The h2g2 Post 05.06.17

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A crest bearing the legend The H2G2 PostA crest bearing the legend The H2G2 Post


Posted: 5th June 2017

Lola looking fetching on the dashboard.

Ich bin die fesche Lola, der Liebling der Saison

Ich hab' ein Pianola zu Haus' in mein' Salon...

Whaddya mean, Lola the Doglet isn't as fetching as Marlene Dietrich in Der blaue Engel? Give me a break. She has a feather pretty in her hair from Magnolia's Pet Salon. She was out entertaining the gentry on Towel Day. Lola is widely admired, as soon as people stop laughing at the five-pound dog. We're like that at h2g2. Once people get over the absurdity of the idea that anybody would set up a website that isn't designed to make its owners rich, or influence elections, or peddle a new religion (Nighthoover doesn't count), or achieve world domination1, they learn to relax and start to enjoy this weird mélange of fact, snark, insight, snark, humour, snark, art, snark, and deep research, with added snark.
Let me reaffirmate that right from the get-go.

General Glen McMahon (Brad Pitt), in War Machine

So, what have we got for you this week? You are not going to believe it. You thought we couldn't top the Towel Day issue? Just watch.
  • For our June Create Challenge, we are asking you to provide some alternative history2 by changing one thing about the past. We also said, incautiously, 'Don't step on any butterflies.' So naturally, Freewayriding's story is called 'Treading on Butterflies'. Ich kenne meine Pappenheimer3, and should have expected this. But nobody could have expected this devastating beginning to a month of speculation. You're going to be comparing FWR to Serling or Ellison before you finish reading this short-short mind-blower.
  • A dangerous location shoot in Mexico, with a giant snail.
  • Bluebottle has outdone himself this time. Not only has he baffled ELIZA the chatbot analyst with even more Monty Python quips, but he's gifted the h2g2 Post with a new quiz series, which launches this very week! How we could have lived so long without it, we don't know, but rejoice, Hitchhikers: 'Written in Black and Wight' will test your knowledge of speech on the fabled Isle of Wight. Now you will know how to talk to the natives when you attend the next rock festival. This week's quiz: the letter A. More to follow. Bluebottle is on holiday, but we're sure he'll check in from time to time, so be sure to leave scores, comments, and Isle of Wight jokes.
  • Awix sent in this gob-smacking review with the comment, 'Another one which is quite difficult to put into words...' I replied, 'This fits perfectly into this week's issue. And I know what that sounds like.' You might find that The Red Turtle is just the film for you. If so,
    tell us.
  • Willem has another kitty. Not just any kitty. This one's an Anthill Tiger. It's little but fierce. It will make you exclaim, 'Awww. . .OUCH!' Learn about it from the expert artist.
  • Our Caption Challenge comes to us courtesy of Kitkat's school outing to Philadelphia. Your Editor used to be a part-time tour guide on this historic street, and we'd appreciate some witty captions. Remember: the rebel leaders of 1776 used to buy their ketchup here4, while dodging chickens and horse apples.
  • We quiz you on statistical stuff, show you a flying object you might not see in your neighbourhood, and make the usual lame attempts at humour. We also invite you to consider the events of 1914 from a truly h2g2 perspective: i.e., from both sides of the lines. Travel writer Lady Jephson, a tasteful person whose slimline telephone would never be associated with a Chinese takeaway, was seriously inconvenienced by it all. On the other hand, Austrian painter Paul Cohen-Portheim found internment a life-changing experience, and the Isle of Man picturesque. Check it all out below.

So, there's work for you to do, but it will be fun. Read, enjoy, ruminate. Talk among yourselves in the handy virtual spaces provided. Think some more, and write us with your Stuff. Go outside and take some photos. Email them to the h2g2 Post. The Editor will sort out your enormous mobile pic and make it manageable, thus allowing the rest of the world to appreciate.

And have a grand week, you folk!

Opie with dirty paws and towelOne More Towel Pic:
Opie's decided to remodel my lawn as the Somme!
Freewayriding


Okay, One More:
Superfrenchie's French towel
Superfrenchie spent Towel Day on a picturesque Normandy beach. And no, we're not envious – much!


Dmitri Gheorgheni

UNUSUAL THINGS IN UNUSUAL PLACES
  • Small Spotted Cat by Willem.
  • Elfreth's Alley by Kitkat.

THINKING OUTSIDE ALL THE BOXES

EUROPEAN RELATIONS AND THEIR DISCONTENTS

  • Bingen on the Rhine.
  • Lady Jephson in her prime.

MIND-BOGGLING THOUGHTS
ONLY ON H2G2: WRITING DIVISION
  • June 2017 Create Challenge by Freewayriding.
  • A map of the Isle of Wight with dialect words.
FEEDBACK, SUBMISSIONS AND DISCUSSION


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The home of the h2g2 Post team


Back Issue Page


1Pace Chris Morris, who said recently, 'I sometimes have this nagging feeling that DMITRI is actually an acronym representing a mysterious writers’ collective hellbent on world domination through forcing people to spend all their time writing witty articles.' We think he was just being clever, as he usually is.2Like 'alternative facts', only more honest.3Ask Tavaron.4Not an 'altfact', they really did make ketchup back then.

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