h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh no, not again...
This is not fair...
How could you do this to me? Stop it please!
If you'd cared at all you'd not ask this of me.
Why? Why do you expect me to stand on my own?
To think for myself and not be told?
Stop. Stop now!
To know what I want, and just be myself?
You're so cruel to me.
Just tell me, tell me now... oh please!
If you loved me you say...
What to think and to feel.
Help me, help me now and tell me who I am
...and what I want to do.
Stop it, you're hurting me.
I begging you please.

I wish I could help.



...and am telling myself sternly that it's not my fault... Is it?

I'm sorry.
No, it's not your fault at all. It wasn't a proper journal. I didn't mean to confuse or upset.

Azathoth.

Love you my friend.

I thought as much, but currently a little paranoid about things

Here is some, temporary pleasure, but every little helps!

zdt

So somewhere I learned never to trust my own judgement, became full of self doubt and second guesses. I learned I couldn't trust anyone at all not to hurt me and pushed away the ones I wanted to be closest to and now I'm a mess that can't think for himself and and can't let go of what must be let go of. I have door with a hole in it, an arm with several holes in it and kitchen floor dripped with blood that I'm gonna have to clean up...
If I really want to change then why after so long am I no different?
I think maybe I had given up and just hadn't told myself about...
Part of me want to finish things now.
I don't have the Tool to look forward to and it's because I wasn't willing to ask for help sooner and didn't have the appropraite sense of urgency given the size of the venue. I was lucky to have heard about it when I did and should have moved more quickly.
I'm f...... ing joke.
I long time ago I decided I was stupid so I stopped doing things that I considered to be pretending to be intelligent like reading all those books and keeping up with what was happening in science., engaging in debate on hear, thinking about entries I could write. I stopped feeding my f.... king mind and now I'm more retarded thabn ever...
I decided I was undesrable and unlovable and dispicbale and gave up on tha too with consequences...

I'm my own enemy and even with all the support I have had I've still kept on destroying myself.
It doesn't matter what abuses I've from the outside or when, it's my own fundermental faultlines that do this and ...

And the guilt from having failed t oovercome them before, and the knowledge that I have repeatedly walked into the soame hole over and over is driving me to to want to walk away ato give up and put and end to it the wrong way, by killing myself in stead of standing up to it..

Sorry.

Have you any contact with your cbt therapist at all?

Hi, Petal.

Whenever an only-human moment occurs which leads to your losing out on something that had given you pleasure, you get very angry and disappointed in yourself and you act accordingly. This is perfectly fine. It is okay to be angry at infuriating events. It is okay to be angry at yourself, and, as you've seen before, the anger passes.

When you look at what you have done to yourself at these times, you see it as a failure to change. Much as I admire CBT, I do not think it has all the answers, and I'm somewhat leery of its basic premise that a personality can be moulded by adjusting behaviour. Yes, with some things it works extremely well; but the human mind is not governed simply by that; there are many other influences on it, inside the body and out. I wonder, is it right to try to transform someone's essential nature? I know your condition sometimes leads to immense unhappiness and you would love to be free of it--but your struggles to change also appear to be causing you great distress.

Obviously, I know nada about bipolarism; but I have seen that those in my writing group who seem to cope the best are the ones who embrace their ups and accept (sit out) their downs. Often you seem to drip-feed yourself small pleasures to get you through the self-destructive times, and this seems to me a very healthy way of dealing with your distress without putting pressure on yourself to snap out of it too soon.

In short, I think you do a kick-ass job of dealing with your very difficult problems.