HHGTTG 6.1

I guess now Douglas has sadly passed there will never be a sixth HHGTTG book. He did not write this, and probably never read it. This page simply contains a version of the first chapter of a hypothetical sixth book that I wrote just to see if could be done and is left on the site as a kind of tribute to one of my favourite thinkers. Copyright on all the characters remains with the original copyright holders...

Chapter One

Ford stopped laughing.

In fact, he stopped laughing rather suddenly. He stopped laughing because he could not believe what he hadn't just seen. He hadn't just seen his friends explode. He hadn't just seen his component parts fly in various directions. And he hadn't seen himself retire to what is generally believed to be a cool and froody existence in the Betelguesian afterlife.

What he had just seen was rather shocking. His worn and battered (and now entirely useless) copy of the "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" had rapidly mutated into a spaceship, looking sort of like a sleek running shoe. The main service hatch had sprung open to reveal an enraged - and some would say completely mad - two-headed alien, who leapt forth brandishing a brand new 'kill-o-zap' gun whilst yelling, "everything is under control - I have everything under complete control".

"Hello Zaphod," said Arthur who had now seen so many weird things which he couldn't explain that he steadfastly refused to be astonished by any more.

"I … I … I …" said Ford. "Ummm … " he added helpfully.

"What's happening?" enquired Trillian, the only person still in vague control of her senses.

"Eddie saw into the future while we were on a cool and froody trip through the bizarre regions of hyperspace and discovered that the Earth was going to be destroyed by a race of grey amnesiac aliens that were being manipulated by the Vogons, who in turn were being paid off by a league of intergalactic psychiatrists. (Gasp). Anyway, you should have realised that, cool and froody as I am, I'd be here to save you all!"

"This is all a bit unlikely, isn't it?" remarked Trillian.

"At an improbability factor of 2 to the power infinity minus 1 against," said Eddie, shipboard computer of the Heart of Gold.

Captain Prostetic Vogon Jeltz paused. He paused for quite a long time because, being a Vogon, he wasn't that bright and he was currently at a loss as to what was going on. Something terrible had just happened. He looked at his rear view screen and saw a blue/green planet. He look at his dimension map on the computer screen and watched at the blue/green planet slowly multiplied itself inconsistently over its probability axis as any planet in a plural sector does. Lastly, he looked down at his clipboard and saw the little tick he'd put in the box next to the order to demolish the planet Earth(s).

Vogons are hardly the most likeable beings in the universe. If one was on fire, for example, you'd only pour you drink over him if it was a cold day and you didn't feel particularly thirsty. However, if they have one good attribute it's that they do things by the book.

Luckily, the tick had been made in pencil and therefore it could be removed before returning to the planet, destroying it, and then reapplying the tick. Of course, he could not sneakily leave the tick and go and destroy Earth without anyone realising his mistake, because he is a Vogon and that's not what Vogons do. So: rub, rub, erase, erase. So engrossed in removing the tick was Jeltz that he completely forgot to give the order to turn the ship around. Consequently, the huge yellow Vogon ship had an unscheduled and somewhat violent meeting with a newly discovered planet on the edge of the solar system. This had the net effect of obliterating a race of grey amnesiacs who were about to fire their guns for a second time and removing a large chunk of the planet itself.

On Earth, a mouse grinned, which startled the person who rather stupidly thought she owned it. "Everything is going to plan nicely," thought the mouse before eating a small piece of cheese and electrocuting itself.

Chapter Two

Ford checked the copy of the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy that had mysteriously appeared on the bridge of the Heart of Gold. Flicking it on simply gave this message: "All entries were accidentily erased in a huge office party last night. New entries will be sent over the sub-etha as soon as we can be bothered".

"This is more like it," thought Ford before turning his attention to working out the nearest place to get so drunk he might start a civil war in the process.