Don't Beware of the Dog
His name is Fifi. Okay, so the pound promised us a female poodle and delivered a bear- sized black Mastiff instead. He looks scary, doesn't he? Well, he's a softy. And there's the problem. We can't keep him inside, as he's bigger than some of our rooms. We tied him up out front, and he scared several mailmen away. (We had to explain things to the Post Office so we could continue getting our mail.)
There are three frail old ladies on this block, and they used to walk past our house on their constitutionals. Not any more. We've begged them to resume their usual routes, but Fifi is just too scary for them to contemplate!
It's not all bad, of course. Six houses in the neighborhood have been robbed, but ours is not one of them. Fifi is doing a great job just by looking scary.
Fifi gets lonely. One of the few people who isn't scared of him brings his female chihuahua to visit Fifi. We're a little leery of letting them mate, though, given the likely size of the puppies.
Fifi will also...wait, what are you doing, Fifi? "No, Fifi, put that toad down! Bad dog, Fifi!"
Apparently Fifi will eat toads, even that really bigone. I'd better amend my sign to read: "Don't beware of dog, unless you are a toad."