h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Looking at the world at the moment, I thought Noooo!!! All the beach huggers as opposed to scientific investigators, wallowers in appearance as opposed to seekers of depth, meaningless action as opposed to meaningful thought. Statements that are so bland they tell you absolutely nothing (even Chinese meals leave you hungry for me, these though just leave you confused at the waste of paper). The murder of English makes you think where is Shakespeare when you need him most? A lottery ticket bearing the title 'Lucky Fortune,' and an advert that starts off 'Because speed, because purple cabbage.'

Then there are all these meaningless and confusing digital messages, like 'Check Cable' when I turn on the TV 'which causes you to panic and start pulling at the cables to see if they are all securely attached, before realizing you just need to press the green button on your remote and it has nothing to do with cables. Then there's 'Password not recognized' which has nothing to do with the need for a password but is a sign my service provider is upgrading the sight.

I would start a petition to send them back to where they come from but unfortunately the idiots seem to be from here or are so badly marooned that we will never get rid of them.

I'm afraid so. They're autochthonous idiots.

That too! (Now where is my dictionary - autoch...)