h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I tried to communicate with Suz via her TagBoard. It was not a productive exercise. She deleted all I had to say. Towards the end it was stuff that deserved to be deleted. I got both upset and frustrated and posted some thing that were “negative”.
I wasn’t surprised by her latest journal, mentioning that she had been talking to Scott. I’d been watching both their journals waiting for one to mention talking to the other. The fact she bewails sounding stupid when talks to him is typical Suz-indicator of infatuation. Even if you won’t admit it to her self yet, she is a developing a ‘thing’ for him.

Good for her, moving on. ‘Tis something I will now do myself. I am better off without someone that can go in the space of one night from saying things like “I love you… I love you in ways I can’t show or even understand… when I lye in bed and want to be safe I try and be in the future, laying in bed with you in your flat…” to acting like I don’t exist, and when I make my existence felt saying “leave me only. Rejoice”.

Everyone I know goes away in the end. I should never have let myself believe that anyone could love me never have allowed myself to count on being with someone to form my dreams. I have always been alone and I will die alone.

Good point: Move on. You don't need someone to swing your emotions, you are fully capable of swinging them yourself (if you don't mind me saying so)...

Bad point: Do not let yourself believe that you can't be loved, and that you will always be alone. That would be a self fulfilling prophecy, but it's not what you need. Let yourself be loved, and it will come.

"Love me the most when I deserve it the least" My favourite thought when I feel blue and blame myself for it all. It reminds me not to judge myself.


Milla

I don't mind.

Suz was the only only person whom I ever truely, deeply actually felt loved by, believed I was loved by.
I have managed I surface/superficial acceptance that someone believed themselves to love me. Or the like before.
In a way I convinced myself that the boy and girl that raped me loved me. I think I needed to live with/deal with it, I was only 6.

Suz was 'The One' the fact that *for me*, Suz may have decided that I was the one she was meant to be with, but as far as I am concerned she was 'The One' the only one that would or could have *ever* changed the fact that I am destined to be alone.

I can move on. I may even find someone else, but it will not be the 'Cosmic Conjunction'. I will not love her in the way that I loved Suz.

Sweet Stealth,
six years? My boy is six now. I am so so sorry. I cant begin to understand, but I believe that it must have changed things for you.

It was not your fault.

I still think you are not destined to be alone. I know that doesn't change your view of yourself, but I will repeat it anyway. And do not turn love away, it comes in many faces, each has something to teach you. Maybe in little pieces, it will help you love yourself?

Cosmic conjunction. I wish that for you, when you are ready for it.


Milla

Articulate, literate and academic but I suppose naïve. A part of me will always tell me that it was my fault, that I was evil and deserved it, that part me wanted it to happen and that I was asking for it. Another part just doesn't care anymore, it was just something that happened. Yes it affected who I became, but that it's happened now and nothing can change that. But I can work to change who I am.

Don't be sorry.

I will be alone.

Today I'm pretty much back to feeling "OMG, I love Suz so much!!! WHY DOES SHE HATE ME SO?!!"

Stealth... i don't know what to say or what the answers are to all of this. Except that some where out there are lots of people who hold you in very high estime (estimation??)so although you feel horrible, don't forget that Suz is just one person in billions. I know she's a special person, but such is life. You're better than all the pain your putting yourself through!

I believed that Suz was the one in billions that I was meant to be with.
I'm alone. I will remain alone. I am not worthy of esteem, I will always fall below peoples estimation of me.

"I will always fall below peoples estimation of me."

or do you fall below your estimation of yourself?

Both. If someone has positive estimations of what I can achieve then I will fail to meet them because I am a failure.

Stealth.

I am going to be naïve again, so you can take this to your CBT session and have a good laugh about it.

Here's what I think.

1) You have made the decision that you are "bad". This includes being a failure, being ugly, and all the other things you accuse yourself of.

2) Number 1 allows you to loathe yourself. You've had lots of practice, you're good at that.

3) Number 1 allows you to loathe other people, especially those who express care, interest and a liking towards you. Because if they care about someone "bad", they must by definition be stupid, blind or naïve. Which allows for despising them.

Now, use your logic, and assume that 1) was the wrong decision. I am not saying that all the bad things that happened to you didn't happen, but maybe they happened, not because you deserved them, not because by any 'magic thinking' you made them happen.
They just happened.

If 1) was wrong, then 2 and 3 probably will give you a bad conscience (excuse the spelling, English is not my first language). And that is hard to handle. But it doesn't mean you are bad, it means you are in fact good, reflecting. So don't allow self loathing for having bad conscience!

Off the soap box now.


Milla

"If someone has positive estimations of what I can achieve then I will fail to meet them because I am a failure."

how d'you work that one out?

does it work if this 'someone' has negative estimations (can i read that as 'expectations'?) of you? - do you fail to meet those too? or does it only work for the good things?

anyway, why should you care what 'someone' thinks? - get yourself better first, then worry about everyone else - start with yourself. the strength and validation you find within yourself will last a hellva lot longer than if you look to others for it.

i know its incredibly trite and incredibly easy to say, but you have to learn to like (love) yourself then 'someone' will like (love) you back ( bloody vicious circle. eh?!). why should anyone find anything in you to love, if you can't find it in yourself? where's our motivation?

for some of us, its a hard trick to lick, but we keep on trying.

as for suz (i thought you were a little cruel to her in your first post there) anyway ... "Suz was the only only person whom I ever truely, deeply actually felt loved by, believed I was loved by." nae offense, but didn't you say somthing similar about steph? ... i know that's part of your illness, you know that's part of your illness, use the help available and try and break the cycle.

take care, stealth and although you refuse to believe it, there are people out here that care about you.

"3) Number 1 allows you to loathe other people, especially those who express care, interest and a liking towards you. Because if they care about someone "bad", they must by definition be stupid, blind or naïve. Which allows for despising them."

I do not loathe those who express care, interest a liking towards me simply because those are reason in themselves to do so. I don't consider those reason in themselve to do so as you imply I do. I don't consider people that care about me to be by definition stupid, blind or naive. And I do not despise them.

I find being told that I do offenisive.

"1) You have made the decision that you are "bad". This includes being a failure, being ugly, and all the other things you accuse yourself of."

You make it sound like I've made a lifestyle choice. 'O, I think I'll spend the next couple of decades thinking I'm bad, it'll be so much easier that way!'.
The deeply held, ingrained belief that I am bad comes first the decisions come later. I don't choose to hate myself I try not to.

how d'you work that one out?

Life experience.

anyway, why should you care what 'someone' thinks?

You can learn about yourself, by seeing yourself reflected in what certain other people think.

where's our motivation?

If I had no motivation everybody involved in my getting better would have gotten pretty fed up with me. My motivation has taken a knock, along with everything else, that is to be expected, I have lost Suz. Don't tell me I'm not trying. I am. I have to try harder, will always have to try harder.

"nae offense, but didn't you say somthing similar about steph?" Possibly, the operative word being *similar*, not that same, not ,eant the the same way, not something felt the same way.

"where's our motivation?

If I had no motivation everybody involved in my getting better would have gotten pretty fed up with me. My motivation has taken a knock, along with everything else, that is to be expected, I have lost Suz. Don't tell me I'm not trying. I am. I have to try harder, will always have to try harder."

you've misunderstood me there, stealth. i wasn't accusing you of not trying ("our (not yours) motivation). i was just pointing out that if you can't find something within you to like, how do you expect anyone else to?

no matter what i say, you're going to be a downer about yourself ... i don't think i'll be posting here again, but take care, stealth. i hope you find the strength to get well.

Bye.