The unsung heroines of the US educational system: the Cafeteria Ladies. For generations, these indefatigable women have managed to nourish the nation's young scholars, day in and day out, using only the ingredients available in bulk on their school systems' budgets or donated by the state. Never in human history have so many been fed so well, for so little. Their recipes attest to soaring imagination and dedication to nutrition.

Here is one such recipe, provided by the inventive cooks of western Pennsylvania's schools, helpfully cut down to serve a reasonable horde of 10-12 hungry people. You'll want to try it at your next party: not only is the Pizzaburger (with Spam) cheap and easy to make, but it combines all the major crowd-pleasing elements of festive eating: hamburger, cheese, spiciness, and tomato-y goodness. Oh, and Spam, of course.

Ingredients

Lovely spam

Wunderful spa-a-m

Lovely spam

Monty Python

• One 12-ounce (.3 kg) can of Spam
• 1 pound (.5 kg) ground beef¹
• 1 pound (.5 kg) grated Cheddar cheese (or whatever the school board will provide)
• 1 12-ounce (.35 l) jar of your favourite pizza sauce, containing tomatoes
• 10-12 individual pizza crusts, OR 10-12 English muffins (sometimes called 'American muffins' in the UK, crumpets will work), bagels, OR an equivalent quantity of any other breadstuff you have lying around.

How to Make This Delight

1. Open the Spam tin. Um, isn't it lovely? The Spam (along with the pizza sauce) will provide all the spices needed to make this delectable. Grate the Spam using what the Cafeteria Ladies call a 'knucklebuster'.
2. Brown the ground meat in a skillet.
3. Add Spam, grated cheese and pizza sauce. Mix thoroughly and heat until it smells really good.
4. Spread Pizzaburger topping on breadstuff and toast in the broiler.
5. Hand out to starving hordes. Remind finicky children that Spam is the favourite processed food of cannibals. They will shriek 'Ewww!' and demand seconds.
6. Serve with a side salad or crudité assortment (maybe they'll eat it²), and apple crisp³ (also known as Apple Brown Betty) for dessert. Result: well-fed and happy crowd.

You can easily make your Pizzaburger gluten free. The wonder food Spam is gluten free! So is hamburger, unless someone's been messing with it. Check labels to make sure your pizza sauce is gluten free. This goes for the cheese, as well: some cheese producers have the nasty habit of using gluten in their anti-caking mixture. Use a gluten free bun, muffin, or pizza crust, and you're good to go.

...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a Mornay sauce served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Terry Jones, as the Waitress