Emotionally Immature Parents (A Book Review)
Created | Updated Aug 3, 2024
Emotionally Immature Parents (A Book Review)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:
How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
By Lindsay Gibson, PsyD.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2015. ISBN 9781626251700.
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Editor's Note: Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist with thirty years' experience. According to her publicity information, at some point when treating her patients, she discovered a commonality: 'the anxiety, obsessions, and depression of her clients were often rooted in distorted beliefs and emotional coercions induced by emotionally immature parents.' Her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, has been translated into 14 languages and sold over 100,000 copies. One of these has been read by our reviewer Paigetheoracle, who will tell us what he gleaned from it.
In her book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents Lindsay Gibson points out that emotional intimacy is invigorating and drives personal growth. In contrast, what she calls enmeshed relationships create certainty and predictability through reassuring role playing by each member of the family. If anyone tries to step out of line, it creates great anxiety for all other family members, unless the offending member returns to the fold. Under such circumstances tactics will be employed to push the rebel back into place.
We might assume that all adults experience time in a continuum from past into the future but not so with the immature. When upset, they get lost in the eternal now, meaning that they don't use past experiences to guide them or anticipate future problems. This aspect of impulsiveness threw me because eastern philosophy talks the need to live in the present. This statement however clarifies the situation in its limitations. It's like a radio tuned into one channel that never allows for other music or talk shows to air but shoots down all suggestions of alternate realities, alternative tunes.
Chapter four points out that there are basically four types of emotionally immature parents: the emotional, the passive, the rejecting, and the driven. I found the last-mentioned interesting as it reminded me of ex-friends who dumped me and my partner. They were obsessed with their children making a success of their lives. The author says such children have problems with initiative. These kids were paraded before us every time we turned up, in true middle class fashion, which obviously embarrassed them. This was also true of the son of one of my wife's brothers who had to play the bagpipes in front of us. To quote Lindsay Gibson, 'Their frequent interference in their children's lives is legendary.'
She talks of extreme 'externalisers' ending up with up with physical or behavioural problems, whereas extreme 'internalisers' are open to depression and anxiety. Introversion and extroversion are the equivalent terms, Jung used for direction of attention: internalisers are highly sensitive to others' needs and it can lead to self neglect, the author mentions as an aside.
The true self becomes anxious (distressed) when challenged to act authentically (live without barriers). If acknowledged and worked with, it can become a lifesaver, releasing your true feelings and realising what these are. Dabrowski, the Polish psychiatrist, believed that those who can tolerate negative emotions are more likely to change after an emotional upheaval, whereas those who are psychologically unaware would just slip back into their bad habits (retreat behind their defences again). It's also like being in the same play all the time, your own personal version of From Here To Eternity.
Because anger is an expression of individuality (rebellion against the old order) this is something that the immature adult jumps on the most. It indicates that the true self is trying to break free and must be stopped at all costs.
Operating from a calm, thoughtful centre, rather than reacting emotionally, keeps you grounded in the self. To help with this, the author suggests using words to describe exactly what is happening as it will stop you reacting emotionally to the situation and getting drawn into the fight. Conscious observation doesn't mean being devious, deceitful or disloyal. It means not getting drawn into pointless conflict that resolves nothing (as usual). To be an emotionally mature adult, you must be free to have your own opinion, your own taste.
To avoid getting involved in arguments, you need to keep a grip on your own emotions. This means observing how you are feeling and how the other people involved are acting. In other words focus on the outcome. Ignore the status of the other person in the family dynamic. Treat them as just another adult, not your parent or sibling.
Everyone internalises their parents' voices. When it's negative (angry, critical or contemptuous), this recording in your head drives paranoia – and schizophrenia at the extreme end). Likewise, witnessing a child's dependency makes an immature parent feel wanted and can lead to them completely dominating the child's life (Munchhausen by proxy at its worst: again this is my interpretation, as the author never mentions this).
The question is do you want to be an independent adult or a dependent child? Do you want to break free or remain a prisoner of previous programming?
Although the author aims this at the family, it can also apply to any group, from sports to politics as it is all about game playing / being a gang member.
