h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can't really say what I wanna say directly so prepare to endure more verse-shaped shite.

And I ignore this smoke
And smile
Aspiring catatonic
Nothing
Behind these green eyes
But a mile-wide
Needy hole

And I just
Don't want to
Be...
This bloody mess
Broken down
Afraid and paralysed
Just a needy hole

And I lie
Lie
That I'm dead inside
Play the vampire
Can't face this
Can't fill this
F**king needy hole

I'm still here. What can I do for you?

It's my problem. I need to sort it out and I need to work harder at it and work with my "care team".

Pluggin' for ya.

Christ, it's even worse than I first thought.

I'm dead as dead can be, the ghost of someone I never knew, a vampire, the walking dead... because somwhere along the path of this life strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd, I learned to be that way, the bullying, the abuse, the dysfuntional home, I grew into something needy, something to whom being needy was the worst thing I could possibly be, so I covered over the needy hole inside me as best I could, denied all feeling for fea of being swollowed up by hole in me that couldn't/can't be filled.

I don't have friends because I'm too scared to. People can post all the smileys at that they want to, I won't feel anything. If I'm upset and they post them, I'll just get angry that they dare to pretend that they could ever care about the way that the needyness makes me desire to be cared about.
I know that nobody will ever stay. Because I won't let anybody close enough to me to hurt me. I will hurt them to make them go away on my terms, or I'll try to control them. If anyone gets past that, and only one person has, because I want them to, then my needyness will brake them.

Since you have feelings, you are not dead or a vampire, even though you cover your feelings up.

Denying (sp?) your need doesn't mean it goes away, of course you know that, and *it's OK to need*. We all need. I do too, can you believe that? And indeed it does feel like a hole, and the bigger the hole, the less I can ask for help to fill it.

I don't have many close friends. The ones that are almost close, I know will diffuse away in time. I have no friends since childhood or university. I do have a husband, and mostly we are OK, sometimes we are really close, but other times, I feel like a low life compared to him, and can't ask for his love - just when I need it the most and feel I deserve it the least. It is draining at times. He is very intelligent and has very high demands on himself, and I just can't compete with that.

I don't pretend that we are close friends, you and I. Probably all we can be to eachother are friends, friendly to eachother, trying to support one another - you certainly cheer me up when I have rough times, and I appreciate that. I wish to cheer you up, if you choose to be cheered...

In a way I keep my distance to you. I regret that, but I am also afraid that you should hurt me, because you keep saying you eventually hurt everyone. But somehow, I can't see you hurting me - I percieve you as someone who hurts inside, but not one that is out to hurt others. Or perhaps, it's just because we are not close that you haven't chosen to try to hurt me. And I will continue to post when I choose to. You may choose to believe or reject them - it's up to you.

How can I reduce your neediness? In what way can I help you? Will you accept my offer to help, even though I accept that you may turn away?

everyone feels like this sometimes. everybody hurts and everyone has suffered or been lonely at some time, so although you may not want the they are genuine.
and another
I am going through a low point of my life at the moment but it doesn't mean I can't feel for you or empathise. The thing about human beings is that their human nature means they let you down sometimes. We are all frail underneath and even the strongest of us breaks sometimes. I suffered a dysfunctional childhood and was in my thirties before I learned to deal with it. Don't give up on finding a true friend(s) yet.You have people on hootoo who care enough to be concerned and that is a start

I'm fond of you, Azathoth, but you're right: I totally cannot be relied upon. When I make friends, I try to make this clear.

I think that having unfulfilled expectations is the real killer. I remember being struck by a passage in The Lord of the Flies, towards the end, where the boys have come to accept their new roles as castaways--and then they spot a ship. Suddenly, they're all like young boys again, and they joyously run to light their beacon and summon the ship to the island... and the ship carries on by, and passes over the horizon. The despair of that moment is palpable, and intense.

So if you let your friends know, as you have done, that we are not to expect too much of you, then we're not likely to be disappointed or hurt. I apply this to myself, too, in order to avoid disappointment in myself. Not that it always works...

After my last teaching session, I was walking to the train station feeling like a really crappy person, so I pretended you were walking along next to me, feeling equally crappy. There's something to be said for fellow feeling.