The Absolutely Inebriated History of Bowhunting

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You might be looking at the title and wondering why? And if you're not wondering why, we might be wondering why okay?

Because, well, you knew we'd get to this sooner or later, right? You might not know why you knew that but just let it simmer awhile on the fire and everything will become painfully clear.

Years ago, after the whiteboy buckskinners had shot all the game to feed the flunkies working on the railroad, somebody decided there was nothing to hunt and that they needed to rein things in a bit. So they conceived the idea of chasing what was left with bows and arrows just like the noble redman did. They decided this after the noble redman was, like the game, pretty much safely exterminated, but, hey, these people have never been known for thinking ahead. They're pretty hardpressed when trying to think behind, after all, so give them a break, okay?

So after copying what they thought the English did with bows and discovering that only real swains with huge rugby scars on their faces could even pull those horrendously idiotic stickbows, they started experimenting with modern manufacturing methods and came up with a concoction of fiberglass, maple laminates and furniture polish called the modern recurve.

It was high-tech, which means even a redneck could make one in his garage if he cleared out the 62 chevy short block and stunk up his ham smoker with epoxy. So pretty soon you had a few whiteboys wearing mustaches, later full beards, with feathers in their camo fadoras, stalking steely eyed through the swamps and thickets trying to peddle these bows with arrows made out of aluminium tubing, because most rednecks were still trying to figure out how to get the muffler back on and weren't too keen on complicating their lives by making their own archery tackle.

And it was great sport too. Once in awhile they accidently killed something.

So the other whiteboys who'd been shivering in tree stands with their scoped 30-30s decided to shiver in their treestands with a bow and arrows, but the bows were way too long and kept snagging on the limbs and the whiteboys would fall out of the trees and break their rednecks.

So then somebody came up with this highly engineered thing called a compound bow because it was really compounded of car parts left over when the shortblock was moved out by the block and tackle under the cottonwood tree. It was really short and had what's called letoff, which means you could brag it was a 70 pounder but you'd only be holding 35 pounds at full draw. And you could attach sights and counterweights and CB radio antennas to it too and nobody could tell the difference.

And pretty soon the whiteboys could sell these compounded car part contraptions for way more than they could get for a few slabs of wood and fiberglass stuck together with a glue gun.

But being compounded of car parts, with only 50,000 mile or three year warranties, whichever came first, and we all know the answer to that one don't we, the contraptions started getting out of adjustment and the whiteboys were spending more time with the bow up on the rack tightening here and loosening there than putting racks on the wall. That's when they "rediscovered" the "challenge of traditional archery".

So back they went to the old garage, only this time, to make up for the shortfall in price, they started building in exotic cabinet woods looted from rainforests around the world so they could charge almost as much for the bows as they'd been charging for the car part contraptions.

And they convinced the other whiteboys that they had these new scientific limb designs, that were actually copies of what the indians did by stepping on the bow sticks on top of a couple of logs, but the whiteboy's stuff was better because they had bow presses and epoxy resin and spaceage polymer, carbon fiber, clear nailpolish finishes, which the buyer would have to tone down a bit so it didn't spook the game. But it showed the wood grain so flatteringly.

Now, if you're getting the idea that all this was just for show, sort of like what you'd see in a furniture showroom, you're probably dead on, but let's suspend disbelief long enough to get to end of the story if we can.

So these whiteboys quickly discovered that they still couldn't hit much shivering in a treestand while snagging their bows on limbs and falling out of the tree. And since it's supposed to be "traditional archery" with no sights, they decided to sight down the arrow or use a mark on the bow. That's not a sight, by the way, it's a mark that's used for a sight. If you're a government lawyer, you can probably appreciate the distinction. But they still can't hit anything unless it's made out of plastic, has an orange spot painted on it, and doesn't move.

So these barebow warriors spend hundreds of dollars on a piece of otherwise useless furniture they'd be proud to leave to their grandchildren if they ever find out who they are. And the grandchildren, if they're ever found, yawn and want to know where the joystick is.

And that's about all you can do with "traditional archery" but it sure must make a man feel like a man I bet. Pulling back 60-70 lbs with no letoff, showing off your burley buff biceps and hairy chest above your sagging beer belly, oops, nevermind. And bragging about the one you almost got except it was too small so you passed on it and then it started to snow and you didn't want to get stranded in that infernal camper with the TV on the blink and the beer running low and the big football game playing without you.

Now, are you all clear about why you knew?

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