h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*doesn't wear a wrist watch, as that could prove a bit of a problem when he transforms*

*admires the neck line of Robyn*

*A larger lady of indeterminate age enters. She has lots of blonde hair piled high - very high - on her head. Her dress is bright green and made voluminous by many petticoats, each with a different coloured hem. She is carrying a large washing basket containing what at first looks like yards of brightly coloured cloth.*

Hello! Is this where everyone is? I thought you were hiding from me. Phew! I must just sit down for a minute.

*She sits on a small chair and tips back, showing all the petticoats. The basket falls on the floor and several pairs of very large bloomers fall out*

Oh dear! I've dropped me knickers!

Oh do let me help you with your basket.

*keeping an eye open for any fine silk lingerie*

I knew I shouldn't have posted before my third !



*goes to sit with B4*

Ah parbleu - I was looking forward to getting to know Mademoiselle!

*turns to the other lady*

May I assist you, Madame?

[Front]: Some of our fellow artistes seem to have very ill-fitting costumes.

[Back]: We should talk. I've just heard someone in the audience refer to us as a horse.

Five minutes, people.

Ok, is everyone ready? Is the cow ready to go with the first number?

There will be a new stage thread shortly. We'll keep using this one as a backstage thread. For stuff you say in the wings you can either say it here or in the Stage thread.

Break a leg!

*has a sudden attack of stage fright*

*runs around in little circles*

quack-ack-ack

You'll be fine. Just catch onto the cat's tail and dance around with the others. And try to smile .

*comes running in, very wearing a garment that could barely described as a frock in spite of its modesty as it is so tattered and torn it is little more than rags*

Am I too late? My Step Mother made sweep the floor four times before she was satisfied and then I had to wash all the windows.

Oh please say I'm not too late?

*straightens up*

*twirls his moustache*

Ah - mademoiselle! Might I have this dance?

*offers Cinders his arm*

Don't forget that the panto has started! Come and join the opening march. http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F107682?thread=233519&skip=0&show=20

I am fully aware of that!

But I don't intend to come walzing in on my own!

*wondering if he might assume that Cinders will accept*

*takes the Mysterious Stranger's arm*

I'm afraid I'm not terribly good at dancing, my broom is normally my dance partner.

My step sisters go to all sorts of fancy occasions, but I stay at home tending the hearth.

Merde, I must be out of practise - my gaze ought to have mesmerized her.. tant pis *shrugs*

*Striding off stage and waving, as soon as the sudience can't see, Pansy removes her hair which, surprisingly, turns out to have been a wig. She picks up a placed on a shelf beforehand and downs it in one. In a not particularly quiet stage whisper she begins to mutter to herself whilst changing her costume.*

I'm going to need a few more of those if I'm to last the evening. Amateurs, all of them.

*Removes the dress and petticoats outfit which is held on by a large strip of velcro at the back. She hangs the costume up on a rail full of large, extraordinary costumes.*

I only agreed to do this as a personal favour. No wonder he seemed so desparate. I'm the only one who could save it, he said. *sigh* At least someone recognises talent when they see it. I'm not sure anyone else does.

*Removes the bloomers*

I've worked with the best you know. I don't have to do panto. I'm classically trained. I've done Bill the Bard. One critic said my Corialanus was the finest he'd seen.

*Looks in a mirror and applies red rouge spots to her cheeks, then bright green eyeshadow right up to the brows.*

I'm sure some of them out there *gestures to the stage* haven't even bothered to learn their cues. I shall have to carry them through it, I know I shall.

*Make up completed, Pansy puts on green tights with stripy leg warmers, blue bloomers with frilled edging and a large hooped dress with yellow and pink vertical candy striping. On her head she carfully places matching pink hair with a yellow bonnet.*

And who forgot to put the padding under the mat, that's what I would like to know. I can't check everything! If there's bruising tomorrow I shall sue.

*She stands in the wings watching the on stage actions and shaking her head.*

And another thing! They can't even afford an orchestra. Just a sound effects machine. I'm sure the audience aren't fooled for one minute. *sigh*

*the dwarves decide to start some sort of story and organise everyone*

*five of the dwarves line up at then front of the stage and the other goes and gets *

Hallo Everybody *they all shout*

*the audience replies: Hallo Dwarves. hopefully*

Welcome to the Mother of All Gooses. We hope to lead you on an entirely wild and wondrous goose chase. The search for the goose magical eggs. Will you help us answer the riddles?

Damn! This should be going on on stage.

Sorry