Hell.

Originally unthought of by the Spiral Architect, but, as the apes flourished, and their lifespan dwindled pitifully, the Quiet Area of Eden – perfect for a time out for bad behaviour – just wasn't the threat it was intended to be.

The ancient version of "Go to your room!"

Full of toys and pets, away from the annoying siblings, an hour or two of pure bliss!

The Great Entrapment scandal ruined all that.

Good was still obviously rewarded, but evil now needed to be punished. Quiet Time had had its day.

Nah, just not powerful enough. We needed a bigger stick to match the Boss's Mighty and Almighty Carrot.

The threat of a place so awful, so mind-blowingly terrible, that the very thought of ending up there would make these monkeys behave!

Obviously there was a Focus Group to bounce some ideas around, Black Sky thinking, if you like.

Lucifer loved it. He was always a prat. One of those guys at the office party that you'd never get tired of slapping. Thick, annoying, a bloody know it all.

An awfully long time later the Concept was finally agreed upon. A spot of market research with the monks and a few visions and whispers in their piously stupid monkey ears, and hey presto!

The new Great Torment was a hit, histories re-written, holy scripts (don't get me started) were altered and the stinking masses of humanity had the Ultimate Worry to help keep them in line whilst the Boss trundled off to play God (again) and left us to keep an eye on His experiment.

Now what you have to appreciate is, like the staff at most corporate ventures, Angels are a bunch of back-stabbing, ruthlessly ambitious, brown-nosed thugs. God's Storm-troopers.

Forget the glowing, wing'ed creatures of shimmering beauty, imagine instead a horde of heavily armed, muscle-bound, very, very vicious divorce lawyers.

And dim. Did I mention dim?

The launch day was upon us, speeches were made, cake eaten, and the golden envelope containing the name of the new Head of Naughtiness was opened with a flourish.

Sighs of relief, growls of anger, tears of frustration (why did the lazy, backside kissers always get promotion?) as Lucifer puffed up his already massive chest and pulled out a long, long and very tedious acceptance speech.

Obviously getting in some torture practice before starting the job proper.

The highlight of the afternoon was the teeny, tiny typo in the Policy and Planning document.

Lucifer plowed straight on, oblivious as usual.

".....door will always be open. Finally I would like to welcome my new staff, I know we will work well together and I look forwards to moving forward, picking up the ball and running with it, taking our new roles seriously, game faces on, but still maintaining that wicked office humour you guys are famous for!

Have a good weekend and safe journey to your new homes in East Yorkshire. Thank you, see you all Monday morning, bright and early!"

Amused and confused looks as the feeble applause died down, thank you Admin, from the bottom of our Immortal Souls, thank you!

Lucifer, remember Brother, 'tis better to reign in 'Hull' than to serve in Heaven!

Freewayriding

08.10.18 Front Page

Back Issue Page