h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I would like to have a go at writing an advert in this style, but in the meantime here are my first thoughts on browsing the Peterman's website:

I can understand why you bought the cologne, as the products just ooze with an atmosphere of the Athenaeum http://theathenaeum.org.uk/library , with its well-used leather armchairs, rich-pile burgundy carpet and mahogany bookcases filled with classic literature in matching hardback covers, where a gentleman can spend the afternoon in good company, reading comfortably...

One old advertising adage is that you're 'not selling the steak, you're selling the sizzle.' There's a lot of sizzle in a Peterman catalogue.

I looked at the dress in the top left and thought 'Paris in the 1880s. I could mention Toulouse Lautrec perhaps.'

Then I checked and discovered the dress belonged in New York. What do I know about New York in the 1880s. Not much.

I don't have time now, but I'll see if I can write some stories later. The red gentleman's suit made me think of Hillary Clinton's red pants suit just before the 2016 election. I remember thinking that she would have a hard time getitng electedi n that suit. Sadly, I was right.I would have preferred to be wrong.

MVP, you can write the advert copy about anything you like. The idea is to set a mood, flatter the purchaser, inspire them to buy through fantasy. No reason you couldn't buy a New York dress and wear it in Paris....

Who is that mysterious woman at the dinner table? So elegant, so aloof, and yet, so not-French. She seems to have stepped out of a Henry James novel. Perhaps a wealthy socialite from New York's Blue Book, out for her European Grand Tour? She could be here to ensorcel a titled trophy husband. (Keep an eye on your escort, the marquis has a roving eye.) That red taffeta? Such a bold, transatlantic statement. Quelle panache!

Red taffeta with velvet accents, $529. See size chart and instructions to measure for bustle.

Mme. Grapanche, 1886 dinner dress

"What on earth was I thinking when I chose this outfit? Oh, right, I don't have a head, so I *couldn't* think. Maybe someone has hidden my head in back of me, under that huge protuberance...."

If anyone tells you items of clothing cannot be both functional and stylish, show them these shoes. Not only do they have an impressive two-inch heel to give you the height and authority to command a room, but they are also designed in a cream colourway to complement or contrast with your outfit of choice without clashing. No need to compromise on comfort, either - made from the finest leather and the softest silk, these shoes will support your feet for the duration of the longest of soirées.

Leather sole, embroidered silk upper. Available to order in several lengths and widths - see size chart for details. $229.

There used to be a television show called 'Seinfeld'. I never watched it, but some of my workmates were huge fans.

One of them asked me one day, 'Is that a Peterman shirt?' I admitted that yes, it was. He told me that a character on the show worked for the Peterman Company, so I lent him a catalogue.

I just found a funny scene from 'Seinfeld' on Youtube, involving an actor playing J Peterman. I thought you'd like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad5Bu9GN3zg

I liked the Peterman episodes of "Seinfeld."

The Japanese handbag, 19th Century

"The Oka-San will never think to look for me in here. Thanks to Newt Scamander, this innocent-looking handbag has a portal to a tea-garden where fantastic beasts wait to pamper me and provide pleasure. Considering that I live to give pleasure to others (always men), I deserve a bit of pleasure myself!"

Brilliant! Perfect for this thread!

My mind is a snowstorm of ideas, many of them rather odd.

"set a mood, flatter the purchaser, inspire them to buy through fantasy."

Yes - this encapsulates the Petersen style neatly. The way the text speaks directly to the purchaser (eg "when I saw this item in Italy, I knew I had to bring it to your attention.") as well as assuming that of course the purchaser has the lifestyle that requires this product (so by a twist of logic the purchaser can imagine if they buy the product then they're buying into the lifestyle).

I can't deny that sort of advertising works on me

It's astonishingly effective, which is why I suggested it as an exercise. It gets you to play around with descriptions and gives you greater control.

Peterman got what he deserved at one time. This stuff was so successful, he had to expand his business. It got out of control and he couldn't meet the demand. So he declared bankruptcy, and came back with a smaller company - and far more expensive goods. I don't think he wants to sell too many.

I can't afford them, nor would there be room for them in my home or yard. As I sit in my living room on a frigid January day, about all I can do is look at pictures of his products on my computer screen, and dream of past and future occasions when it would be warm and sunny and glorious.

OK, this is my effort on the dress in the top left.

'You will stand out in this sensational dress. You could attend a dinner in London where everyone of importance is present, even the Queen, and all the men will be looking at you. The dress is eye-catching in red and gold taffeta silk and black velvet.

A few stuffy aristocrats might regard a young American lady as a little brash, but you can hold your head high. There is no doubting the quality of this dress. The bodice is made of over fifteen panels and attention has been paid to every detail. The skirt is simply stunning. The back is gathered and bunched and, below the silk falls to a magnificent train.

Outside, the London fog may be dull and grey but you will shine!"

That description sounds contemporary to the dress. Good job!

Contemporary? Oh, dear. I should rewrite post 11 so that it is in Japanese.

Thanks Dmitri.

I didn't dare to do the Japanese one, Paulh. Too much research!