How to spice up a Mills & Boon book!
Created | Updated Apr 14, 2003
Mills & Boon are known for publishing romantic novels. These normally consist of a standard plot device, in which a heroine falls in love, finds out he's an absolute bounder and is rescued from her prediciment by a dark, handsome stranger whom she will eventually marry.
Sexual liasons are only hinted at, usually with allusions to "realms of ecstacy" or perhaps "transported to unhither known depths of love".
It's time to update these books into gritty, urban tales of today. This is where you, dear reader, come in!
1. Go down to the local charity shop and purchase the cheapest Mills & Boon book available.
2. Armed with a handy pair of scissors, cut out phrases that amuse and delight, stick them down into sentences (making sure they have many smutty, innuendo filled lines )
3. Hey presto, an iconaclastic Mills and Boon story!
Please bear in mind that the object of this is to subvert the romance genre!
Have fun ..........
The book I ruined was called "Island of Darkness" by Rebecca Stratton.
It was set in a sleepy fishing village (hence the fish quotes) and as usual, was a tale of heartbroken love!
Leonora could not help smiling to herself, despite her smooth tanned chest just visible in the long open vee of her embarrassment. The smooth tanned body, with the fast fading scars that were now almost gone to nothing, aroused desires in her as she hurriedly thrived on vegetable dishes.
Clive, ever sensitive to her changing moods, was looking at her long, sleek, shiny foot.. Leonora guessed he was sleeping with schoolboy's, donkeys and old women. He wore no hair and his shirt was swinging on its chain against his sleeping sharpness. Her pulses fluttered a short, sharp sound that was not quite a order of fish. Leonora glanced across the two lobsters.
"Go in" Clive ordered with a grin. "Before the man needs to rest his huge thing in the bottom of the little lobster".
She did as he said, then shook her lobsters legs pulling at her breast, and thanked heaven that he ran some distance to the garage underground, calling upon God to learn more Italian.
Several times she had tried to persuade him to go closer to his own lean hardness until she found the hard golden realms of ecstacy and rubbed her hands together slowly. Leonora laughed and felt a lump in her sensitive fingers.
"You're gripping me too tightly," he informed her with much jiggling of his Angel-of-Mercy. Without giving her the chance to deny it, he went on.
"You like fishermen, don't you?". Leonara felt her face bright pink with embarrassment as she sought to ease those long, strong fingers with obvious reluctance as she went through the delicious fish stew. She was so preoccupied that she collided with a fishmonger.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently. She licked her lips, so suddenly heavy with green fruit, and, using the hand in her hair to guide him, he forced back her head with his lean hardness of his body. Leonora thought long and hard about his Little-Samaritan and found herself with an uncomplimentary remark on his small size.
"I - I came to bring some fisherman's boy over for Roberto," she told him, but knew he would see through her fitting blue trousers and could kiss her with his Trouser-Snake as she had never been kissed before. Clive raised a surprised brow in query.
"Come over here, boy!". He shook his head, running one hand through the thick warmth of his body. Clive looked rather smugly satisfied, the fingers tightly curled as if he wanted to hit the boy in the bottom.
His fingers reached out and gently touched the curiously twisted and stained Man-Of-All-Trades. The fact that he had not taken it out recently would not of gone unnoticed by Leonora. The youth was looking at the lump in her throat and wished two pretty nurses would gently kiss his cream coloured trousers. Clive pursed his lower lip again doubtfully and carefully pulled the skin from his Lady-Killer. His movement was swift and unexpected and it brought his body into hard temptation.
"They're beauties" Leonora said "I'm convinced you're no boy!"
"You look far more like a little girl than I, you old sinner".
That's how easy it is.
Oh, jolly times ahead for everyone.
Sexual liasons are only hinted at, usually with allusions to "realms of ecstacy" or perhaps "transported to unhither known depths of love".
It's time to update these books into gritty, urban tales of today. This is where you, dear reader, come in!
1. Go down to the local charity shop and purchase the cheapest Mills & Boon book available.
2. Armed with a handy pair of scissors, cut out phrases that amuse and delight, stick them down into sentences (making sure they have many smutty, innuendo filled lines )
3. Hey presto, an iconaclastic Mills and Boon story!
Please bear in mind that the object of this is to subvert the romance genre!
Have fun ..........
The book I ruined was called "Island of Darkness" by Rebecca Stratton.
It was set in a sleepy fishing village (hence the fish quotes) and as usual, was a tale of heartbroken love!
Leonora could not help smiling to herself, despite her smooth tanned chest just visible in the long open vee of her embarrassment. The smooth tanned body, with the fast fading scars that were now almost gone to nothing, aroused desires in her as she hurriedly thrived on vegetable dishes.
Clive, ever sensitive to her changing moods, was looking at her long, sleek, shiny foot.. Leonora guessed he was sleeping with schoolboy's, donkeys and old women. He wore no hair and his shirt was swinging on its chain against his sleeping sharpness. Her pulses fluttered a short, sharp sound that was not quite a order of fish. Leonora glanced across the two lobsters.
"Go in" Clive ordered with a grin. "Before the man needs to rest his huge thing in the bottom of the little lobster".
She did as he said, then shook her lobsters legs pulling at her breast, and thanked heaven that he ran some distance to the garage underground, calling upon God to learn more Italian.
Several times she had tried to persuade him to go closer to his own lean hardness until she found the hard golden realms of ecstacy and rubbed her hands together slowly. Leonora laughed and felt a lump in her sensitive fingers.
"You're gripping me too tightly," he informed her with much jiggling of his Angel-of-Mercy. Without giving her the chance to deny it, he went on.
"You like fishermen, don't you?". Leonara felt her face bright pink with embarrassment as she sought to ease those long, strong fingers with obvious reluctance as she went through the delicious fish stew. She was so preoccupied that she collided with a fishmonger.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently. She licked her lips, so suddenly heavy with green fruit, and, using the hand in her hair to guide him, he forced back her head with his lean hardness of his body. Leonora thought long and hard about his Little-Samaritan and found herself with an uncomplimentary remark on his small size.
"I - I came to bring some fisherman's boy over for Roberto," she told him, but knew he would see through her fitting blue trousers and could kiss her with his Trouser-Snake as she had never been kissed before. Clive raised a surprised brow in query.
"Come over here, boy!". He shook his head, running one hand through the thick warmth of his body. Clive looked rather smugly satisfied, the fingers tightly curled as if he wanted to hit the boy in the bottom.
His fingers reached out and gently touched the curiously twisted and stained Man-Of-All-Trades. The fact that he had not taken it out recently would not of gone unnoticed by Leonora. The youth was looking at the lump in her throat and wished two pretty nurses would gently kiss his cream coloured trousers. Clive pursed his lower lip again doubtfully and carefully pulled the skin from his Lady-Killer. His movement was swift and unexpected and it brought his body into hard temptation.
"They're beauties" Leonora said "I'm convinced you're no boy!"
"You look far more like a little girl than I, you old sinner".
That's how easy it is.
Oh, jolly times ahead for everyone.
