h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

how essential is it to keep the facial hair?

It is part of my essential essence. A bit like lipstick to a sheila

hmmm ok so we will scrap the historical accuracy - not big on beards in medieval times. Hair long or short?

Balding is a synonym for lack of hair, at least on top. But if you are talking about backs, or even fronts, bare as a baby's bum

Yes yes I meant the sides - hmmmmmm do you have to score with your preferred sex? Cos obviously you wouldn't want to turn up as the Lad who eats the Dung. Do you have a choice stratum of society?

You could go as a Knight Templar. They were very mysterious and therefore very sexy (if you have to score with the opposite sex). Or you could go as the Byzantine Christ. He (obviously) had a beard. You should make a big round gold halo to put round your head and look benevolent yet forceful.

Or you could go as an angel from a medieval painting. Or anyone from Arthurian legend. Sir Lancelot, he was sexy, but you'd have to make chain mail. The secret of successful dressing up, incidentally, is what you put on your head.

It's a lot easier for women, isn't it? I'd go as the Lady of Shalott.

Of course there is always the option of Baldrick

I know ... you would go in a plain dress with lots of small onions around your neck!

Looneytunes - the knights templar idea is v good - all you need is a sheet with a red cross on it. Or you could go as a monk. Or Robin Hood. Or Marco Polo. Or a Pope.

Best of all you could make yourself look all decayed (green face paint or a 24 hour drinking session) and go as one of the murdered princes in the towner. Or the Duke of Clarence who drowned in a vat of fortified wine. Or one the dead from any of the main English battles of the period - lots of people got killed at Shrewsbury.

Impressive grasp of history! I was going to say that the Knights Templar wore white with a red cross, and then thought I was mixing them up with the Crusaders. Although they were established during the Crusades, so I suppose that figures. Don't go as Baldrick Looneytunes, go as Sir Walter Raleigh at least...no no I've got it - Nostradamus! Timely or what! You can bring apt predictions on rolled up bits of manuscript (paper soaked in tea) and hand them out to people.

Nostradamus is the best suggestion so far. Have you thought of going into fancy dress consultancy Jonny? Looneytunes write on your parchment with lemon juice and then hold it over a candle to get that nice sepia effect writing

Lemon juice...cool. Maybe we should go into partnership and set up a page on here advising people on fancy dress! Actually my dressing-up skills pale in comparison with my friend Sarra who is truly the doyenne of the theme party - last seen dressed as a mermaid with a fetching arrangement of gold-sprayed and artily curled pipe cleaners on her head.

I have a terrible hangover today. It must be time for some lunch.

Looneytunes, promise you will go to your party as Nostradamus...

I am trying to discover exactly what a Mexican standoff is?

I use this phrase when sat at a traffic roundabout and each driver waits for the driver on the right (in the UK) to go, as they have right of way.

But I don't know where I picked up this phrase.

I see that you use it, do you know its origin?

no - but 19th Century South American politics was a real hot bed. I will try and find out for you.

A Mexican standoff occurs when both sides are of equal strength in men, firepower and position. It would be suicide if either side advanced. Similar things happen at intersections. Carnage if two vehicles advance at the same time. I am going as Merlin. My partner decided (again). I get the dubious honour of paying for the costume hire.

so have you had the party and how was it?

The cast of Blackadder were the waiting staff. Think Fawlty Towers but worse. At one stage Baldrick was naked apart from two apples. One was in his mouth. You don't want to know where the other one was. Excellent night.

My entire life ends up in some sort of unbveleivable state like that, only usualy without the apples, and more clothes.

Cupid, you obviously believe in living in exciting times

Well, not exactly very exciting, but extremely stressful.