• Name:
Rasputin.
• Sex:
Male
• Occupation:
Power-hungry, un-dead, homicidal, psychopath.

• Aliases
The Mad Monk of Russia.
• Known Accomplices:
Tzar Nicolas II
• Comments:

A seedy Russian holy man who died in 1916, after using his evil hypnotic powers to hasten the demise of the Romanov dynasty. Well, we say died. he was poisoned, strangled, stabbed, and shot and then just to be sure he was dunked in a river¹. Naturally, being a nasty sort he went to Hell.

His favourite colour is black and his greatest ambition is to kill everyone.

• Name:
Richter
• Sex:
Male
• Occupation:
Seimsmolgist
• Aliases
None Known.
• Known Accomplices:
Robin
• Comments:

A seismologist by profession secretly is part of a super-secret underground secret network of secret people working to prevent the secret (and immenent) end of the world. - Which in less confusing language, means that beneath his offices lies a network of caves (which pay more than a passing resembelence to a similar abode of a certain wing'ed fighter of crime) stocked to the hilt with ancient manuscripts and hit-tech computers. From here he monitors the events unfolding in the world above - waiting to make his move...

• Name:
Mr Smittington
• Sex:
Male
• Occupation:
Evi Megalomaniac, Engineer and Cloning expert.
• Aliases
None on File...
• Known Accomplices:
Annabell, The Cryo Clownz
• Comments:

The Father of Annabel Smittington is a master engineer and was in charge of the disaterous
Cryo-Clownz operation initiated under the former criminal empire of The Red Leicester. His huge underground complex beneath the bakery on Barn Street houses huge sound stages where diabolical experiments in cloning, and robotics take place. This wizened old crone is a formidable, if hidden enemy of the agency, despite his advanced years.

• Name:
Annabell.
• Sex:
Female
• Occupation:
Lynch pin of an apocalypic cult that forsaw the coming apocolypse.

• Aliases
None stated.
• Known Accomplices:
5 shadowy figures about whom nothing is yet disclosed.
• Comments:

A powerful lady who dresses immaculatly, you might describe her manner as 'severe'. Exploits advanced technology (a family trait she clearly shares with her father. ) she is able to hack through most security systems and databases - which no doubt is of great aid in her business dealings - primarily it is used to track the movemenst of her henchmen and any forces that are moving against her. Annabell is a women of mystery quite what her goal is, no-one still alive is qualified to testify.

• Name:
Cryo-clown.
• Sex:
Ungendered.
• Occupation:
Advanced Cyborg Infiltration Unit.
• Aliases
none stated.
• Known Accomplices:
The Cryo-clownz have been known to group together to initiate an attack but generally are solitary creatures.
• Comments:

About 6' in height - these robots where designed to kill. Their metal chasis are resiliant to all but the most powerful attack but their delicate elctronics are liable to short-circuit. Their over-sized clown feet are designed to spread their considerable weight over an area because of this however,they are somewhat ponderous and clumsy, though there are capable of surprising turns of speed when necessary.
A piece of corrupted software coding in the earliest completed batch of these cyborgs infected them with massive depression and a death wish.

Escaping from their holding cells en route to being liquidated and fulfilling their last known command-line perameters, the robots are believed to have dispersed across the globe.

Thus they present something of a wild card, threatening to turn up when they are least expected and wrecking havoc and destruction wherever they go.

Next

• Name:
A.L
• Sex:
Non-Gendered Computer
• Occupation:
State of the art Artifical Intelligence Unit, installed in UPS Guy's Range Rover. (You've seen KITT in Knight Rider? - Well just like that.)
• Aliases
None.
• Known Accomplices:
UPS Guy
• Comments:

Reminiscent of the H.A.L computer aboard the "Discovery" in 2001: A space Odyssey - but a little bit more emotionally balanced. Which isn't saying much.

• Name:
Leicestersniicth Kitanya-irrania-tatonya-karenska Alisov
• Sex:
Male
• Occupation:
Demonic Hell Spawn
• Aliases
Leicester.
• Known Accomplices:
Tim
• Comments:

After he died, Leicester went to Hell.

Now the thing about Hell is that after a while it starts to do funny things to the people that wind up there - but improving your temper is not one of them. No longer a man, he is now a creature of The Pit. As evil as he was in life - in death he poses a far greater threat.

• Name:
Tim.
• Sex:
Male
• Occupation:
Assasin
• Aliases
None.
• Known Accomplices:
Leicester
• Comments:

Tim having displayed his fire for self-preservation at all costs and talents in deception and double-crossing was unusually loyal to his former master The Red Leicester. When Leicester was killed, Tim was arrested and sent down for 25 to life cracking rocks in Frongoch, Wales.
What will become of the Leicester's most loyal assasin?

• Name:
Satan,
• Sex:
He's big, angry and red - draw your own conclusions....
• Occupation:
Is in charge of Hell.
• Aliases
Belzeebub, St Nick, The Beast of the Pit, the Infernal one, The Adversary.
• Known Accomplices:
small children called: 'Damien'
• Comments:

The fallen angel Lucifer and God's opposite number in Hell. The two are engaged in a millennia-spanning game of destructive one-upmanship played with humanity.

Representing the side of Evil in the Eternal Struggle, he is generally seen as being more jovial than God, in the manner of a snake-oil salesman. Deals extensively in human souls, mainly used ones, and operates Hell where bad people go when they die. (There is a Special Room for all the Lawyers.)

Satan is thought to exert a powerful influence over world affairs, as he has more attractive bribes for humans than his Heavenly counterpart.

• Name:
God
• Sex:
It's Ineffable.
• Occupation:
Diety.
• Aliases
God, The Lord. The Word
• Known Accomplices:
St Peter (Doorman on the Pearly Gates)
• Comments:

An eccentric reclusive character about whom very little is known.

Believed to have created this world and everything on it. Highly competitive, omnipotent and legendary for moving in mysterious, if not bloody incomprehensible, ways.

Most of our knowledge about the Lord comes from his bestselling book The Bible. A rollercoaster ride of sacrifice, penitence and begetting; it also has one of the best opening lines ever.

God is widely accepted as having a big white beard, a flowing robe, sandals and sit on a big white throne surrounded by white light.

God is engaged in the Eternal Struggle with Satan for the hearts and minds of Man. It would be premature of us to reveal who is winning.

God represents the side of Good. Also manages the large enterprise that is Heaven, where good people go when they die. Many people have conclusively disproved the existence of God, which he finds extemely flattering - ask yourself, how many people have taken the trouble to disprove Kevin Bacon for instance?²?
According to Voltaire, God is: "A comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh". This could go some way to explaining why he is so frequently annoyed.

• Arthur Robinson - Secret Agent.


• Agent X - Secret Agent.


• Jill (Agent XXX) - Secret Agent.


• Bob Everyman³
  ³
  You've heard of the phrase 'Bob's your uncle!' Well our Bob is the guy who didn't ask your aunt to the school disco.


• Guy - Head of the Agency.


• Heddingly Edgbaston - debonair brain surgeon.


• Gonzaroolio - Assasin/Clown.

• Alan Titchmarsh
- T.V gardener.

• Alistair Crowley
- Mad Occultist Inventor with asperations to Bohemianism.

• Adolf Hitler
- German Dictator.

• Attila the Hun
- Barbarian.

• Calligula.
- Debauched Emperor of Rome.

• Colin
- Occult Telepathic.

• Jack the Ripper
- Victorian serial killer.

• Jim Davidson
- Comic and game show host.

• Josef Stalin
- Russian dictator.

• King Arthur
- Legendary Monarch of Great Britain.

• Lucianio Pavarotti
- Opera Tenor.

• Pope John XXIII
- Saint.

• The Red Baron
- German flying Ace.

• Vasily Yusupov
- Descendent of Rasputin's killer.

• And even more:Assorted Journalists, Bikers, Engineers, Goths, Generic Guards, Hermits, Lesser Divine Entities, Mad Occultists, Monks, Minions, News Readers, Nurses, Politicians, Rock Bands, The Dali Llama, Scientists, Surfers & The 81st Royal Horticultural Society's Chelsea Flower Show.

h2g2 Storytime II: Prologue
h2g2 Storytime II: Archive

Clive the flying ostrich

28.11.02 Front Page

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