h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I hate TV trailers. Why? Because they offer a series of violent images. So I don't watch the programmes.

I can cope with violence in books but not in film.

You might be missing out. If you've seen the trailers for 'Good Omens', you might be fearing the worst...

I incline somewhat in another direction. I find ideas when read more likely to stay in my mind than fleeting visual images. I've just read an old pulp fiction volume today (written by a master, though), and the imagery has stuck with me in a way a film never would.

I'm looking forward to "Good Omens," having enjoyed the book.

Why would you talk about your writing advice as "useless," Dmitri? Your advice always gets me thinking. As I inch my way closer to geezerhood day by day, I need to be sure that thinking (which will someday be all that I have left) stays feasible.

It might be possible to do a satire in which Chekhov's advice about the gun is tweaked for comic effect. Leslie Nielsen's "Naked gun" movies had some hilarious gun-related violence.

For all I know, there may a film in which someone fills the barrel of his gun with gin or whiskey.

I'm glad this column works as intended, Paul - as an aid to people's own thinking.

Have you ever seen 'Support Your Local Sheriff'? It's an old comedy from the 60s with James Garner. The gun scene in that one is memorable, funny, and has a message.

Yeah, I hate gratuitous violence in films and books and adverts and music... and mime and knitware too... Oh wait.. No... sorry...had a bit of a moment then... Back to the Group W bench for me... Blood and guts and gore...

My point was 'gratuitous'. Meaning 'gets in the way of the story'. For instance, what would be a perfectly acceptable level of violence in 'Escape from LA' (excellent film, btw, I've seen it at least twice) would hardly be appropriate in a set of knitting instructions.

And if that doesn't get you off my case and onto an idea, I'll be surprised........

Snake Pliskin was a bloody good crochetter ill have you know!

*You got 24 hours, Snake, better get knitting... And Pliskin... we need a matching scarf to compliment the cardigan... *

Snake spread out the diagram on the battered and rusty hood of the Buick. His good eye squinting in the dim streetlight as he traced the outline with his gloved fingers.

Snarling at the Major, Snake spat the chewed match, and growled, *Why me?*

*Because your expendable, Pliskin* the Major snatched up the pattern, *Expendable and the best damn knitter on the West Coast!*

*And if I refuse?* Snake scowled, rubbing his eyepatch.

*One: The President doesn't get a nice Christmas pressie .. and two: You don't get to keep your head on your shoulders!*

The Major threw a bag of yarn and two needles, Pliskin effortlessly plucked them both out of the air.

*OK Major, the Prez gets her card and scarf, then I'm coming for you!*

Snake grabbed the knitting pattern, stuffing it into his tight leather vest, and sauntered off to pop the kettle on…

"what would be a perfectly acceptable level of violence in 'Escape from LA' would hardly be appropriate in a set of knitting instructions."

True!

I also can conjure up more vivid images from books than tend to be in films, unless the film leaves certain things to the imagination (eg Jurassic Park where a man was savaged in a box by a dinosaur - no blood or violence was seen, but I conjured up a memorably horrible nightmare just from the sounds... However, the 'violence' was necessary to establish the level of threat that pervaded the actions of the people.)

*Expendable and the best damn knitter on the West Coast!*

Speaking of gratuitous , Belgium is on the West Coast of Europe.

West Coast? I thought it was the Left Coast.

Literally or politically?

Nowadays it's both.