?

I've a boss who never talks about problems, only challenges. So she will say "Can anyone see a challenge in that?"

As a word, 'challenge' has an interesting history. Originally it was a fault, then it was a false accusation or malicious slander (14th-17th C). A 'call to fight' is as old as the 15th Century. I think this is the implication of the current usage - the management are expecting you to fight and conquer this thing (even if it's only a faulty printer)

It's not the only Officespeak used in the theme of 'war', though. Yesterday I wrote down:

"We've got a problem on the payroll front!"
"We need to regroup on that!"

"It could be his choke point!"

In my experience working with IT 'experts' that is the point where I place both hands around their neck and try to shake some sense into them.

F S

Was that meant to be a "Political HOT potato"? That makes a bit more sense. A "political potato" would definitely have all eyes on him.


For me a "choke point" suggests fluid dynamic imagery, a point where the flow is constricted and pressure builds.


The big thing out here where I work seems to be some official list of "Expected Behaviors". I keep seeing this in announcements and newsletters. Just today I saw the following:

~~~~~
The fourth is to:
Be Open Minded - Be receptive. We seek knowledge that will strengthen our team and ourselves.
Ask yourself:
o Do I look for innovative ways to address challenges?
o Do I look inward for areas of improvement?
o Do I actively seek honest discussion and feedback, particularly if a situation is unfolding?
o Do I help others to learn and improve?
o Do I offer constructive alternatives, observations, and dissention?
~~~~~~


Ugh... the air of "management seminar" emanating from that is palpable.

Don't get me started on all that human resource expected behaviours and capability mananegement stuff...



And yes, he said "political potato". It was what inspired me to start writing them down. The imagery was compelling. In the UK, we'll be electing potatoes into parliament in a few weeks time.

The Eyes to my right have it...

<BB<

Well, when the chips are down, these half-baked ideas are gratin on me.

I always think some straight talking in these meetings might just impress the bosses more.

But have you noticed this lublocks is creeping into sales presentation to customers.

I cut one short the other day in mid guff by asking what he meant in english he did not know as he could not translate the script into simple language, he had a go but it was clear that he had no idea.

Tour guides are the same speaking in generalities ask questions its fun if they are pompous and you are in a mood. I tend to hold back unless they talk down to other members of the party.

For a long time I wondered what a new paradigm was. It seemed like twenty cents in newly minted coins.

The choke point could also be a bottleneck, another food or drink metaphor.