Grimms' Fairytales for Grownups: Black Forest Sex Report

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What do you expect from a country that has a word for 'having a nooner in the woods'1?

Grimms' Fairytales for Grownups: Black Forest Sex Report

You have heard that it hath been said: the Grimm Brothers' fairytales are not for children. All those Disney cartoons have been cleaned up to suit the censors and Correctness Police. And verily, this is true.

The following is an updated version of an old tale. The names have been changed to spare embarrassment.

Dateline: Black Forest.

A number of interesting notices appeared in the Police Report this week:

  • In Schutterwald, a concerned citizen called the police when he spotted what appeared to be a body lying in the open boot of a Mercedes parked beside the forest path. Closer inspection revealed two bodies, very much alive, engaged in a healthy but unusual activity for a car boot in January. Police declined to get involved.
  • Locals are beginning to worry that tourists are taking the Black Forest Tourist Board's 2014 advert a little too seriously2.
  • To avert further hanky-panky in the woods, observation by Wildkamera (wildlife CCTV) has been stepped up. What began as a conservation measure has yielded surprising results. To date, no fornicating politicians have been discovered, as was the case in our neighbour Austria last year. However, wildlife researchers believe it is only a matter of time.
  • This week, a Wildkamera picked up the following image in the forest:
  • A strangely dressed girl in the Black Forest.
  • Police apprehended the juvenile here pictured and took her in for questioning, on suspicion of interfering with a protected species, to wit, Canis lupus. The wolf was unharmed.
  • Conclusion: The dispute between the Baden-Württemberg police and the Black Forest Tourist Board is unlikely to be resolved any time soon. In the meantime, it is advised that citizens in search of peace and quiet avoid the Black Forest, and visit the local IKEA instead. Very little sex has been observed at IKEA3.
  • It is also recommended that you lock up your Alsatians, just in case that little girl in the red cape has friends.

Dmitri Gheorgheni Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

16.02.15 Front Page

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1It's called Schäferstündchen. No lie. Google it. And it goes back to the 18th Century. These people are seriously naughty2The Black Forest Tourist Board wish to point out that they ran this advert only in in-flight magazines on RyanAir.3And according to decorator Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, IKEA bedroom furniture is actually ruining the sex lives of the British. We were unaware that Britons had sex lives, but this may be why. Perhaps we should send them brochures from the Black Forest Tourist Board.

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