h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay, I said I'd do it, I finally got some time to do it, so I did it. I've gone through Dave's enhanced liff list and plucked out the new and updated ones. Apart from a few quotation marks, apostrophes, and other matters of punctuation I've altered so they don't come out as the type of gibberish seen in one of my earlier posts, the actual content of the work remains unedited. (Except for where I corrected the spelling of "Jodhpurs" in the definition for "Woodhey." Okay, so I'm obsessive-compulsive when it comes to spelling and punctuation. Sorry.) Anywho, yer 'tiz:

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Aberlemno (n.) The little shelf on a Wimbledon umpire's stepladder used for holding soft drinks.

Abernant (vb.) Absolutely refusing to admit that it was you who was seen on holiday in Rhyl.

Abertillery (n.) Highly unsuccessful medieval Welsh military machines which fired high-velocity leeks and entirely failed to bring down the walls of Caernarfon castle.

Acharacle (n.) The sound of someone having a really good scratch.

Acton Trussel (n. archaic) A close friend to whom a knight bound for the Crusades would entrust the keys to his wife's chastity belt. A large percentage of the British population are thought to be direct descendents of Acton Trussels.

Adversane (adj.) Resistant to advertising. (See also; Radnage)

Affleck (vb.) To pebbledash someone's best suit by talking at them with a mouthfull of crisps. Unlike Satterthwaite (see Liff), Afflecking is a deliberate act done for humorous effect.

Ainstable (n.) A type of Quantum Oscillator which will only oscillate if there is nobody there to notice it.

Alton Priors (n.) The impossibility of folding a road-map back into the configuration it was in when you bought it.

Ampfield (n.) At a rock concert, the percentage of the venue occupied by the PA-system, amplifiers and speaker stacks.

Ampney Crucis (n.) The critical point at which the size of the Ampfield (qv) starts to look silly, for example when there is no room left for the actual audience.

Ampton (n.) A power-mad lead guitarist (i.e. any lead guitarist).

Ancrum (n.) Any small object from around the house tied to a child's helium balloon to stop it from drifting off.

Angmering (vb.) Threatening to complain about the TV programme you are watching but with no intention of actually doing anything.

Asknish (vb.) In a state of nervous indecision as to whether you should ask a question that you may not like the answer to, or remain forever in happy ignorance. e.g. "Can I have a rise?" or "So what do you think of this draft of my new novel?" or "How was it for you?"

Audlem (n.) The deafening chaos into which bands descend during practice sessions as each musician gradually turns up their own volume to drown out the others.

Audley End (n.) The self-limiting point of Audlem (qv), whereby after many rounds of volume-incrementing the power amps are clipping, the circuit boards are approaching meltdown, but at least some sort of enforced balance is attained.

--------- B ---------

Bacup (vb.) A computer hiccup during which all existing copies of a vital file are simultaneously trashed by a freak mains-spike.

Barcombe Cross (n.) The principal stroke used in creating a Scaptoft (see Liff) hairstyle.

Beddgellert (vb.) One who actually looks forward to having the 'flu, as being confined to bed is the only way they can get a bit of peace and quiet and catch up with all the reading that they've been meaning to do for ages but could never find the time.

Bidston (n.) Someone with an unmissable facial tic who insists on their right to attend auctions, thereby causing alarming escalation of the prices.

Blubberhouses (n.) 99.999% of the households in Britain immediately after the draw for the National Lottery.

Bobbington (n.) The lone idiot at every rock concert who can be seen leaping up and down completely out of time with the music.

Bogue (n.) The art of remaining cool and fashionable whilst on the toilet.

Boswinger (n.) One prone to involuntary nocturnal limb thrashing.

Bowerchalke (n.) A reserve cache of chalk kept by teacher's for throwing at aberrant pupils.

Braeface (n.) An expressionless expression worn to hide the fact that you loathe and detest the person you're talking to.

Braegrum (n.) The true expression hiding beneath the Braeface (q.v.) which may briefly reassert itself whenever the offending person looks away.

Branksome (adj.) Pug-ugly but considered highly attractive by dint of rank, power or bank balance.

Brasted (vb.) Shot by Elmer Fudd.

--------- C ---------

Cabbage Hall (n.) A special room at English boarding-schools set aside for the punishment of aberrant pupils by the force-feeding of steamed cabbage for periods lasting anything up to a week. Now outlawed under the European Parliament's bill of human rights.

Calderstones (pl.n.) Irritating bits of gravel that get into your shoes and force you to hop about on one leg to remove the shoe and shake them out. This is a complete waste of time, since they will by now have worked their way inside your socks and between your toes.

Caputh (vb.) Broken, but in such a manner as could go unnoticed for years, e.g. the F-11 key on a PC keyboard, top D-sharp on a piano, etc.

Carlops (n.) A vehicle approaching in the darkness which appears to be a motorcycle but which turns out to be a car or lorry with a missing headlamp. The odds are 50/50 for guessing the correct side on which to pass it.

Carlton Scroop (n.) A makeshift windscreen ice-scraper (often a plastic bank card)

Catcott Burtle (n.) The sound of a feline in digestive difficulties (see also; Duddlestone)

Chinley (adj.) The art of using the lower-jaw as a third hand when folding newly ironed clothes or freshly laundered sheets. A prehensile chin.

Clevancy (n.) The ability (some might say a gift) to see clearly that at least 99% of "the paranormal" is complete bunk.

Clovulin (n.) A protein extracted from four-leaf-clovers and sold as "concentrated luck" to those who lack Clevancy (qv)

Cottered (vb.) Whacked over the head without warning by a rattle-wielding baby.

Crunwear (n.) A collection of comfortable old clothes kept specifically for doing D.I.Y. in. The more holes, burns, paint-splashes and solvent-smells the Crunwear accumulates the prouder of it will be the owner. Unfortunately, having reached this condition it is likely to be "accidentally" thrown in the bin by a disgusted partner.

Cullompton (n.) Someone who just cannot do anything quietly.

[Aside from Nigel: Blast it! He did Cullompton as well! And he had pretty much the same idea, too. Oh, well. Great minds, &c.... I will defer in this occasion, as he probably did the definition way before I did.]

Cylibebyll (n.) The barely audible purring of a perfectly-tuned internal combustion engine.

--------- D ---------

Debach (vb.) To disengage gracefully from a cello.

Dihewyd (adj.) Able to speak English but reverting to Welsh in the presence of tourists.

Drumwhirn (n.) Unnecessary stick-juggling at the end of a song by a rock percussionist.

Duddlestone (n.) A small rock or pebble placed in the garden by a child to mark the spot where the goldfish, budgie, etc, now rests in peace. The Duddlestone soon disappears when the cat comes along to disinter and eat the deceased (see also; Catcott Burtle)

Dunaverty (n.) Morbid fear of using Australian outside toilets (see also; Duncton)

Duncton (n.) Generic term for any of the lethally poisonous varieties of spider which habitually lurk under Australian toilet seats.

Dundonald (n.) A reckless Australian male who adopts a cavalier attitude to Dunctons (qv) in order to to gain machismo at the possible expense of losing his life.

Dunipace (n.) Measure of speed, being the maximum velocity attainable whilst running with trousers half way up the legs after spotting a Duncton in the Dunny.

Dunphial (n.) The extremely fragile test-tube or glass bottle used to contain a deadly apocalyptic virus in sci-fi films.

Dunrod (n.) A small stick kept in Australian outdoor toilets for whacking or dislodging Dunctons (qv)

Dunvegan (n.) A relapsed vegetarian.

Dyffryn Cellwen (n.) Someone who always knows someone else with a much better mobile phone than your's.

--------- E ---------

Edwyn Ralph (n.) Someone with a quite ordinary name who suddenly decides it would be cool to adopt an exotic spelling e.g. Joww Bhlogze, Deyv Rodjairz.

Elburton (n.) Painful dig in the ribs intended as a friendly adjunct to the climax of a joke.

Empshott (n.) The half-finished e-mail which hides among the finished ones in your Outbox and gets sent by mistake.

Ensay (vb.) To hastily write an apologetic e-mail to chase after the Empshott (qv) explaining that any insults were unintentional, that you really didn't meant it, it was just a joke, etc, etc.

Ensis (n.) The state of frozen helplessness as you watch the Empshott (qv) whizz off into cyberspace, knowing that nothing you do can now prevent it from reaching its destination.

--------- F ---------

Falls of Blarghour (n.) Date of the end of the Party Political conference season in Blackpool.

Felindre (n.) A post-Mogerhanger (qv) cat, trapped inside the bin but rather enjoying it while the food-scraps last out.

Felixstowe (n.) A cat which has the knack of always being in the right place to be trodden on or tripped over.

Fionnphort (n.) An entirely inoffensive ladylike breaking of wind.

Flecknoe (n.) The art of disposing of bits of Skegness (see Liff) by flicking them across the room, under chairs, etc, when no one is looking.

Fogo (n.) see Nebo.

Frosterley (vb.) Feeling not ungrateful that Winter has arrived because you can slouch about indoors doing next to nothing for a few months without feeling too guilty about it.

Fynnongroew (n.) Fertiliser for Astroturf. Plantfood for plastic flowers. A generic term for a completely unnecessary commercial product.

--------- G ---------

Garbity (n.) That which actually gets recorded as opposed to that which you intended to record when setting the video-timer.

Garmouth (vb.) To use as many words as possible whilst conveying the absolute minimum of information, to inflate sentences to ten times the necessary length, to insert meaningless waffle and cliched cool-talk ... y'know what I'm sayin', yo, check it out ... etc. Technically, anything with a signal-to-crap ratio of less than 10dD (deci-drivels).

Glapwell (vb.) To finely judge the angle of tilt when pouring a bottle of wine so as to elicit the most sumptuous sound effect. Some idea of the ideal sound to aim for can be obtained by repeating the word "glap" out loud to yourself at about 2.5 times per second.

Grimscote (n.) The patina, or crust, of deceased flying insects accumulated on the windscreens of high-speed trains.

Guelph (n.) Dehydrated bird-droppings on clothing.

Gumfreston (n.) A bedside-table false teeth holder, with or without integral clock and barometer.

--------- H ---------

Hacklinge (n.) The momentary twinge of guilt felt when installing pirated or cracked software.

Hackness (n.) The complete lack of concern or guilt once the software that caused the Hacklinge (qv) has been in use for about a week.

Haddo (n.) Verbal greeting by Bill or Ben the flowerpot men.

Halton (n.) A motorist who maintains a steady speed of 15 mph because he prides himself on being a safe driver but who leaves a trail of accidents in his wake due to frustrated drivers trying to overtake.

Hamstall Ridware (n.) Transparently untrue excuse given on the spur of the moment to deter door-to-door salespersons e.g. I really must go, I'm repotting a cactus.

Hanging Langford (n.) A hideous decoration that gets brought down from the attic every Christmas just in case the person who bought it for you happens to visit.

Harleyholm (n.) Valhalla for Hell's Angels and other species of bikers.

Havering-atte-Bower (vb.) Challenging the garden shed to a fight whilst in a state of advanced inebriation.

Havyat (vb.) A common sequel to Havering-atte-Bower (qv) involving a fencing-match with the trellis.

Haxted (vb.) At a rock concert, to be repeatedly elbowed in the ribs by the person next to you playing air-guitar. (Legend has it that an ac/dc fan was once Haxted to death.)

Henglers (n.) Many of those sitting on a canal bank dangling a line in the water are actually trying to catch fish, others are just there to get away from the wife. The latter are known as Henglers.

Hinton Blewett (vb.) To miss your chance by being so subtle for so long about something that the other person never even realises that you were after anything in the first place.

Hockering (n.) The period just before an opera or recital begins, during which the audience tries to get all the coughing, grunting and nose-blowing over and done with.

Hough Green (n.) That which sometimes comes up after an unsuccessful Thornton Hough (q.v.).

Hounslow (n.) In dog racing, the one that you chance all your remaining money on which then comes in last.

Hoylake (n.) A specially constructed pond at the back of Naval colleges, where trainees are sent to practise ship-to-ship shouting (a much sought after skill in the event of loss of radio contact at sea).

Huish (n.) In the mood to peruse paint-colour-charts and wallpaper patterns in a leisurely manner. This normally progresses quite rapidly to Huish Champflower (q.v.)

Huish Champflower (n.) A long drawn out war of attrition between man and wife when trying to agree on a paint colour or wallpaper pattern.

Huish Episcopi (n.) Sudden unexpected convergence of choice which mercifully brings to an end the Huish Champflower (q.v.)

--------- I/J ---------

Icklesham (n.) A tactic employed by human females when arguing with males, involving the affectation of a "baby-voice" in order to arouse a confusing array of primal instincts in the male.

Idvies (n.) Psychosomatically-induced itching and scratching whilst watching wildlife documentaries about insects. Idvies are becoming increasingly common as modern photographic techniques provide ever-more hideously enlarged images.

Ingst (n.) Acute anxiety upon noticing the long-expired "eat by" date on the packaging of the meal that you have just consumed.

Inverguseran (adj.) Resistant to changing one's accustomed brand or style of underpants.

Islivig (adj.) Unable or unwilling to kill slugs.

--------- K ---------

Keckwick (n.) The gentle art of "Keckwick" was developed by bored Edwardian ladies who decorated everything from teapots to entire rooms with nothing more than string. The only tools required are a pair of scissors, some string and a little varnish, with which you can transform any ordinary household object into exactly the same ordinary household object covered in string.

Killadysert (n.) The moment when a cinema audience realises that the alien/lunatic/monster that they had presumed dead, isn't, but is in fact about to get up and kill/squash/eat the victim.

Kinkell Bridge (n.) A point of chirality-reversal in a Stisted (qv) telephone lead, which can only be removed by painstakingly coaxing it along to one end.

Kinlet (n.) Allowing the offspring of visiting relatives to run riot in your house. This is normally followed, immediately they leave, by a condemnation of the lack of discipline from modern parents.

Kinsham (vb.) Pretending to enjoy the company of mad Uncles and dotty old Aunts in the hope of being included in their Will.

Kintra (n.) A silent prayer, or mantra, recited in the weeks prior to Christmas to ward off excess visiting relatives.

Kippax (n. Brand-name) Exploding correction fluid for really big mistakes.

Kirkbuddo (n.) Generic term for the expendable crew-member who accompanies the Captain of the Enterprise on away missions.

Kirkby Overblow (n.) Last-minute adjustments to Mr Shatner's wig.

Kirkdale (n.) A rest-home for the care and rehabilitation of old Star Trek fans. (Residents at Kirkdale are considered to be well on the road to recovery once they can grasp the basic concepts, if only haltingly at first, that Star Trek is not real, and that Billiam Shatner is just an actor and not a particularly good one at that.)

Knotty Ash (n.) The charred remains of an unbelievably important and irreplaceable document that you accidentally set on fire, which you are now trying to think of a way to reconstruct even though you know full well that combustion is generally a one-way process.

Kylestrome (n.) The flood of hormones unleashed in the pubescent human female which for the next ten years rules out any hope of logical communication with the male of the species.

--------- L ---------

Ladbroke (n.) Male equivalent of the Kylestrome (qv). Equally if not more debilitating.

Lelant (n.) A pose designed to appear casual yet defiant, e.g. of a teenager when refusing to bow to parental authority.

Lephin (adj.) Of intermediate stature between an Elf and a Leprechaun.

Libanus (n. Ancient Roman) The practice of mooning at the Forum.

Lower Whatley (n. Technical) In the programming language "C," a closing-bracket in a deeply-nested subroutine which appears to be unrelated to any particular opening-bracket, and which takes longer to debug than it took to write the whole bloody program in the first place.

Lugsdale (n.) A farming valley in Yorkshire famous for breeding sheep with unnecessarily large earlobes. Easy to spot, as they resemble small albino elephants.

--------- M ---------

Madron (n.) A hypothetical sub-quark-sized particle which is thought to be the absolutely fundamental constituent of all other particles and which obeys hardly any laws at all, thereby explaining quite a lot. The wave function of a Madron mostly evolves deterministically but suffers from occasional fits of vertigo due to excessive spin. As a particle, it obeys a Triple Uncertainty Principle, whereby you can know where it came from, where it is now, or where it is going, but never any two of these at the same time.

Maghull (n.) The gunge at the bottom of a fisherman's tackle box. Consisting typically of dead worms, maggott pupae and mouldy bits of sandwiches dampened with pond water. Many anglers consider it unlucky to ever clear this out, but curiously it eventually ceases to increase in volume, possibly due to the emergence of some sort of localised self-regulating ecosystem.

Mamble (n.) To converse with your dentist through a mouthfull of assorted dental equipment, cotton wadding, suction devices, etc.

Melling (vb.) A strange dance performed in A-level chemistry labs; The student will attempt to identify the gaseous product of a chemical reaction by gently wafting his hand across the top of the test-tube towards his nose, thereby hoping to catch the merest whiff. Despite this cautious approach, the student inhales a lungfull of noxious vapour, and is seen to exit the lab staggering and choking. Occasionally the performance will end with the student declaring "it smells like bitter-almonds," thereby correctly identifying the gas as Hydrogen Cyanide just before expiring.

Micklehead (vb.) Involuntary scalp-scratching that often accompanies Penketh (q.v.).

Mid Lavant (n.) The precise moment during a bath or shower when statistically the phone is most likely to ring, this being when the bather is entirely covered in soap.

Middle Chinnock (n.) A latent triple-chin.

Mill Craig (n.) An irresistable urge felt by watercolour artists to seek out weed-choked canals and derelict windmills.

Mogerhanger (n.) A cat that has just attempted to walk across a swing-lid bin. (see also; Felindre)

Monimail (n.) One of at least ten thousand identical letters sent out by Readers Digest which apparently means that that you, personally, have definitely, without a shadow of doubt, been personally selected to receive a special, personal, limited-edition prize, personally.

Moreton (vb.) Cringeingly afraid of tightening a new guitar string any further in case it snaps.

Murkle (vb.) To blob and bloop in the manner of boiling mud, molten lava or simmering porridge.

Murroes (n.) Tram-lines formed by dragging a fork across mashed potato.

--------- N ---------

Nebo (n.) One of two generic names used by graffitti writers when they can't remember their own. (see also; Fogo). Some inner-city areas appear, to the casual observer, to be inhabited solely by idiots with these names.

Nedging (vb.) Making short-range shuffling movements to close the gaps in a queue. The resulting physical compaction has no effect whatsoever on the actual waiting time, but anyone who forgets or refuses to Nedge will invariably receive very dark looks from the rest of the queue.

Nereabolls (n.) Pimples, blackheads or boils on the threshold of eruption.

Nether Stowey (n.) A spare hanky kept tucked into the underpants.

Nethercleuch (vb.) Of human males, to experience a queasy sympathetic reaction in the nether regions upon hearing the words "eunuch" or "castration."

Netherwitton (n.) The serial-heckler at the back of the audience who thinks he is more entertaining than the person onstage.

New Brighton (n.) A blatant geographical misnomer (the place in question is anything but New and hardly ever Bright).

Newton Poppleford (n.) A crackpot theorist who believes that he will overturn science and the laws of physics as we know them. Since the rise of the Internet, Newton Popplefords have received more public attention than real scientists.

Newton Purcell (n.) A subcutaneous cluster of cells, or "proto-zit," which waits beneath a Nereaboll (qv) to immediately start a new one.

Newton-le-Willows (n.) A little-known member of Robin Hood's band whose job it was to calculate the optimum height from which to drop out of the trees during an ambush. The formula used was; dPo/dPy = (d-(s+h/2)).G.T-2, Where Po,Py are the probabilities of knocking out your opponent or yourself, d,s,h are the heights of drop, sherriff's man and his horse, G is acceleration due to gravity, and T is the the Square Root of the tree.

Newtonloan (n.) A phenomenon similar to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle whereby cartoon characters can "borrow" negative gravitational energy just long enough to facilitate a scramble back onto whatever it is they fell off.

Newtown of Beltrees (n.) Any 1960's housing estate as it appears on the architects plans, with cute little graphics denoting trees, elegant plazas and happy strolling pedestrians on elevated walkways. This bears little or no resemblance to the grim inhuman concrete jungle that is actually built.

Norton Malreward (n.) Someone who revels in telling you that "only the good die young" or "no good deed goes unpunished" or "a good samaritan is just a good target." A believer in Reverse Karma.

--------- O ---------

Old Fletton (n.) Generic term for the remnants of old schoolroom projectiles (mostly chewed up balls of paper) festooning desks, ceilings, backs of teacher's heads, etc. English boarding-schools boast some of the finest patinas of Old Fletton in the world, having been accumulating it far longer than most.

Orrell (n.) A nasty after-taste caused by Penketh (q.v.) on a pencil with a cheap gritty rubber on the top.

--------- P ---------

Painters Forstal (n.) A short speech, or preamble, given by garage staff to those who have come to collect their car after re-spraying. Phrases such as "it may not be an EXACT colour match" are employed to prepare the customer for the shock.

Palnackie (n.) A drunk who drapes himself around your neck and won't let go until you have agreed with him at least seven times that he is your best mate (or vice versa).

Path of Condie (n.) A complex mathematical function describing the random-walk taken by a salt-shaker during a meal in a restaurant. It is one of the pivotal equations of Bistromathics. Also known as the Travelling Saltcellar Problem, it is only soluble in polynomial brine.

Pease Pottage (n.) A home-made meal of your grannie's devising which you have never tasted the like of since and have never been able to duplicate despite having all the necessary ingredients. The missing ingredient is in fact a set of youthful taste-buds unsullied by years of abuse with alcohol, tobacco or curries.

Peasley Cross (vb.) A diversionary tactic used on infants who refuse to eat their vegetables. Basically, it involves waving some interesting-looking object around to divert their attention long enough to ram a spoonfull of dinner into their open mouth.

Pebmarsh (n.) The area of floor within a 6 foot radius of a baby's feeding chair.

Penderyn (vb.) Wondering where the hell the pencil you had a second ago has got to. The quickest way to find it is to go and get another one, as this will immediately render the lost one visible again.

Perkins Village (n.) A "Psycho" theme park.

Peterstonsuper-ely (n.) Dismally unsuccesful British attempt at a computer game character to rival Sonic the Hedgehog.

Pillerton Priors (n.) The feeling that you're never going to be able to swallow the enormous tablets you've just been prescribed.

Pinwherry (n.) The nagging feeling that someone, somewhere, knows all of your Personal Identification Numbers and Internet Passwords and is not afraid to use them.

Plaish (n.) The sound of a wet fish being introduced to a hot frying pan.

Polgooth (n.) A Monty Python fan who can recite the Parrott Sketch verbatim.

Portwrinkle (n.) An affliction of seafarers after shore leave in the less salubrious parts of the world.

Posso (n.) Collective term for the crowd of drunks who form an appreciative audience around somebody even drunker. The most inebriated member of the Posso may in turn become the focus should the original become unconscious.

Presnerb (n.) A youth who cannot walk past a pedestrian-crossing without unnecessarily pressing the button.

Prudhoe (n.) An old or unserviceable rake, hoe or other handled implement retained by farmers for the purpose of poking dead sheep to see if they really are dead.

--------- R ---------

Radnage (n.) Psychological unit, being a measure of the wear-and-tear on one's sanity from Advertising. (See also; Adversane)

Rainhill Stoops (n.) A stereotype posture, shoulders hunched, collar up, head down, hands in pockets, adopted by actors when walking through deserted city streets at night, especially in the wind and rain. A master of this moody posture was Bumphrey Gocart, who was said to have spent up to 3 hours per day perfecting it, and to have been secretly flown to Wigan for two weeks every year to seek out exactly the right sort of dismal weather conditions to practise it in.

Raploch (n.) A condition afflicting certain musicians, whereby they are unable to escape from a tiny localised basin of attraction within the almost boundless landscapes of harmonic/melodic/rhythmic phase-space.

Rhandirmwyn (n.) An over-amorous sheep farmer.

Rhosybol (adj.) Descriptive of the impossibly vigorous, bushy and colourful appearance of plants and flowers in gardening catalogs.

Rudgeway (n.) A pathway eroded by people taking the shortest route across a park or grassy area instead of the slightly longer official one. Enlightened planners have now learned to defer the laying of paths until Rudgeways have formed naturally, as these can then be paved-over and adopted as the official routes.

Ruecastle (vb.) To feel rather sad when the tide obliterates your lovingly constructed sandcastle.

Rumbach (n.) A Welsh ballroom dance.

--------- S ---------

Sarclet (n.) A child in training to be an insulting and sarcastic adult.

Sawtry (n.) The 5 or 6 token strokes you make with a hand-saw before deciding to go and get the electric one.

Sedgeberrow (n.) A neighbour who neither owns nor intends to buy any gardening equipment because he has most of yours on permanent loan.

Shelfanger (n.) Supermarket Rage.

Shurlock Row (n.) A rigged police line-up in which the suspect sticks out like a sore thumb.

Shutlanger (n.) That part of a garage door designed to cause the most noise.

Slacks of Cairnbanno (n.) Male trousering so gaudy that even golf clubs won't allow them.

Smailholm (n.) A holiday postcard which takes longer to get back home than the sender.

Snig's End (n.) The moment when a suppressed guffaw can be contained no longer. (see also; Inverquharity)

South Creake (n.) A grinding or scraping noise in the lower-joints which tells you that you are getting far too old to be doing whatever it is you're doing.

Splottlands (n.) What's left of a forest after use as a paintball range.

Stisted (adj) Stretched, twisted, kinked and knotted in the manner of the average telephone-cord or hairdryer-lead, etc. Helical or coiled leads may also feature a Kinkell Bridge (qv)

Stoney Stanton (n.) Someone who refuses to join in the fun.

Stour Provost (n.) Someone who tries to get a Stoney Stanton (qv) to join in the fun.

Stow Bardolph (n.) Someone who tries to get a Stour Provost (qv) to give up trying to get a Stoney Stanton (qv) to join in the fun.

Strang (n.) The sound of an electric guitar falling over whilst still plugged in. (The actual chord produced by the open strings is Em7add2, or Em11no9, or G6/9, or A11no3rd. Such is the silliness of chord nomenclature).

Strathcoil (n.) The Holy Grail of talentless lead guitarists . . . a mythical replacement pickup which when fitted to your guitar will instantly make you sound like Hendrix, Clapton, etc.

Strathpeffer (vb.) To play about with the controls of an aircraft so as to leave rude morse-code messages in the contrail.

Stretton Grandison (n.) Characteristic stance adopted by members of Status Quo. Stretton Minor appears similar but involves more animation in the legs e.g. early John Lennon.

Strone (vb.) Completely exhausted after a long session of air guitar.

Strumpshaw (n.) A lead-guitarist who considers Chords (or anyone who plays them) as beneath his dignity.

Suishnish (adj.) In the mood to pull back curtains with a flourish.

Sumwick (n.) Someone for whom the weather can never be too hot.

Swefling (vb.) To rotate in pursuit of a second armhole when donning a coat, sweater or other sleeved garment. The human equivalent of a dog chasing it's own tail. Normally observed only in small children, drunks and Norman Wisdom.

Swyre (vb.) To narrowly avert swearing by hasty substitution of trailing syllables (e.g. oh shiiiiaaaame)

Sychtyn (vb.) Use of anti-synchronous body-language , for example deliberately walking out-of-step with someone you don't like.

--------- T ---------

Tadcaster (n.) The member of a TV news team who delivers the novelty item at the end, prefacing it with the words "and finally." Items considered suitable for Tadcasting are;- 1. celebrity gossip. 2. humorous incidents. 3. inconsequential trivia. 4. groundbreaking scientific discoveries and achievements.

Tangmere (n.) Collective term for the unorganised mass of cables festooning the average PC.

Theddingworth (n..) A D.I.Y. enthusiast who can produce the maximum amount of noise and vibration for the minimum number of jobs actually done. (May indicate the presence of a Low Eggborough (see Liff))

Thornton Hough (n.) A very gentle and cautious half-cough performed by a person with an extremely sore throat and/or masses of loose mucus.

Thurstaston (n.) A small card that police officers carry, on which are written unpronounceable tongue-twisters which they ask you to recite as a test for drunkenness (and also, one suspects, for their own personal amusement).

Timpanheck (vb.) To admit defeat after a long hard struggle with the video timer.

Timworth (n.) A child who condescendingly instructs parents on how to set the video timer.

Tranmere (n. collective) The stampede of people trying to get out of the cinema the instant the credits start to roll. (Not many people are aware of the small print on some cinema tickets which states "the management cannot be held legally responsible for injuries sustained to patrons during the Tranmere").

--------- U/V ---------

Up Sydling (vb.) Corrective sequential re-allocation of buttons on a garment being worn Cardurnock (qv) style.

Upper Godney (n.) The more persistent of the pair of Jehovah's Witnesses at your front door.

Upper Nobut (n.) The vacant top button-hole on a garment being worn Cardurnock (qv) style.

Vatten (vb.) To annihilate a fledgling business by application of tax.

--------- W ---------

Wadshelf (n.) External fleshy protrusion formed when your dentist rams you full of cotton wool. Some dentists make use of the Wadshelf as a temporary tool-rest.

Warbreck (n. archaic) Traditional Scottish method for initiating a pub-fight. The Warbreck, consisting of a long strip of tartan cloth, is laid on the floor in front of the intended opponent, who is then warned: "See that! Cross it and I'll kill ye!" (Nowadays of course this has all been simplified to the much more succinct "Did you spill my pint?")

Wargrave (adj.) Tone of voice deemed necessary when doing voice-overs for serious documentaries.

Warrington (n, collective.) A gang of hooligans that suddenly appears where seconds earlier there was a perfectly polite and orderly bus-queue, the transformation being triggered by the arrival of an actual bus.

Wavertree (vb.) Unable to decide whether to hang about for 1p change on a £9.99 item. To wait shows that you're a miser. To not wait seems impolite. A possible compromise is to run out shouting "You can keep the Kibblesworth," in the hope that those present may have read The Meaning of Liff.

Willaston (n.) Someone who only goes to the races in the hope of seeing a spectacular accident (at least half the punters on any given day will be Willastons).

Windermere (n.) An almost-invisible, porous, grommet-like device fitted to double-glazing units. It's function is to allow the window to steam-up and become useless about a week after the guarantee runs out, and to allow just enough oxygen in to facilitate the survival of Harbottles (see Liff)

Windle (vb.) The diminution of inadequately insulated male genitalia in very cold weather.

Windlehurst (n.) A thermal insert for the prevention of Windle-ing (q.v.). Not to be confused with a Glenwhilly (see Liff).

Windy Arbour (n.) A type of concrete-and-glass "shelter" found uniquely along the prom at British seaside resorts. They are apparently designed to make one feel even colder, wetter and more windblown than if one had stayed outside. Special architectural features include carefully-angled roof slats to focus the rain onto the occupants, neck-level draught-enhancers, ankle-level gust-gaps, and overhead struts from where the seagulls can get a good steady aim when crapping onto your sandwiches.

Winwick (n.) In monasteries, the start of the Smethwick (q.v.) season.

Wistanstow (vb.) A process which prevents lofts or attics from ever being cleared out. Items for sorting are unpacked, dusted off, fondly reminisced over, then shoved into a different corner of the loft for another 10 years.

Witherenden (n.) Feeling of panic upon noticing it's the last Viagra in the pack.

Wivelrod (n.) A tremolo arm for a trumpet.

Wolfclyde (n.) Honorary title given to the member of a gang of workmen who is posted as look-out for females to letch at.

Woodhey (adj.) The horsey-ness of words like "Gymkhana" and "Jodhpurs."

Woodplumpton (n.) Common name for a herb, extracts of which were once thought to have Viagra-like properties (Botanical name; Gladiolus Expandiferum)

Woolfardisworthy (n.) Old English by-law, stating that escaped sheep wandering three or more furlongs from home may be captured and sold back to the farmer at one third their market value in the next village in the direction they were last travelling.

--------- X/Y/Z ---------

Yetts O'Muckhart (n.archaic) Traditional street cry of the travelling manure salesman as he pushes his barrow, one hopes swiftly, by. The phrase may have evolved via increasingly slurred renditions of "loads of muck on the cart."

============================================================

*** NOTES *** The Ever-Expanding Meaning of LIFF ***

All the place names I've used are real, and up to now all are British, partly because I find British place names more humorous, but mostly because the only map books I own are the "A.A. Complete Atlas of Britain" and the "A-to-Z of Liverpool."

In the original Liff books, most of the definitions described objects or events in the real world, but there was also a sub-set of "archaic" definitions which were entirely fictitious, and this tendency often carries on when others such as myself make up definitions.

Thanks to Paul and Peter Kenny for the "Cardurnock" idea.

"Strumpshaw" was Wingpig's idea with my wording, and it also prompted me to do some of the musical ones.

The two definitions "Haxted" and "Henglers" are not true Liff-isms as they use Street names, not place names. However, with so many place names being already used up I think it's about time we started raiding streets, roads and avenues, etc.

A few of the Liff-isms in this collection were used several years ago in a fanzine called "Asparagus Mustard," published by Stuart Bruce and "Chog." I'm sure they won't mind them being included here. Most were written at various times since then.

IF I have accidentally duplicated any existing Liff-isms please let me know. For example I'm sure the ideas in "Empshott" and "Windermere" will have already been done by somebody somewhere, or maybe not.

Some of my personal favourites in the above collection are Ainstable, Audlem, Haverint atte Bower, Hinton Blewett, Trewoon.

The reason for using a particular place-name is sometimes blindingly obvious (as in "Ashcombe"), sometimes a bit less so (as in "Apperknowle" - which was suggestive of "apertures, a knowledge of"), and sometimes quite subtle, calling upon vague linguistic resonances and even vaguer associations between images and memories from disparate and dusty corners of the Collective Unconscious. Except, of course, that there is NO such thing as the Collective Unconscious ... or Synchronicity ... or Psychokinesis ... or Zeus ... or genuine crop circles ... or Feng Shui "energies" ... or spontaneous human combustion, etc, etc.

Dave Rogers, Walton, Liverpool.

Ho hum - I can see a busy afternoon ahead, then.

B

Good grief! What a lot of work you've saved me!! I was going to do the "plucking-out-the-new-ones" job next week (honest guv ... well, I intended to, but it was such a big job I kept putting it off). Hmmm ... now what shall I do with the time you've saved me?

You could organise a Youth Club trip to the local dairy to see how milk is produced and prepared for market. Or perhaps practice the Yanomamo nose flute. Failing that, you could always kick back and enjoy a nice big glass of beer or mead with some tasty, crunchy snacks.

Excellent suggestions all ... but I think I'll opt for number three, possibly replacing the suggested beer with a glass of Baileys.


Shock horror, I FOUND AN ERROR ... in the plucked-out definitions above, "SuMwick" should be "SuNwick". The error was in my original, but I just never noticed it before. Oh the shame.

It's a good job I'm as idle as you and haven't put it in yet, then.

B

And "lech" doesn't have a T in it, either. Must've missed that one.

Hi guys,

Sorry it's taken so long, but I am now in the process of updating the page (well, I've done A & B, leastways ). As you will notice, I've split the thing into (approximate) halves for easier management, and obviously I can break down further if you think it'll be a good idea.

I tidied away some of the introduction as well, because I thought it was too pretentious. What do you think?

B

Seems fine to me.