h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This afternoon, a classmate of my called, to ask if he was still not better. The problem was - I had no idea that he was . He hasn't been to school for more than a week now, and I had no idea
I am aware that this casts a bad light on me and hubby,everybody says that the reason for his behaviour lies with us. When we asked him for the reason, the told us that he had been afraid of getting bad marks in his tests,and then being forbidden all his activities, so he chose to skip them.We have never punished the boys for bad marks, but their PC-, Nintendo- and TV- and friends- time was restricted when there were too many bad marks. I am very insecure now, and I'm scared.
What shall we do now ? How shall we go on ?
It is possible, that I will not spend as much time on hootoo as I'm used to, until we've found a way to cope.
Thanks for listening

I agree B'Elana, not the easiest situation to deal with. I think you should make it clear to him that skipping is not the simple solution.

I think he knows that already, but couldn't find a way to talk to me, that's what makes me so sad

Yes that is unfortunate

And, what's worse - will I ever trust him 100% again ? I want to, but right now, I'm still too shocked and insecure, I'm not sure if he told the truth now.

dont blame yourself claudia..perhaps he didnt want to worry you n tried to deal with it himself..you know what males are like

Yes, I kno, and I'd say he's a typical male, but then he's only thirteen, and he should have trusted me - which he didn't, so how sad is that

Hi Claudia.
You can't blame yourself for this. Its not bad parenting that makes a child skip school. Maybe he is in with the wrong crowd, or being picked on. Once you get to the root of the problem, than you'll know how to solve it.

Kids never trust their parents, especially when they're teenagers. Take it from someone only a year older than him, it's not your fault. If I was in the same situation as him, there's no chance I'd tell my mum or talk to her about it. I don't know what advice to give you in the way of talking to him... but I know it's not your fault he didn't talk to you about it. Ok?

Lady B'El, I don't remember much of my teen years. I do remember that it was natural to rebel, AND to not tell my parents of things that I thought I might resolve on my own.

Please don't see it so much as a lack of his trust in you as his own maturing and trying to cope. Even if with mistaken ways ...

hi claudia,i don't think for a minute that your parenting skills will be in question.It's hard been thirteen,and fourteen,and ,,,well i don't need to carry on,do i!
I remember playing truant when i was twelve,and boy did i get into trouble,but there really wasn't a reason for it,,,i simply didn't want to go to school.
I'm sure thing will sort themselves out ,and he'll really regret not going to school.i'd just give him time to talk to you ,maybe this will give him a chance to realise he should have brougt his worries to you.

When a child reaches a certain age, the excuse that all behaviour lies with the parents doesn't always wash.

My son is pretty much the same age - he'll be 13 next month - and I know there are times he doesn't want to tell me things. The best I can do in these situations is let him know that I'm ready to listen when he's ready to tell me.

At the age our lads are, you can't force them to tell you things - any more than we could when they were 5, to be honest.

The most important thing is to make it clear, in a calm and unthreatening way, that avoiding situations doesn't make a problem go away, but makes it worse. I've always made it clear to my lad that whatever he does is never as bad as lying about it, and that lies always get found out. I'm sure you've probably done the same.

Despite this there are times when he thinks he can get away with it and, invariably when he gets found out the penalty for the lie is stronger than the penalty would have been for the misdemeanour.

I have a slightly similar situation with my son at the moment; he's begging me to let him take a day off at the end of June, as that's the hand-in day for a tech project that he doesn't fully understand. I've told him absolutely no way, and I will be sending a note in to his tech teacher to make sure he gets all the info and help he needs.

You're not alone in restricting PC / Nintendo / TV time as penalties for poor behaviour, and we all also know that lads can be devious beggars, no matter how well they're raised. Don't beat yourself up about it, but make sure you speak to your son and he realises it's the disappointment of his lies that you're upset about, not what marks he may, or may not have got, in his test. All we ever ask of our kids is that they try their best; that will always be good enough.

Hope you and yours work this out OK.

Ancrene

Hi Bel,

I have a 10 year old son who is punished by restricted PC/Nintendo/TV and while he hasn't played truant, yet?, he has lied to us about homework and an assignment that he was scared to do, (he figured it would be better to not hand it in rather than hand in a bad one). Perhaps there are some school issues with your son.

I hope that you resolve this quickly for both your sakes

P2

I would comment on these suggestions, but being on the child side of this, it might lead to some arguments. I guess I don't understand the parent side of it as well as you don't understand the child... I would try to offer some good advice, but I don't know enough about the child in question or the situation to be able to do it well enough, anyway, it wouldn't be playing the game fairly if you got help from the other team, now would it?

Thank you all for your support.
I really didn't sleep well, woke up in the middle of the night and worried, couldn't get back to sleep
I know this doesn't change anything, but how to stop the flood of thoughts ?
manson, I know that you don't trust your mum, I never trusted my parents, but then I knew my dad would beat me, so I think that's understandable. However, my sun knew that the only thing that would happen would be that we'd tell him to do his homework and prepare for his tests, before going to see his friends, or go playing. So is this really so bad, and worth skipping school ? Now his situation is even worse, cause he's missed all his classes. And he'll not be allowed to see his friends for quite a while now, no PC or Nintendo anymore.
I always knew he had his secrets, and didn't insist that he told me all, cause I think he has the right to have a few secrets, but I thought he knew that I was there to help him if needed. I wonder how long he would have gone on, if we hadn't found out ?

Hi Bel,

Just to say I'll be thinking of you and your son during this difficult time.

I'm sure I can't offer a quick and simple solution, but something you might consider is reward alongside punishment. This could help encourage positive behaviour rather than simply restrict the negative.

Does he have interests outside PC/Nintendo? I think I would consider helping him develop some.

Take a break from h2g2, and then come back and tell us some good news about him.

Icy

B'Elana, I do not know what say, but I hope he will see that you mean well.

Hi Claudia,
We too were faced with a similar problem,the eldest playing truant.It was an issue with school that he had and wouldn`t tell us because he didn`t want to worry us or make a fuss,we sat down with him and talked with him found out the problem and got it resolved It did warrant us going to school,but he realised that we were here for him.Since then even though all my sons have grown up and left home they still come to us for advice.Let him know that you will be there when he`s ready to talk but don`t force him this will only cause resentment,most of all reassure him that you still love him no matter what

G xxxxxxx

Don't feel too guilty. I know some perfectly wonderful parents who's son suddenly started skipping school and got into real trouble. He never gave any real trouble before; when I taught him he seemed sweet and rather quiet. I think he just fell in with bad company. I don't say this to give you nightmares, but just to say it can happen to pretty much anyone. It's a fact that teens have some weird wiring in the brain, and sometimes there's just no good reason for their behavior.
In your case and their's, I should think the school would be responsible for checking up on him after he'd been missing a few days! After all, you left him in the school's care (or thought you did!) You should have an understanding with them that they should call if he's missing again. Surely they can do that for you- or else you will just have to call and bother them every day!
I'm sure you will get to the bottom of this soon. If you talk to him enough, I think you will figure out what's true and what isn't. It would be hard for a kid that age to invent a whole week and keep the story straight and believable. It appears you intervened soon enough to avert a real problem. It is possible for a child to get unreasonably stressed about grades. You may not be the cause, or at least not the main cause, at all. When I was 13, my mom had to tell my pre-Algebra teacher to stop giving so much homework because I was sleep-walking and dreaming of math at night!(It helped too!)
Please try to not lie awake at night. You are no doubt doing your best. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Just a suggestion, how about instead of restricting all his fun when his grades aren't going too well, you sit him down and go over some of his work with him and try to help him understand it better so that he can do it well and has no need to fear getting poor marks because he can actually do it well.