h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I feel reluctant to sleep because recently I've been dreaming [intense dreams] about Suz.
The way it bothers me kinda crystalises how stagnated my life is.

I'm not really depressed nymore. I just hate myself but am unwilling to put the effort in to change myself in something I don't loathe. Partly because I don't believe it's possible to make the changes deep enough and maybe partly because I hate myself to the point where I don't want to change, I think there is part of me that is served by my self-hatred, that doesn't think I deserve to be released from it. And partly because I am too lazy to change because it would never end, never be complete, would always be a work in progress. Better to sit and gather dust and decay and wait for someone to come along who could open up my skull and rewire me.

I stopped wanting Suz, I stopped needing her, let go of the memories - everything but the pain [all the judgements and gaping emptyness] which I locked away in room and tried to forget where the key to was but I don't think I stopped needing the pain and now with the dreams my subconcious has provided me with a backdoor back into the room of pain that somepart of me - the self-hatred - still needed. The self-hatred needs it to punish and define me wish.

Haven't taken any meds for couple of days. Went a bit funny again earlier - used a knife to write "I hate you" on my arm. Not deep or bloody or anything physicaly disturbing. I'm really sleep deprived.


Anyway look at these funnies: http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html

There was pretty kitty
She was very fluffy
Her name was Skopje
And at night she'd eat the tongues of old ladies.

Sweet thing, i'm not so sure stopping the medication cold turkey is good for you.

I can't see why you should deserve to hate yourself - if you had been evil, OK, but being lonely, sad, empty, that is no reason for hate.

Next time, carve "I Love me" into your arm (On second thought, don't use a knife or anything sharp. Use a pink marker pen.)

I know it feels like a lie, but hey, maybe it comes true?

Try writing in lipstick instead of with a knife, it could be just as effective.

It's not good for my mood perhaps to not take my meds but it does serve to remind how I really feel without something there to numb thngs out. Not that I was purposeful of mind in my not taking them. I was just on decent and pill taking went by undone.

If you didn't know what you were looking for you'd nolonger be able to make out the mirror lettering on my arm.

I've killed none but have sorely failed and hurt them. That is evil enough done.

Thanks both.

But you didn't set out to fail and to hurt, did you? It sounds like you tried your best, and that is not evil. No-one is expected to be superhuman and always succeed - trying your best is what matters.