h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I find this a strange thing, something I have to admit I am terrified off. Yet, this evening I am sat on my own at my parents house while almost every single member of my family has gone. Even my wife, and my brother's ex and their kids have gone along.

From what I can understand, a priest who has known my family for many years will say a short blessing over the open coffin and then the family will walk past, taking it in turns to say goodbye, in advance of tomorrows funeral service and cremation.

But I can't do that. I can't go and see my brother's body. In one way, I think it is because it kinda creeps me out. To see a corpse, a dead person, a rotting body. But mostly, mostly I think it's because I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I don't think I'll ever be.

While he was alive we didn't spend much time together, or rather I didn't realise how much we did. Physically we didn't, but since his passing I've caught myself thinking of him and then having to remind myself that we can't do something, or I can't ask him something. Because he's no longer there. We may not have seen each other every day, but I'm starting to realise that I did indeed think of him every day.

And I wish I'd realised that sooner.

I'm very lucky though, because at least I know that he'd realised it. From one of the last conversations we had, I know that he knew I was always there if and when he needed me. Thinking back over the years, there's been many times when I have been there for him, I just wish I could still be.

But I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not yet.

I know what you mean.

When my dad died, the funeral home people scheduled a time for us kids to say goodbye first, before everybody else got there. It really helped, because one of my sisters was almost unable to do it.

Thinking of you.

It's rather a primitive ritual, isn't it. I have been to a number of viewings, including one where the "work" was rather botched disturbing for a pre-teen to have to look at.

I can understand that feeling of missed opportunity. What would our relationships be like if we really treated every encounter as possibly our last?

When we buried my younger sister, we also had an open coffin viewing. I had very similar thoughts as you've expressed here. I did walk past and look.

At the time, I didn't give it much thought. Mostly, I noticed how... dead she looked. I noticed how much make-up they put on her and how it did nothing but make her appear even more NOT like she normally did. I noticed that changes in her face, how it sagged in ways it shouldn't.


But looking back, I guess the only "positive" aspect of viewing her was that it really made me understand that she was just "gone". That wasn't her I was looking at but simply her "empty vessel". At the time I was still questioning in my spirituality. I didn't think there was a heaven or afterlife, but I wasn't sure. But I knew that she was just gone.

I have no desire to ever walk in procession at an open viewing again. I'm not creeped out by it in any sense, I just no longer see any sense in doing so for me.

I'm sure, for some people it may give them some sense of closure or... something, I don't know. But it's not for me any more.


This probably doesn't help, but I just thought I'd share my thoughts on the subject.

It does help Grim, because it's how I feel. That's not my brother I'd see tonight, that's just his body.

I know he's gone, but I can't yet say goodbye.

I put up a brave facade until a few days after my sister's funeral. I had to be strong for my parents. After all the comings and goings had gone and went, I grieved for her on my own. I listened to a Kate Bush song that reminded me of her and gathered little bits and bobs that did likewise and bawled my eyes out for hours.

I've always been a painfully solitary person though. It was the only way I could grieve.

Again, I'm not saying I recommend it. I'm just relating.

It hurts to think about all these years later.

I don't have any words. One day though, I might have to go through the same thing, and perhaps your words may help, Baron and Pastey.

The time will come, for you. It might not be the 'right time', as in 'now', for the 'viewing' etc. but that doesn't matter. AT some point, you'll reconsile, and come to terms, and then it'll make sense. In some strange way. Until which time... there isnt' anythin you, or anyone else can say/do, that will make much differnce, IMO... so... so sorry. but. It is just painful. isnt' it? one day it'll be less so. it will. which doesn't help, at all, until , of course, that time comes. It just takes time. a lot of time.

I didn't go to the viewing of my granny this year. I wanted to remember her alife, not dead.

Never regret your decision. One day you will realise that you had already said your 'goodbyes' in your own way

I had to go and see my Nan in the box, just because I'd rather remember at peace than in the process of dying. Guess it's a personal preference that's dependent on the situation.

Whatever you choose, Pastey, it'll be for the best.

It's a personal choice, and you surely have the right to do what you feel is best for you.

My circumstances, where my perfectly 'fit and healthy' husband had a massive heart attack while playing golf with his best friends, and I was actively prevented from seeing his body, meant that I had to fight the Spanish authorities to see there was no mistake - that it was really him in that coffin. Unfortunately, it was, but until that moment it was impossible to believe.


Sending fondest love Pastey - hope your life will resume in a more gentle way from now on.

Do what feels right.

He knew you loved him, and so do you.

Well, we're now waiting for the hearse and cars to turn up. It's very surreal seeing family I've not seen for 6 or so years, and two I've never met before.

I've never been to a funeral with a "viewing" and I don't really see how it would help anyone. You do what's right for you.

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Mr Vip too.

Each circumstance and reaction is specific and extremely personal. So my comments are my own and might not apply to your case.

Not being ready to let go I believe is a common reaction. Wanting to remember someone (as a visual memory) when they are alive rather than when they are no longer alive and in a coffin seems also perfectly reasonable.

Having a hand to hold on to while viewing might have helped both for you and for the person you were holding hands with - it could even strengthen bonds between you and the person you were holding hands with - a shared moment in the most stressful of circumstances. On my part I would try to think of others also going to the viewing and trying to be there to support them ... again some of them may have been in a position to support you too (mutual support) and this too could have strengthened bonds between you and them.

Ps what might help is keeping hold of an item that was theirs or had belonged to them - something tangible and tactile of him that you could put in your pocket and / or carry with you. As others have mentioned the pain should go away in time.

I remember many many years ago now going to a grans funeral and doing the viewing thing before. As has been said, it is the person and it isn't.
To be honest, there are a couple of funerals I didn't make that I will always regret, funny how life does that to you isn't it.