h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Monday on the train home in the evening I was was thinking about these lyrics http://toolshed.down.net/lyrics/aenimalyrics.php#05
I thought that I could feeling it now, 'Feel the outside turning in'.
I thought that I had a 'Cleansing I've endured within'.
That I have made the choice '...to live and to lie, kill and give and to die, learn and love...'.
And to 'Do what it takes to step through'. Step through my 'shadow' that stalks me and whispers poison in my ear. To soften and shed old armour, old ways ways of thinking, behaving and treating myself that may or may not have serve to protect me once but now drag me down deeper in quicksand.
I was thinking that though the process is unfinished and that there is hard work ahead, that I could really feel and change coming about in me.

Tuesday eveningI was on my living room floor crying and wanting to scream and hurt myself again, I feel the sensation in my arms that cry out 'Blood!,' and then I was laughing manic, mocking laughter at this pathetic mess I am.
Wednesday I spent nearly the entire CBT session in tears, something I've not done in a while.
And there have been days recently where I have taken back to smoking.

That sounds all rather positive. Including the crying.

Really?

Yes. As I understand it, these feelings of yours come in waves or cycles. So you hit a down-turn that Tuesday. Something that's very difficult to do when one's depressed is to remember the good things, or any positive progress, but somehow you're managing to remember it.

You said: "I was thinking that though the process is unfinished and that there is hard work ahead, that I could really feel and change coming about in me."

So you know there are still things ahead that will be difficult. And then you said: "Tuesday evening I was on my living room floor crying and wanting to scream and hurt myself again, I feel the sensation in my arms that cry out 'Blood!,' and then I was laughing manic, mocking laughter at this pathetic mess I am."

I dunno, it seems to me that crying is good for catharsis, and laughing at yourself rather than cutting yourself is a big step forward. I do appreciate that it's a big mood swing and that you'd much rather have less extreme reactions to things; but bearing in mind that you DO have extreme emotions, I think your responses are healthy ones.

No?

I'm with Snailie! Progress, and that is hard! Status quo is the easy way out, this will do you good in the end. I'm thinking of you though!

Perhaps.
Sometimes, I think all that keeps me going is delusion and self-deception and that really I'm just losing more and more of my mind.

I don't have the impression, you're working hard, and ypou're making progress.

Sometimes, I think all that keeps everyone going is delusion and self-deception... What was that quote? "We're all alone in this together."

I think, other people just call it 'hope'. There's nothing wrong with that, it keeps people going.

Yes, I think it fair to say in my mind any hope translates as 'lie'.

All alone in this together, it rings true.

I just want to I empathise with the mood swings - it's what I get if I have been too involved in a relationship (or even just some interest, football match, whatever) - and I found Deepak Chopra's book Seven spiritual laws of success helpful. I also ahve quite a few books on people's experiencing angels... even if that angel doesn't have feather or a golden halo. I think I've been lucky enough to have quite a few in my life, but had to be open to new wyas of thinking or feeling in some way. The book `Living with Joy' helped.

I think it's good that you talk so openly about wanting to self-harm. I have been using different kinds of Emotional freedom Technique and self-hypnosis for quite a few years now. They help if I can't cry or laugh or just feel heard.

and

G

Hi.
I'm glad you've found something that works for you. I googled for 'seven spiritual laws' the concept aren't so very different from the ones I'm trying to work with.

I can name five angels. Stephanie, Milla, Snailrind, Tim and Loz.

I'm an atheist/anti-theist but I don't believe that the absence of s excludes personal spirituality.
I only had a quick glance at the 'EFT', 'm not a little skeptical about their 'channeling of energies' claims etc, though I'm sure it's a behaviour pattern that could give a person a sense of control.

I do't think EFT is about control - all the systems that use acupressure points seem to me to be about balance. I also think left-right eye movement can help that (as in classic hypnosis).
I think that finding your own rhythm is most helpful.

Needless to say, things such as music, people, and technology change you natural rhythm.
I write and compose a bit, and that's main my way of expressing myself, if the tv or outside environment is either unfriendly or monotonous. I keep going back to the Pink Floyd song `Wish you were here', because it seems like a version of `the other man's grass is always greener'. It makes sense to me.

I can't sleep much at the moment. I have pulled away from a relationship, moved out of my house, and am spending a lot of time writing. It seems to suit me at the moment. As long as I'm not harming anyone else, it's strikes me as a sensible thing to do.

Failing that, read the Bible - some wisdom in there.

goldie {}

"I can name five angels. Stephanie, Milla, Snailrind, Tim and Loz."

AWW! I love you too.