What really goes on in people's heads? The Post knows.

Recently, a discussion emerged on h2g2 (ask Ask) about the term 'Social Justice Warriors'. To my chagrin, I had not heard of this expression being used pejoratively until h2g2 informed me (thanks, h2g2!), even though the phrase had been in use this way since 2009. (Oh, the shame of being out of the loop!) So I read up on the phenomenon on the 'Know Your Meme' site, must-reading for those who wish to stay abreast of current trends in intellectual debate and high-type thinking. (It even has a graph, which makes it Scientific. And twitter quotes from Richard Dawkins, so you know they're really deep.) I am now more knowledgeable and have bona fides to talk about this.

It seems to me that a lot of the bickering I'm hearing – online, in newspapers and magazines, and on Stephen Colbert's Late Show (start at 5:00) concerns the concept of 'privilege'. Some people seem to think that the idea is unfair, because although they personally belong to a 'privileged' group, they're not feeling it. That's a fair enough concern, seriously. And sometimes it has to do with what my history professor called 'relative deprivation' – the sense that others have more than we do.

Here's an example: When I was about to graduate cum laude from a large university – the one with the 42-storey tower, okay? – I applied to graduate schools. And Harvard turned me down flat. Now, admittedly, those science courses I took before discovering my True Calling had damaged my GPA, but in spite of them, I had graduated, er, cum laude, which, while not magna or summa, was still not too shabby. Somebody told me, though, that Harvard and such places were very 'exclusive', meaning, not for the likes of me.

Huh? Weren't white people 'privileged'? Ah, but in the US, some white people are more privileged than others. When it's perfectly obvious your forebears were hillbillies, and that you weren't from 'the East Hamptons Smiths', well, you're not going to be invited into Skull & Crossbones, or whatever illuminati club they've got going. I shrugged. I didn't really need to experience New England winters, and I learned a lot where I went, which was Europe, mostly. Being passed over by the Ivy League was not a big deal.

What is a big deal is when whole groups of people get excluded from opportunities to live their lives to the fullest because of categories just like that, based on race, gender, sexual and/or gender identity, religion, ethnic or national origin, or perceived social class, or what Bowling Club they belong to. That is something we need to talk about, and put a stop to. Because I want all my friends – no matter where they hail from, or what their grandparents did for a living – to get the same chance to be happy as I want for myself. Which is why I appreciated James McAvoy on The Late Show the other night, when he pointed out that underfunding arts education in the UK led to a glut of 'posh' actors. See, they got to have arts in school. McAvoy added that some of his best friends were 'posh' actors, but they ought to give everyone a shot, not just the rich kids. I'm sure that both Joseph Fiennes and Sean Bean would agree on that.

Now, to the mind-reading part. I can do this mind-reading trick because I learned it watching my mother teach Beginners, the 4-5-year-old set at church. My mom was pretty quick to figure out the ramifications of infant Weasel Logic. And you know what? It works just as well on grownups.

Why do a lot of people react badly to the idea that we need to work on this privilege business? Consider the following story, which took place in some variation in a family near you when you were a child. Trust me on this.

Good and Plenty(TM) Social Justice Test

Dad went to the store. He was supposed to bring back two individual-sized boxes of Good and Plenty(TM) candy for the twins, Joey and Buddy. Alas, the store was out of the individual-sized boxes, so Dad (logical) bought a giant size instead.

'Here,' Dad said. 'You can divide the box between you.'

Joey grabbed the big box and started to wail. Mom came running in.

'What's the matter now?' she demanded.

'Dad wants to take my candy away!' Joey sobbed. 'He wants to give it all to Buddy!'

'That's NOT what I said!' protested Dad. 'I merely want each of you to have a fair share. And what makes that box yours, anyway? You just grabbed it out of my hand!'

Mom rolled her eyes. 'Keir, when will you read those child-rearing books I got you?' Then she seized the box of Good and Plenty(TM) from Joey, using firm but gentle force.

'It's time for Equitable Division,' she announced.

So Dad spent the next fifteen minutes dividing the Good and Plenty(TM), counting candy-coated licorice bits one by one and mentally cursing Hershey, Pennsylvania. Mom spent the time sending a strongly-worded email to the local store management, explaining in detail why they should always keep individual candy boxes in stock.

And Buddy stuck his tongue out at his brother. 'Social justice always wins,' Buddy announced.

Note: My mother's approach to teaching Beginners to share was to take a cookie, break it in half, give each child one half, and intone, 'Share!' This was amazingly effective.

Now, when somebody complains that somebody else is 'just playing the X card' in order to get something in this world, please…please…think of the Good and Plenty(TM) problem.

Next time: I read everybody's mind about sex on TV, and then have to go and lie in a dark room for several hours thinking pure thoughts and blaming 2legs.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

27.06.16 Front Page

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