An Open Letter to Spammers
Created | Updated Apr 3, 2016
Editorial Rant Number 421
An Open Letter to Spammers
Most of you may not realise that behind the scenes of your favourite website, dedicated volunteers work tirelessly to bring you a free, legal, and above all edifying service. Such are our ACEs, gurus, and moderators. They tolerate no foolishness, particularly from spammers. As a mere content provider, I am seldom privy to the labour that goes on in these vineyards, though I, like you, am a beneficiary.
However, a recent run-in I had with some spam of the non-edible variety led me to some yikesing and discourse. It seems that some unscrupulous people actually join h2g2 merely to spam us with their unwanted commercial offerings. They are told to go and peddle their wares elsewhere, preferably on Ganymede, which has looser internet laws.
I had a counter-proposal which involved sending them – preferable in the form of spam – the following letter, which I offer here as a public service, free gratis, admins everywhere, for the use of.
Dear 'Researcher' UXXXXXXX,
As you can see, your fraudulently established account has been terminated by our vigilant moderators, who noticed that you had violated the Terms and Conditions of this site. The tip-off was that on your 'personal space' page, rather than introducing yourself, you wrote, among other effluvia:
Zarniwoops's Mauve Superbe is a beautiful matte lipstick that’s a perfect rosy-nude.
Besides containing blatant advertising – a clear violation of our Rules – the entire page is full of such 'plugs' for beauty Stuff, which is frankly disgusting and amounts to 'spitting', also a no-no on this venerable site. If you'd bothered to read h2g2, you'd realise that hardly any of us uses make-up. (Okay, some of the ladies, but they don't really need to, they glow naturally.)
So out you go. But we noticed one thing: you write pretty well. You really do. That stealth advertising – although not really stealthy enough, by a long chalk, we weren't born yesterday – had some cute turns of phrase is it. The lip gloss paragraph was particularly clever. So why not put your talents to better use?
Look. We've all been there. Some slick-talking web charlatan inveigled you into this gig, promising riches untold in exchange for web writing. Am I right? Has this fame and fortune materialised? No, of course it hasn't. Instead, you're getting paid a pittance for typing your fingers to the bone advertising lip gloss and such, day in, day out. And the endless web forms you fill out! Fake name, false address, invented data. Click, click, click. Captcha codes. Wait…hurry up, I need the two bucks for this post… Then, when it's all done, some admin comes along and wipes out your labour with a mouseclick. And worse, the legitimate posters on the forum/message board make mock of you. They even correct your typos. If you persist, you become that lowest of creatures, a meme. It's sad.
Don't you regret this futile life of near-crime? Aren't you ashamed of the use to which you have put your English Lit degree? Don't you long for redemption? Friend, we are here to help!
Our Offer
We offer you a chance to make it good. JOIN US. (Legit, this time.) Just use the friendly form. Become a bona fide h2g2 Researcher. You know it's easy and free, you've done it before. This time, mean it.
Now, put up your Personal Space. Tell something fun. Be as whimsical as you like. Just don't advertise. Subscribe to some threads. Put in your 
. Talk to some people. Make a joke, make a friend, submit a guide entry. Now, isn't that better?
Instead of being part of the problem, you're now part of the solution to what ails society. It will make you feel good to share your knowledge, experience, and random witty thoughts with others. We can't promise fame or fortune – we don't even pay the pittance you're used to for posts – but we can promise you an appreciative readership. And you'll be helping to make the world a friendlier and more enlightened place. Join us in exploring Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Here's hoping to hear from you soon,
The Gang at h2g2
