h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do not post here unless you intend to participate directly in the pantomime using a character invented especially for the occasion!

Please identify yourself and what you're about.

Three gray mice file in, all wearing sunglasses and tapping about with long white canes. The first one halts and the other three bump into him, then back off and adjust their fedoras*

1: We're here to join the pantomime.
2: All three of us.
1: I hope there won't be any difficulties about our being visually challenged.
3: They want to know whether we're heroes or villains.
2: Victims! We're victims of circumstance!
1: Shush! Erm, we don't want any trouble. Supporting role is all we need, yer basic wage, keep us in cheese. That puts us on the good side, don't it?

2: Is that it then? We're in the cast now?
3: Thank you kindly.
1: Thank you kindly.
2: Thank you kindly.

*the mice mill about for a moment, then get their bearings by sniffing the air, and tap their way out of the casting office and into the pantomime*

[Purr in Boots]

A very large (one might say ‘man-sized’) feline (cat to some, puss to others) saunters onto the backstage area, looking to see if the Stage Manager and the rest of the Cast have taken their places. He is black of fur except for the slight silver of his mane and a small diamond-shaped patch of fur exposed by the open collar of his deep blue jerkin. He’s sporting a leather cap plumed by a bright red feather, carries a black walking cane with a silver wolf’s head knob, and wears leather buskin boots that are turned over at the thigh, just above the knees of his forest green breetches.

He seems to be a Good fellow of sorts, as he tips his cap with a courtly flourish to the Three Blind Mice. Noticing their inattention to his gesture, he stands erect once more, smiling in an enigmatic way, perhaps considering the possibility of a pre-Panto morsel. Evidently he thinks better of such boorish manners upon first introduction, clears his throat, and voices his salutation to the Mice.

“Good evening, Dearr Mice, maiy fellow patrronss of the Arrts! Am Ai correct in prresuming that we will join togetherr in thiss ffine prroduction, here beforre the footlightss and the applausse of the crrowd? Prrrr…?”

[/Purr in Boots]

*Buttercup the Pantomime Cow struggles through the door*

[Back] Where are we?
[Front] The Stage Manager's Office.
[Back] Oh. The Big Cheese, eh?
[Front] Be quiet and let me negotiate.

[Front] We are Buttercup, the Pantomime Cow.
[Back] The cream of our profession.
[Front] Be quiet! Ahem. As you can see, we are a Friesian.
[Back] I told you to wear a thicker jumper.
[Front] Please excuse my colleague. She milks situations for comedic effect.
[Back] Ooh, very good. Pull the udder one.

*Back does a little jig to pass the time*

*enters*

Slim, tall and blonde,
Of gold and glitter she is fond.

A black mask disguises her face,
A black beret keeps her hair in place.

Wearing a black and white hooped sweater,
This girl hankers after a life much better.

Leggings also of black, soft shoes for stealth,
Aid her in her search for wealth.

Over her shoulder is a sack marked "SWAG"
It is an infinite capacity bag.

Does her thief's guise hide a heart of gold?
You shall have to see how the Panto unfolds.

*A rather confused dog walks in and glances quickly around the room. He glares at the rather large feline and looks about rather sheepishly for Mother Goose. He forlornly stands about with his head down*

*otund egg with legs, arms, a hat, and pants held up by suspenders waddles in.*

Right-o! Let's get cracking! Break a leg and all that.

*Picks up a loose "A r" and tries to put it back on the first posting.*

Drats.

A 2 and 1/2 foot tall werewolf strides in. Her long blue dress reaches the floor, but her huge fuzzy and clawed feet stick out under the hem, as does the tip of her tail. She wears a cozy red cardigan and a matching hair bow (which is a tad oversized, being almost as big as her head). She is covered with timber wolf grey fur; it's very soft but you should probably resist the temptation to pet her. Her most noteable features are her eyes, which are huge and round.

Hello. My name is Thistle Howl. I'd like to be in your pantomime, but I really hope you won't type cast me as one of the bad guys. Oh, and I really like cats, so that won't be a problem.

*in unison*

We are the seven dwarves. You may know us but you may not as we are known to none but none knows not our story.

The forest's getting a bit boring so we're here for some fun and adventure! And perhaps being evil for once could be fun. Grumpy here can do a real good evil cackle.

*walks backstage among the cast members, and sees that not all actors are yet present*

Curtains up on Sunday 29th. There will be a new thread for the performance itself. Dwarves, no whistling backstage!

I'll give you a warning again before the performance begins.

*returns to his office and his bar fire*

*waits until the stage manager is out of earshot*

[Back]: Gorgonzola! We've only got until Sunday to rehearse?
[Front]: Mind your language! Have you finished writing the song?
[Back]: I'll whip something up this afternoon.But we'd better practise dancing the dolcelatte first 'cos you stink at it.
[Front]: Charmed, I'm sure. Let's find our dressing room.

*they amble off*

Quack!

*tapping their way as they inspect the wings and backstage area*

1: That was a very strange quack.
2: Not quack-like at all.
3: I wonder if any one has seen the farmer's wife.

*all three shudder and pull their fedoras lower*

*arrives, licking grey and brown icing from her claws and wiskers*

Is there anything we have to go over before curtain? I haven't gotten any pages, I kinda figured I'd get some pages. Did anyone else get their pages? You haven't gone to rewrite for my part have you? Oh, don't make me a bad guy, you want to make me a bad guy, don't you? I don't wanna be the bad guy! Wahhhhh!

I'm sorry, am I talking too much? It's just that, well, you know I'm not afraid of nuthin', well, I'm a little nervous. I was only in one other play, I was going to be sugar plum in last year's Christmas pagent, but I was dismissed. I was chewing on the scenery. I really, really, really don't want to ruin this. I'll do a good job, I promise, if you let me be a good guy.

Not quack-like at all?

That's what the other ducklings said - they used to tease me for my funny accent!

*quietly cases the joint*

[Front]: *puts the phone down* Well, that's that.
[Back]: We're in a right stew now, aren't we?
[Front]: There aren't any jobs anywhere. We're going to have to put our hooves down with the stage manager.
[Back]: Steer me in the right direction.

*they amble back towards the satge manager's office*

*dramatic entrance*

I'd like to partake in this play - I guess I'll be one of the bad guys - I usually end up in that role somehow....

*takes a look around*

Ah - Mademoiselle! *approaches Robyn Banks and takes her hand, kisses it*

What beauty! What perfection! Eyes like stars!

*gazes deeply into her eyes*

*whilst the Mysterious Stranger gazes into her mesmerising eyes, she checks his wrist for a watch*

Pleased to meet you , Sir.