Cruise ships – gurt big caravans of the sea. Many people like them for some reason, but not round here. I'm from the Isle of Wight and work in Southampton, and I've commuted enough to know that if one of these things gets into Southampton Water in front of the ferry you're on, you're going to be 30-45 minutes late getting home. If it happened to an earlier ferry, the timetable is still shot for the rest of the day. And Southampton is one of the biggest cruise terminals in the world, often getting a dozen or more over a weekend despite knowing that if 3 or 4 or more are docked at any one time, all the traffic in Southampton grinds to a halt. And then there's the environmental impact – engines the size of a four-floor house that leak like sieves the size of school buses. Sensible cities like Amsterdam and Vienna have already banned the monstrosities.

And there's never any respite! There are always people off round the world or across the Atlantic or touring the Med or off for a cruise around Norway because they're pining for the fjords and want to see the lovely, crinkly edges. Yes, the fireworks when they launch them look pretty, and the squirty water thing that tugs do on their maiden voyages is all very well, but on the whole I try to ignore them after giving the things a dirty look.

This is the Disney Dream   – the third of Disney's cruise ships, which on 10 September 2023 started offering sailings from the UK, proving that even Disney now acknowledges that while places like California and Florida are all very well, the Isle of Wight is the true magic kingdom. Its waterslide is 765 feet long, while the Mayflower's deck was 90 feet. The waterslide is almost as long as the Titanic, which was 882 feet long.

Bluebottle

02.10.23 Front Page

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