h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Replying to 'I'm sorry about your mum's death' and similar phrases - A954939
Author: spook - U183955

i know from experience.

spook

It depends how well you know the person but I found "We're both going to miss her." Seemed to satisfy most people.

Similarly the best condolence I received was (abbreviated) "Your Mum was special to me too, any time you want to talk about her I'll be glad to do that with you."

i've found a lot of people have said 'if you want to talk about it, you know where i to find me' or things like that, espectially the teachers at school, and it really annoys me. i don't mind if my friends say that, but i'm not gonna go and talk about anything to a teacher when i have good friends and family i can talk to. of course i don't say that, i just say 'i know' or somehting like that.

do you think i should mention that? i really focussed on what people would say at first at a funeral, while 'if you want to talk...' realy comes a bit later i find.

spook

Maybe it worked for me because I'd known the woman all of my life, she was a very old friend of my mother's. I guess the truth is we find the solace where we want it.

I think what matters is that you feel the person means what they say - and they're not just mouthing platitudes.

It makes a lot of difference that I was a father myself when my mother died - I had my children to lean on.

it's different for everyone. age, family, friends, etc. it's different for everyone.

i'm gonna leave the entry as it is, as i don't want to go too deep into things. the entry basically provides a simple guide to replying to the phrases you run into on the death of a loved one.

spook

any more comments?

No real comment, but a very well written piece, which was a thoughtful read to consoling someone else too.

SallyM

thanks!

'I'm sorry' is a crap thing to say to anything unpleasant- after all, it ain't your fault. I find a grunt and a 'bad luck mate', is the least irritating and most sensible response.

Nice piece... There's another really weird phrase that i've heard around deaths "it was for the best"... admittedly, that usually is when your mum and dad put the dog down.
Oberon2001

'for the best' is usually the response when someone's suffered a long and particularly icky disease.

'for the best' is sometimes used after a really long illness when the person who died has been in a lot of pain, however, i didn't receive that comment when my mum died of cancer and i don't think anyone should ever use that phrase. 'at least she's out of pain now' is the comment used mostly after a long illness.

spook

That's a fair enough comment. I still don't think anyone should say 'I'm sorry'. It's just daft.

it is, but it's surprising how many people say it.

spook

"I'm sorry to hear about the death of you mum"

Shouldn't that read "your mum"?

corrected thanks!

It says the same thing again when you list the three main phrases as bullet points.

also corrected

And just while I'm here, your bottom heading says "For everone else".

Maybe I should go and harrass someone else now.

corrected...how many times you read this entry?

spook