h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today I had a little rant in work about the Guy Code and it raised a few eyebrows. Working in a boys school, and looking back over my own experiences, you see how much damage it causes and it's bloody ridiculous.

Through my counselling/anger management I've been introduced to a load of ideas, some useful (the idea of an emotional tank that fills and empties) and some less so (the idea of relationship 'credits') but it's not presented as a one-size-fits-all thing and we're encouraged to pick and choose the things which work for us or make sense. Talking about the Guy Code really opened my eyes: I tend not to think of myself as particularly blokey, I'm generally not concerned about my reputation (which I'm sure will come as a galloping shock to you all, and I normally have no problems expressing myself. Except when it comes to my emotions and that's a big chunk of the Guy Code: don't show emotions because emotions = weakness and you can't ever show weakness. The letter I wrote to my 14 year old self was exceptionally hard to write because it meant being open about the scariest time of my life.

It's also pretty profound when you see it in younger men, like the students I work with. For a big chunk of the student body the only response you'll ever get from them is aggression because that's the only way they know how to be strong. As I mentioned in passing, yesterday I took most of the 6th form to a road safety presentation, where paramedics, police officers, firemen and the parent of a kid killed in a road accident talked about their experiences in the hope the students don't get involved in these kinds of accidents themselves (Bradford has an absolutely atrocious death rate for car crashes). The presentations, particularly the parent talking, were absolutely harrowing and I was left with tears in my eyes at several points. Sadly, some of my students thought it'd be a good time to gossip and laugh. We get back to school and I. Went. Mental.

By the end of my tirade (which the Head of 6th Form considered restrained, which shows how angry she was) I ask the guys to explain themselves before I got their mothers in and explained what monsters they were raising. Three of them said absolutely nothing, while the other two made an attempt at explaining themselves and in both cases it was because they were so uncomfortable but couldn't let their mates see this. And that's the Guy Code and how stupid it is.

For me, the most powerful bit of the presentation, apart from the dad talking about losing his son (which is one of the most upsetting things I've ever heard in my life), was the fireman who described a traffic accident that happened about a mile and a half from where I'm currently sat. He described cutting open cars and fishing peoples limbs out of the bottom of the footwell of a mangled car, about watching a young lads eyes close for the last time and hearing the agonised screams of other casualties. Then he talked about going home to his wife and young family and as he was talking he took off his uniform and was left standing in his normal clothes as he talked about how he wasn't just a fireman: he was a man, he was a father and a husband, a son and a brother, a friend and a colleague. The uniform was a partial armour but he had to take it off and once he had he was still left with the feelings and memories.

I hope in my time I develop the strength and courage, the ability to be that honest, that he has. Even more so, I hope my rabble to.

In your shoes, I'd have gone off on one too.

The whole 'boys don't cry' ethos is a crock of prime quality ordure. I do see signs that it is starting to break down, at least around here, but I don't anticipate seeing the end of that rubbish in my lifetime. I wish you luck in combating the effects.

I hope you sowed some seed of morality in their minds. Deep down, they must know you're right.

But on the other hand, those firemen, policemen etc had also been boys once. Don't they remember the time before they had kids, when they were just showing off their "strength" and "hardness". Surely they could have presented their points in a different way, more suited to adolescents who are very likely to react like this.

I've read this three times, and just can't find words to say in return. But I felt it important to let you know I'd read it, and found it very moving.

Blimey, HI.

They don't get it at that age, but I think most of us here have probably seen grown men cry. Certainly I've seen more than my fair share of that. At the funeral of two special ops guys, surrounded by some of the biggest, meanest, hairy-backsided gorillas of special ops guys. And each of them had a sniffle at some point.

But TC is right - they will learn, in time.

I learned that tear ducts work in all the wrong way. I grew among the manly men, farmers and tradesmen and then military chaps.

The first time that I stood at a military grave-side with a uniform and rifle, wooden soldier ya know, ... And you see the mother, the sisters, the widow, melt and crumble. My eyes leaked though I stood tall.

And then the first (of too many) road-side accidents that I have helped with. Some alive for a long time, some only there, some gone before I arrived.

Tears and unleasing of inner anguish are not a weakness, it is a relief valve that nature built in to us. If you do not allow it to function, just as not using the 'relief' on a steam system, ... Something is going to blow one day. It may be minor, it may be catastrophic, but blow it will



Sorry, didn't mean to ramble ...





*being far too manly to 'slink'