h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've been asked how I made the Sword in the Stone garden feature:

Spot a sandstone rock in your rockery that has a nice flat top and keeps reminding you of several decades ago and your eldest daughter's Disney Sword in the Stone addiction.

Find one Highlander replica sword you bought twenty odd years ago for a photoshoot, then promptly stuck in the loft with all your other 'that might come in handy one day' props.

Drag stone into workshop (be sure to comment that 'its bloody heavy') whilst trying not to show how much you're sweating.

Mark out channel in top of rock with a pencil. Remark rock with one that isn't blunt!

Re-remark rock making sure it's now actually central.

Take three long masonry drills (8mm) and promptly snap them all till you get a channel through the rock to fit the sword. (Being extra careful to cut your fingers to bits on the broken drills)

Burn bleeding fingers on red hot broken drill bits thoroughly and repeat three times!

Smooth edges by ruining a perfectly good wood chisel on any stubborn edges.

Scoop up rock dust and keep, preferably without getting it in your eyes like I did (twice!)

Find space in the weird quirky bit of your garden.

Place stone. (Moan about how you're getting old and could've lifted one twice as big back in the day!)

Slide sword through stone into soil beneath.

Take sword out, struggle to remove heavy stone, dig up thick tree root that's very handily right beneath the hole!

Puff and pant getting rock back in place. Reinsert broadsword, wonder how anyone could ever swing one of these in battle, they're sooo heavy!

If you don't want it to be pulled out and waved around by any visiting muscle-bound children, seal around hole with resin and sprinkle with rock dust to blend and conceal resin marks. (Obviously choose a windy day so dust gets in your eyes again!)

There you go!

Easy peasy MacLeod Sword in the Stone.

(Author's safety note: when tackling any diy job, do not lift anything too heavy and please be careful when using power tools and sharp things, always wear the correct protective equipment. )

You will get inquiries, as this has now gone out on Twitter.

These instructions are a legend in themselves.

Dear FWR, you are a wonder. This is amazing, and dedicated craftsmanship.

The instructions will definitely discourage the MacLeod I know from actually creating his own sword in the stone.

'Easy peasy?' he will protest. 'I thought easy peasy was not having to hike over the hills with a bag of oatmeal on my back, like my great grandfather used to do.

Now the oatmeal option seems easy peasy in comparison.'



The finished product, though, will have him bringing forth Celtic chant to his ancestors, and having strange dreams about Dunvegan Castle, the clan seat he's never been to.

Sword in the stone. A very mythic image. Must find out its origins.

Wonderful work, FWR. Thanks for sharing.

This is shaping up to be a truly wonderful thread... wish we had a bagpipe smiley...

Two of my faves, King Arthur anf Highlander, what's not to like?

Wait til I get the stone circle in?

King Arthur! Doh. Of course.



Can't wait for the instructions for how to make your own stone circle, like in Avebury, with a crop circle nearby and discs in the sky.

“From the lawns of thyme we came…mowing silently down through the centuries. Propagating many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the gardening, when the few who remain will landscape to the last. No one has ever known we were among yew…..until now.“

Don't give him any ideas...

The Hoggetts were here today, and Mrs Hoggett noted approvingly that many people had discovered new interests and learned new skills during the pandemic. I described your gardening efforts...

The farmers were delighted.

Uh oh

That's brilliant though, you have to admit, from the lawns of thyme, the time of the gardening, among yew.

The Story Garden is flowering..

Lol

I am seriously thinking of a tale of an immortal Highland gardener... But Henry Letterbox has a dreadful bleedin Scots accent!