h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The menu card looks tired.

The choice of wines is sparse to say the very least, and dear, but of course these diners are captives, it's like it or lump it.

A quick glance and I've a distinct regret that I've not brought my own food. But the problems with this are manifold, unless you're fond of sandwiches or salad there's not a lot you can easily transport on board an aircraft. Wouldn't be too bad if you'd not just emptied your fridge/freezer and entire kitchen cupboards of any fresh food, ie nothing left to make a meal from anyway.

Recently, a solution had been found involving a takeaway wrap with hoisin duck, a sort of fruit muesli and a smoothie, but this being a journey facing the opposite way to those where trendy 'meal deals' were offered, carry-on food would be a choice between Burger King, a pizza slice or a bocadillo ( cheese roll ). Lanzarote departure lounge may have an outdoor smoking area, complete with wall to wall sunshine, but it doesn't boast a healthy choice of foodstuffs.

But hey, not to worry, because on this one occasion, due to a hefty discount on the price of the flight, I'd decided to pre-order the in-flight meal. So, ignoring the tempting bacon panini, I just pay for the wine. Bacon! yes totally devoid salad, just bread and bacon, but bacon. You know, I should have kept the faith and channelled 2legs, but I was wrong-headed and had already cast my dice in the game of chance of the airline meal.

I should have known better. Just a few years ago, meals came as standard in the flight price, and they were definitely more substantial. Today's offering was so small as to appear to have been designed for a doll's tea party. Rather in the manner that show homes have specially designed furniture to prevent you noticing how tiny the rooms are, the portion size of this 'food' was mirrored by the minutely wrought plastic cutlery.

Take the parsnips. Both pieces. Each no larger than a generous matchstick. And the three slivers of green bean, the four matching juliennes of carrot. Had the fork not been lilliputian, the prongs would not have had a hope in hell's chance of spearing these vanishingly small bits of veg. Accompanying this were two small, nondescript sausage and a bare spoonful of some sort of mash.

This was followed by a pudding, well, if you could qualify the amuse bouche helping of sponge and apple as a dessert and not some in-between-normal-course-appetiser. The spoon given to consume this was about half the size of my smallest coffee spoon. Therefore there were approximately 8 spoonfuls. It still didn't fool me though, as the whole quantity would easily fit into a small eggcup.


Ah! I hear you shout, but don't forget the cheese and biscuits! no, don't. But you won't feel satisfied even so. Two pieces of cheese, sturdily wrapped in impenetrable plastic wrap. (the plastic knife is no help here) Unwrapped, each piece is about half the size of a domino. It looks lost against the miniature cracker that is its partner. No butter, but a small pot of chutney, which does not appear to have any allergen advice. I'm too hungry to be suspicious and eat it ravenously.

Next time, I go back to the bacon panini and the bag of maltesers washed down with overpriced redwine.

If you want picture evidence you can judge for yourselves here:
http://www.monarch.co.uk/faq/flights/food-and-drink/what-can-i-buy-onboard

but don't be fooled. There are no white china plates. There is a paper tray. Even *if* the food was tipped onto a plate, it too would be dollhouse size. And the enticing looking black cardboard container? That's what it's packaged in.

That's outrageous. I hope you got a good meal once you arrived.

If you'd like, I could email you a good meal.

The Indian vegan meal that you outlined in your Gran Surtido post sounds good, lanzababy. I've looked up some recipes that approximate the dishes, and expect to make three of them. The tomato/cucumber salad may also get made. I have some good recipes for that combination.

I've never flown with monarch. But they say she has a tiny appetite.

On the upside this journal made me enjoy my breakfast so much more

I hope you are well fed by now

I know I won't find many people who agree with me, but this is why I agree with the way Ryanair do things. You want to eat, you pay for it and choose what you eat. You don't want to eat, at least you're not paying for everyone else's food.

Welcome to the UK - at least there are bigger helpings on the ground!

I'm convinced that the reason they still serve food on long haul flights is to keep the passengers sitting down.

I looked at the picture before I read your last sentence, Lanza, I was *convinced* that the box contained some rather yummy .

I'll not make that mistake again, and neither will you

Ryanair! Arghhh three quid for a cup of scalding brown and a scabby biccy! Oh the joys of air travel!

Aircraft have obviously been updated since I last flew. I'm pretty sure on my last flight, which was only an hour, I was fed practically continuously: orange juice, then cheese & biscuits, then a cup of tea & a biscuit. I was fairly sure the plane was flying on munch power.

Deb

Hmmm, I was going to suggest walk out without paying but perhaps not a good idea at 30,000feet.

I flew on Lufthansa in July and had plenty of food.

I didn't say I ever eat or drink anything on a Ryanair flight. I top up before I get on, and go to the loo, too. Mind you, I only do short trips - the longest was 2 hours I think.

[Amy P]