Die Quantenmechanik ist sehr achtunggebietend. Aber eine innere Stimme sagt mir, daß das noch nicht der wahre Jakob ist. Die Theorie liefert viel, aber dem Geheimnis des Alten bringt sie uns kaum näher. Jedenfalls bin ich überzeugt, daß der nicht würfelt.

– Letter to Max Born, 4 December 1926

Today I want to talk about this very interesting quote by Albert Einstein. I think it's especially revealing in light of current discussions among laypersons and scientists of. . .

What? Oh. Yeah. Well, I could see how that might be a problem. Okay, I'll give you a translation. It will be my own, and you may find that it differs somewhat from the one you're used to.

Quantum mechanics is very impressive. But an inner voice tells me that it isn't the real McCoy. The theory is very productive, but it hardly brings us closer to the secret of the Old Fellow. In any case, I'm convinced that He doesn't shoot craps.

There, better?

What I get out of this is not that Uncle Albert was offended by quantum theory, but that he didn't think it was going to yield the Ultimate Question – you know, the one whose Answer is 42. I also get out of it that Uncle Albert was fond of a joke and used colloquial expressions. And that he had an affectionate but not overly pious view of the Creator. In other words, he didn't think that the Lord of Spirits would mind being referred to as 'der Alte'.

There's a difference between being religious and being spiritual. That difference probably played a role in the discovery of relativity, but I'm not a physicist, so what do I know? What I think he was saying is that, while we know we don't know things, we aren't going to arrive at any definitive answers using random numbers and statistical probabilities.

Last week I was talking about how you can't boil a frog, and other ridiculous conundra¹ brought about by the democratisation of the misinformation process. It used to be so that our collective misunderstanding of reality had to go through such gatekeepers as the publishing houses of London, New York, Boston, etc, the 'newspapers of record' such as the New York Times and The Times of London, footnoted academic journals that had been peer-reviewed, and so forth. There was no guarantee that any of it was true, of course, but at least it was 'definitively inaccurate'. We could count on being able to quote authority to back up our collective ignorance.

'There are no rocks in the sky, therefore rocks do not fall from the sky' used to be canon. Until that embarrassing meteor shower in France. For most of my life, UFO believers were considered nutcases. Now that the government insists the alien ships are real again, I'm rethinking Gheorgheniplex. Even my aliens are becoming skeptical.

Today the New York Times has an op/ed piece with the title, 'Why Ken and Barbie Need Each Other.' Its author writes sentences like, ' But then male unhappiness plunged between the 9/11 era and Barack Obama's re-election in 2012, before stabilizing a bit thereafter.' It then plunges – deeply enough to give me the bends – into a discussion of how 'Barbie is a movie with a feminist default, but also complicated and sometimes muddled feelings about what the sexual revolution has done and where feminism ought to go.' That's fine, I suppose. I even understood that sentence, although it made me roll my eyes. But if that's what the 'paper of record' chooses to go on about, we need to look elsewhere for our definitive inaccuracy. Because brethren and sistren, that is some sub-Hitchhiker's Guide b.s.

Personally, I think we need more surrealism in our diet.

I also think we should flat-out refuse to let these 'papers of record' and film industry giants and social media influencers, etc, decide what we should be talking about. Our response to all this opinionating should be to change the subject. Early and often.

'I think thus-and-such about gender relations and blah-blah-blah.'

'Fish, bicycle. Do you know that Patti Smith lyric that goes Love is a banquet on which we feed? Her music is underappreciated, don't you think?'

'Chic-Fil-A's owners are so virtuous! They aren't open on Sundays!'

Do not take the bait. This person wants you retort something about their politics. Instead, say, 'Personally, I don't think anybody will ever improve on KFC's original recipe, but if you're down South and prefer really spicy food, try a Bojangle's.'

This game can be played all day and all night. I heartily recommend it as a cure for tedium.

It's kind of kin to what my mischievous friend Iris did to her prospective mother-in-law back in the 70s. You see, Iris was alone in the world, without a mother to advise her (she was the most self-sufficient young woman I ever met). Frau Schmidtke, a big-hearted, motherly lady, was nevertheless a staunch Baptist from the East Prussian farm country. Over there, they specialised in potato growing, handcrafts, and homemade piety.

'Liebchen, we need to talk about – well, Verkehr. It's a delicate subject, but I want to make sure you understand – '

(By 'Verkehr', she meant 'intercourse'. In the vaguest possible terms, of course.)

'Why, Mother Schmidtke, whatever can you mean? The Verkehr doesn't seem that bad today. Just a few extra buses.'

('Verkehr' usually refers to traffic.)

Iris could keep this up all day.

Thinkers of the world, unite! You do not have to 'debate' nincompoops. You do need to stop them from regulating your family's access to vaccines, health care, decent education, properly remunerated employment, and library books. You just don't have to do it by validating their nonsense.

Instead of saying, 'Climate change is real,' say 'You know better than to let those people spill oil and kill the fish.'

Instead of arguing about who has the right to what pronouns, point out that just as you treasure your own right to privacy and autonomy, you also respect everyone else's – and they don't need your permission to be themselves.

Also shrug when people pretend to be aghast at the sexual content and bad language in Shakespeare. Say, 'You're only just finding this out? You must have been asleep in English class.'

When all else fails, change the subject. Ask them if they've heard what Einstein said about God and the dice.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

21.08.23 Front Page

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